scars too hard to hide
i should have known better
if only i could be
strong enough to see
that it's over
i wish i'd never loved you
'cause you were supposed to be
coming back to me
where are you now?
i should have known better.
Music
I Will Always Be Here, For The Rest Of My Life
is this still a charade?
am i playing my part well enough?
i miss you.
always yours.
am i playing my part well enough?
i miss you.
always yours.
I'm Caught Inside The Memories, The Promises, The Yesterdays When I Belonged To You
i broke when you dropped me.
You Should Have Killed Me When You Had the Chance
i don't know what to do.
what's wrong with me?
why doesn't anyone realize?
why can't i tell them?
why can't i get them to see?
why don't they ask?
how do i get them to help me?
can i resist?
how am i supposed to tell anyone?
i just need someone to care.
what's wrong with me?
why doesn't anyone realize?
why can't i tell them?
why can't i get them to see?
why don't they ask?
how do i get them to help me?
can i resist?
how am i supposed to tell anyone?
i just need someone to care.
I'd Make It Right If You Wanted It, I Want It Back More Than You Know
i can't keep doing this. i can't handle dreaming about him every fucking night. i wake up and i'm disappointed when i'm back to my present. this horrible half-life, stuck between waiting and trying not to wait. how am i supposed to move on with my life when my subconscious keeps dragging him to the forefront? how am i supposed to deal with the fact that i can't have him now and i don't even know if i'll get him later? how do i deal with one day at a time when every day is filled with ghosts? i miss him more than i can stand. every day gets worse instead of better. i didn't think it could get worse, but it does. every day. i'm falling further down and i don't know what to do. i don't want to cling to my friends, i don't want to drag them down with me. but they're the only things that let me forget, even for a few minutes at a time. i wish i was brave enough to show them how awful i feel inside so they would maybe realize that i need them. it just terrifies me to show them how i feel. but i need them so much. i don't know what to do.
im thelcuinar arle, im fael avaniron na.
im thelcuinar arle, im fael avaniron na.
I'm Not Coming Back, I'm Not Gonna React
Well I haven't written in here in a while! It's almost Halloween now! Last time I wrote was back in June. Crazy times.
Lots of stuff happened in that time, but I'm just going to focus on what's going on now.
I moved to an apartment with The Twins! It's super awesome, mostly. There are a lot of screaming people outside all the time. Like, ALL the time. We're talking three a.m. screaming here. It's really annoying because our doors and walls are really not-soundproof, so we can hear everything. Especially me, 'cause I sleep on the couch. 'Cause it's more comfortable. Except for the yelling.
School is happen. I like my dino class with D and Ali, except they just broke up so it might get kind of awkward. Plus it's just awkward 'cause they're both really good friends of mine. I mean, D's my best friend, and Ali's one of my only really good female friends. So I guess I'll just see how that goes.
Fall and winter are always just hard for me. The feeling of the season itself reminds me of things and makes me feel depressed. I try not to be that way, but it happens.
I don't think my guyfriends realize how much their opinions matter to me. They hardly ever invite me to things, and when they do I get the feeling they only do it because I prompt them to. I feel like they don't really want me there. Sometimes, yeah, we have great parties, and D always makes me feel wanted and included. That's why he's my best friend, I guess, because I can tell that he actually cares about me. With the rest of the guys... it's a lot harder. I feel like because I'm a girl, I can't ever be totally accepted into their group, but because I'm "one of the guys" they won't date me. It's a catch-22 and it sucks. They don't care enough romantically to date me, but they don't care not-romantically enough to include me. I fall through the cracks.
I guess I'll just keep trying and hope that someday they'll grow up. Or maybe I'll meet some new friends, however unlikely that is. I just wish it would happen sooner. Or that I could peek into a mirror and see just a glimpse, just a hint of the future.
Just to know that I'll be okay someday.
Lots of stuff happened in that time, but I'm just going to focus on what's going on now.
I moved to an apartment with The Twins! It's super awesome, mostly. There are a lot of screaming people outside all the time. Like, ALL the time. We're talking three a.m. screaming here. It's really annoying because our doors and walls are really not-soundproof, so we can hear everything. Especially me, 'cause I sleep on the couch. 'Cause it's more comfortable. Except for the yelling.
School is happen. I like my dino class with D and Ali, except they just broke up so it might get kind of awkward. Plus it's just awkward 'cause they're both really good friends of mine. I mean, D's my best friend, and Ali's one of my only really good female friends. So I guess I'll just see how that goes.
Fall and winter are always just hard for me. The feeling of the season itself reminds me of things and makes me feel depressed. I try not to be that way, but it happens.
I don't think my guyfriends realize how much their opinions matter to me. They hardly ever invite me to things, and when they do I get the feeling they only do it because I prompt them to. I feel like they don't really want me there. Sometimes, yeah, we have great parties, and D always makes me feel wanted and included. That's why he's my best friend, I guess, because I can tell that he actually cares about me. With the rest of the guys... it's a lot harder. I feel like because I'm a girl, I can't ever be totally accepted into their group, but because I'm "one of the guys" they won't date me. It's a catch-22 and it sucks. They don't care enough romantically to date me, but they don't care not-romantically enough to include me. I fall through the cracks.
I guess I'll just keep trying and hope that someday they'll grow up. Or maybe I'll meet some new friends, however unlikely that is. I just wish it would happen sooner. Or that I could peek into a mirror and see just a glimpse, just a hint of the future.
Just to know that I'll be okay someday.
It's 4:03, And I Can't Sleep
So apparently I don't write in this as much anymore! Weird. And the last time I wrote in my journal was, let's see.... March 25. The day I found out C was engaged. Weird, I didn't even realize that that was the day I stopped. D:
Oops, I really shouldn't go back and read my journal so much. xD
I really hate being home at night. For the last few weeks, I've been at B's for most of the night, and then I just pass out when I get home. But tonight he's in Vegas, so I had to come home after work. I just... I always get more depressed and sad at home.
But! I'm house-sitting for my boss this weekend, so for the next few nights I won't have to sleep at home. She has a theater room and an Xbox. :D I just have to watch her dogs and cats. Two of each, and they're pretty cute. The bulldog is slobbery though. D:
So, boytimes. I really like B. I like hanging out with him, and talking to him, and I just like... him. Really, the main reason I'm not "with" him is that I can't let go of some things. I still like W. I'm still (yes, still) heartbroken over C. I'm a depressed weirdo. But for right now, I'm happy with where I am with B. I like... how we are. I just hope he's okay with it.
W's a great friend, but I think that's all he wants. Which is okay. We played Call of Duty and Halo the other day. He smoked me, as usual. Then his ex came over, which was a little awkward. But playing video games is always fun. :D Pretty sure we're always just gonna be good friends. I just get the vibe that that's all he wants. Which gives me mixed feelings, because on the one hand, he's a great friend and I really like B. But on the other hand, I do really like W. So I dunno. Everything's up in the air, as usual.
Except I do really like B.
... A lot.
Also, I keep randomly having dreams about my friends Alex and Josef in Maryland. Mostly they involve Pokemon. Josef said they might come out here next spring break or something, which would be a BLAST(OISE). :D
Basically my life is work, sleep, hanging at B's, and occasionally hanging out with other people. Which I guess is okay, but I still just feel like something's missing.
Maybe it's me.
Like I said, I get more depressed when I have to be at home at night. Woo.
Tomorrow should be better though! B's going to take me to see Toy Story 3 after work. :D Then I can stay at my boss's house and play Xbox and watch movies and pet the kitties. :D
...
but tonight sucks.
Oops, I really shouldn't go back and read my journal so much. xD
I really hate being home at night. For the last few weeks, I've been at B's for most of the night, and then I just pass out when I get home. But tonight he's in Vegas, so I had to come home after work. I just... I always get more depressed and sad at home.
But! I'm house-sitting for my boss this weekend, so for the next few nights I won't have to sleep at home. She has a theater room and an Xbox. :D I just have to watch her dogs and cats. Two of each, and they're pretty cute. The bulldog is slobbery though. D:
So, boytimes. I really like B. I like hanging out with him, and talking to him, and I just like... him. Really, the main reason I'm not "with" him is that I can't let go of some things. I still like W. I'm still (yes, still) heartbroken over C. I'm a depressed weirdo. But for right now, I'm happy with where I am with B. I like... how we are. I just hope he's okay with it.
W's a great friend, but I think that's all he wants. Which is okay. We played Call of Duty and Halo the other day. He smoked me, as usual. Then his ex came over, which was a little awkward. But playing video games is always fun. :D Pretty sure we're always just gonna be good friends. I just get the vibe that that's all he wants. Which gives me mixed feelings, because on the one hand, he's a great friend and I really like B. But on the other hand, I do really like W. So I dunno. Everything's up in the air, as usual.
Except I do really like B.
... A lot.
Also, I keep randomly having dreams about my friends Alex and Josef in Maryland. Mostly they involve Pokemon. Josef said they might come out here next spring break or something, which would be a BLAST(OISE). :D
Basically my life is work, sleep, hanging at B's, and occasionally hanging out with other people. Which I guess is okay, but I still just feel like something's missing.
Maybe it's me.
Like I said, I get more depressed when I have to be at home at night. Woo.
Tomorrow should be better though! B's going to take me to see Toy Story 3 after work. :D Then I can stay at my boss's house and play Xbox and watch movies and pet the kitties. :D
...
but tonight sucks.
The Night Is So Long When Everything's Wrong
So. It's been a while.
I broke up with B. Broke his heart. I hate myself for it. But... I need to be happy. And I wasn't. I need to figure out what makes me happy. I guess... I just don't have the strength to keep myself AND B from being depressed. I wish I did.
Backing up a little, the concert was awesome, we were first in line, right next to the stage, saw Benjamin up close, awesome.
My birthday was pretty fun. I broke up with B the day before my birthday, so it was... hard. I had a good time, but I missed him. He took off to California after I dumped him. I really don't blame him. I know I hurt him bad.
Anyway, birthday. Went to lunch with Jonag, W, D, Ali, Kat, and Chaos. Then we went back to my house for games until the actual party started at 5. Played a bunch of games, had a water fight (in which the guys grabbed me and dumped a cooler of water all over me), ate tacos, ate cake, screamed Rock Band songs for the world to hear, and had tons of fun.
Also, K was back in town for a few days. Hung out with him some, drove around, brought him over to my house for some party times and stuff. He's a great guy. He's off to Phoenix again in about six hours.
Basically I hope B and I can still be at least kind of friends, and maybe try something again in the future? I just need... to be happy. I have to do what's going to make me happy, even if it hurts too. I think about everyone else before myself most of the time, so I guess it's time I did something for me. And right now I just need to figure things out.
I wish I had a best friend, someone I could tell everything to, no matter what. I wish Z wasn't in Germany. I dunno, I just don't feel like I have a friend that I can tell EVERYTHING to. I have friends for everything, but no one knows the whole story. I...
I hate having to deal with everything alone. Sure, my friends help with parts, but none of them helps with everything, really. I talk to Ali about boys, I talk to D about games and stuff, I talk to K about random stuff... but none of them is available at the times I need someone, none of them can talk to me about everything.
Maybe it's just not possible for anyone to help me. B tried, and he partially succeeded.
I just don't know anymore.
I'm sorry.
I broke up with B. Broke his heart. I hate myself for it. But... I need to be happy. And I wasn't. I need to figure out what makes me happy. I guess... I just don't have the strength to keep myself AND B from being depressed. I wish I did.
Backing up a little, the concert was awesome, we were first in line, right next to the stage, saw Benjamin up close, awesome.
My birthday was pretty fun. I broke up with B the day before my birthday, so it was... hard. I had a good time, but I missed him. He took off to California after I dumped him. I really don't blame him. I know I hurt him bad.
Anyway, birthday. Went to lunch with Jonag, W, D, Ali, Kat, and Chaos. Then we went back to my house for games until the actual party started at 5. Played a bunch of games, had a water fight (in which the guys grabbed me and dumped a cooler of water all over me), ate tacos, ate cake, screamed Rock Band songs for the world to hear, and had tons of fun.
Also, K was back in town for a few days. Hung out with him some, drove around, brought him over to my house for some party times and stuff. He's a great guy. He's off to Phoenix again in about six hours.
Basically I hope B and I can still be at least kind of friends, and maybe try something again in the future? I just need... to be happy. I have to do what's going to make me happy, even if it hurts too. I think about everyone else before myself most of the time, so I guess it's time I did something for me. And right now I just need to figure things out.
I wish I had a best friend, someone I could tell everything to, no matter what. I wish Z wasn't in Germany. I dunno, I just don't feel like I have a friend that I can tell EVERYTHING to. I have friends for everything, but no one knows the whole story. I...
I hate having to deal with everything alone. Sure, my friends help with parts, but none of them helps with everything, really. I talk to Ali about boys, I talk to D about games and stuff, I talk to K about random stuff... but none of them is available at the times I need someone, none of them can talk to me about everything.
Maybe it's just not possible for anyone to help me. B tried, and he partially succeeded.
I just don't know anymore.
I'm sorry.
Heal Arrow!
Over at D's again, hanging out with him and A and B. Wooooooo!
So life is crazy. School is... um.... sucktastic. Basically. Probably gonna fail some stuff. Thinking about it makes me freak out a little. So I'm not gonna think about it! Problems go away if you don't think about them, right?
Other than that, life is pretty good! I bought my car today! :D :D Tomorrow I have to get insurance and register it and everything. Gotta get A to give me my freakin' money though. Punk.
ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL THE CONCERT! :D :D :D :D :D Basically I'm more excited than anything ever. It's gonna be so awesome. WOO!
A and D are playing some kind of awesome game that looks a lot like Tales. B and I started a file on Symphonia. He's funny when he's playing video games. He gets all into it and starts moving the controller around like a little kid. It's awesome. :D
He's reading this while I type it. Hello, B. How are you today?
"I am amazing." he says. "To say the least."
He's such a suck up. :P (It's kinda cute. :D)
Basically, yeah. Awesome week. School is giving me chest pain just to think about, so I should probably... work on that... or something. -_-
D just burped. Gross.
We got some delicious limited edition Oreos. They're tasty.
D says he has huge boobs. Just so you all know that.
B is snuggly. It's so cute. :3
So now I'm just typing whatever I feel like. One of the characters on this game has an annoying voice. Oh man! I was playing Pokemon FireRed earlier today, and freakin' Horatio (that's my rival) beat me, after I beat all the Elite Four. The second time around, so they're all way stronger and whatever. I have the three legendary birds, Mewtwo, Charizard, and Dragonair in my party. Awesome. But his stupid Tyranitar decimated my forces. He'll go down eventually.
I have a dumb zit on my nose right where my glasses go, so I had to put a band-aid over it. It's annoying and dumb. Oh well, at least it doesn't hurt as much.
Anyway, this is going on way too long. So... g'bye!
So life is crazy. School is... um.... sucktastic. Basically. Probably gonna fail some stuff. Thinking about it makes me freak out a little. So I'm not gonna think about it! Problems go away if you don't think about them, right?
Other than that, life is pretty good! I bought my car today! :D :D Tomorrow I have to get insurance and register it and everything. Gotta get A to give me my freakin' money though. Punk.
ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL THE CONCERT! :D :D :D :D :D Basically I'm more excited than anything ever. It's gonna be so awesome. WOO!
A and D are playing some kind of awesome game that looks a lot like Tales. B and I started a file on Symphonia. He's funny when he's playing video games. He gets all into it and starts moving the controller around like a little kid. It's awesome. :D
He's reading this while I type it. Hello, B. How are you today?
"I am amazing." he says. "To say the least."
He's such a suck up. :P (It's kinda cute. :D)
Basically, yeah. Awesome week. School is giving me chest pain just to think about, so I should probably... work on that... or something. -_-
D just burped. Gross.
We got some delicious limited edition Oreos. They're tasty.
D says he has huge boobs. Just so you all know that.
B is snuggly. It's so cute. :3
So now I'm just typing whatever I feel like. One of the characters on this game has an annoying voice. Oh man! I was playing Pokemon FireRed earlier today, and freakin' Horatio (that's my rival) beat me, after I beat all the Elite Four. The second time around, so they're all way stronger and whatever. I have the three legendary birds, Mewtwo, Charizard, and Dragonair in my party. Awesome. But his stupid Tyranitar decimated my forces. He'll go down eventually.
I have a dumb zit on my nose right where my glasses go, so I had to put a band-aid over it. It's annoying and dumb. Oh well, at least it doesn't hurt as much.
Anyway, this is going on way too long. So... g'bye!
Afraid To Lose Control
Life is complicated always.
Things are going good with B! He's great. He'll stay up with me if I need/want him to, which is awesome. Hopefully he doesn't get kicked out of school and have to leave the STG. :\ Because I would miss him like crazy. You know, since he's my boyfriend and all. :D
The concert trip just keeps getting better and better! D and A, and now my friend Joe from work might be riding with us! And on the way back we're gonna pick up Armando in SLC, so that'll be even more fun! Woo!! So excited.
And now, something different. A note that I did on Facebook and my DeviantArt account, and I want to put it here, too.
Books!
Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Choose fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you - the first fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes.
1. IT - Stephen King
2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J. K. Rowling
3. The Pact - Jodi Picoult
4. Skin Game - Caroline Kettlewell
5. Halo: Contact Harvest - Joseph Staten
6. Fragile Things - Neil Gaiman
7. Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
8. The Bro Code - Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn
9. The Lost City of Faar - D. J. MacHale
10. A Mango-Shaped Space - Wendy Mass
11. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
12. Sherlock Holmes (series) - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
13. The Children of Greene Knowe - Lucy M. Boston
14. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King - J.R.R. Tolkien
15. The Lusty Argonian Maid - Crassius Curio (Oblivion)
1. IT - Stephen King
2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J. K. Rowling
3. The Pact - Jodi Picoult
4. Skin Game - Caroline Kettlewell
5. Halo: Contact Harvest - Joseph Staten
6. Fragile Things - Neil Gaiman
7. Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
8. The Bro Code - Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn
9. The Lost City of Faar - D. J. MacHale
10. A Mango-Shaped Space - Wendy Mass
11. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
12. Sherlock Holmes (series) - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
13. The Children of Greene Knowe - Lucy M. Boston
14. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King - J.R.R. Tolkien
15. The Lusty Argonian Maid - Crassius Curio (Oblivion)
I actually just ordered #13 on that list from Barnes and Noble, because I haven't read it in so long and I love it. Plus I had a couple gift cards with like three dollars each that I needed to use up.
And yes, I realize the font got all weird here, but I am too lazy to change it!
And now it is most definitely bread time.
<3
Scars And Stripes Forever, In Need Of Change I Can't Resist
Well.
So much has happened since my last blog post. xD I just haven't really felt like writing, for some reason.
Biggest news: I'm now dating B. Facebook official, even! xD We'd been talking a lot about it, and one night we were both feeling kinda down. He said he just wanted a chance, that he'd be more hurt if we didn't try to go for SOMETHING, at least.
I explained to him that I like him, that I wanted to try something with him, but that I was just afraid of hurting him. Mostly because I still like A and W. But I explained that A has no interest and W is very much taken. I told him I just have a major crush on A, but am a little bit in love with W. Again, I explained that A is not interested and that I wouldn't do anything to take W from his girlfriend, because she's awesome.
Then I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to hang out anymore, or if he still wanted to try something. I left it up to him. He said of course he still wanted to try. Then he said, "I really want to kiss you right now."
"That's okay, I want to kiss you too."
So we kissed. And DANG is he a good kisser. xD
Then we were just in some kind of awkward pseudo-dating stage for a while, and people kept asking if we were "official." So we talked about it, and I brought up my issues again, and he said he didn't care, and he asked me to go out with him.
So I said yes. And there you have it. I have a boyfriend. It feels strange to say that. A good strange.
Anyway, I'm kind of exhausted, so I'm just going to sum everything else up as fast as I can.
I got an awesome haircut! Super short and awesome. Gah. I love it so much. I keep talking about it.
D got his ticket for the Breaking Benjamin concert, and A decided he's gonna come too! :D Gonna be the best three/four day road trip of my life. Those guys just crack me up.
Had a party the other day, got to see a bunch of my highschooler friends that I hadn't seen for a while! W and Jonag and Chaos' brother Beau schooled us in Brawl and Halo. xD
Got another letter from Z today, that kid is so awesome. I have a letter, postmarked from Germany, that is addressed to "Audrizzle Higginson." So so so cool. xD I miss him tons, and I'm gonna write to him always!
Basically this week has been super awesome. Tomorrow should be great too, gonna go see Kick Ass with B and then go to work and then go to a dance! :D Fun times!
Anyway, grood night, blogsters. :D
Said Her Name Was Romance, I Said, "I'm Impulsive"
Hm. I don't really know where to start this one! I guess that's why I usually write in here every day, so I can just rehash the day. Oh well.
Apparently Z hasn't been getting the letters I sent with DearElder.com. This angers me. I've gotta get my real letter sent to him.
Okay, so. I'm just gonna type whatever I think about.
After that last post, B and I stayed up talking for hours. He's fantastic. He really understands what I feel, and it's great to talk to him.
I like him. He's a great guy, a good friend, he's pretty cute, it makes me happy to hold hands with him and fall asleep next to him. I feel safe and comfortable around him.
But.
(It kills me to have to have a but, because it has exactly nothing to do with him and exactly everything to do with my messed up head. And I know it's going to make him feel bad and I HATE doing that to him, because I like him. And especially since it really has absolutely nothing to do with him.)
It feels like something is tearing me apart from the inside. I can't fall asleep until it's well into the early morning hours. When I do fall asleep I have nightmares about BF and C tormenting me. I can't make up my mind about anything. I want things I can't have. Things I can have, I don't want. Things I can have and actually do want, I get super nervous and terrified and awkward and paranoid about. I'm falling way behind in my schoolwork. I can't see my friends as much as I want. I miss having C as a friend waaaaay more than I should.
I just don't know how much of this tearing feeling I can take. I feel like my emotions, my affections, are being pulled in twelve different directions. Which I guess is kind of true. It seriously feels like my heart is being pulled apart.
Honestly, I just want to go over to D's house, curl into a ball under his covers, and not come out for a month. I want to go back to a time when everything was simple. Last summer, maybe. When it was just me and D and A hanging out and playing Tales all the time.
I guess I'm just a selfish person.
I like B. I like A. I like W. Heck, I even still like K a little. But I can't have them. A because he doesn't like me. W because he has a girlfriend. B because my brain is hung up on other guys still and I would feel like a b*tch for committing to anything serious with him while I'm still thinking about other guys. And K because... well, he's a little too much for me, and I couldn't do that to B. Because I like B more. I like B a lot. -_-
My brain just hates me. My emotions hate me. My body hates me. Karma hates me. Life hates me.
Seriously, every time I think something good is happening, one of those things f*cks it up. "oh, you like A? har har, he doesn't like you because of your relationship with C." "oh, you like W? har har, he has a girlfriend." "oh, you like B? har har, your brain is malfunctioning and making you freak out so that won't work."
I'm just so sick of it. And I hate that I have to continuously do the same thing to guys I like. "oh, sorry, my brain is a mess so i can't handle anything right now. my bad. i thought i could deal with it, but i can't. oops."
Seriously, I hate myself.
sorry
Lock Out The World And Just Stay There Forever
What is wrong with me? I had a great day, spent most of it with B, watching movies and kind of snuggling, basically it was a happy day! Great day, even! Heck, A even responded to my usual "Hey A" on Facebook! Just one more awesome thing in a pretty freakin' awesome day!
And yet.
I feel like crap! It's like, every time I have a good day, I end up feeling like crap. When I have a normal day, I feel like crap. I just feel like CRAP.
Maybe it has to do with not eating much. Or not sleeping much. But it's a vicious cycle. I'm depressed, so I don't feel like eating or sleeping. Then I feel worse because I don't eat or sleep. Then I don't feel like eating or sleeping.
Here is the deal! I am going to call W tomorrow. I just decided this. Possibly D, too. Once I get home from school and clean the kitchen, I will call W. And text D. I need to talk to them, and if at ALL possible I need to see them. This is my resolution for the night.
I feel even more awful because really, I did enjoy spending the day with B. I hate it when I have an awesome day and then feel like crap afterwards and it overshadows the fantastic day. My brain is just covered in a cloud right now. A haze of uncertainty, boredom, depression, angst, and feelings in general. Makes it hard to focus on anything.
sometimes i really hate myself
Once A Skeptic, Now A Critic, And You Figured You Finally Found A Place Of Your Own
So today was actually pretty fantastic! :D
Last night after I wrote that last post, B and I talked for a long time. He's fantastic to talk to, because I can tell that he actually cares. Instead of being like, "ohey it's two in the morning i need sleep sorry" he said "i won't go to bed until you do." Seriously that meant so much to me when I was feeling down like that.
So then this morning, I woke up and watched Chuck, went to class, and then started planning for a mini-party! I really really needed to hang out with some people after last night, so I invited B, K, Venom, Ali, and Chaos over. I invited Jonag, D, and A too, but they couldn't make it. Neither could Frisbie.
We played Killer Bunnies first, and that took FOREVER. Seriously it was the longest game of Killer Bunnies ever. Then we played Quelf!
Now. In Quelf, there are a bunch of different cards you get based on which spot you land on after a dice roll. (Go! Diceroll!) Then you have to do whatever the card says. One of the yellow cards goes something like this:
"Get a pencil. Pretend it is mistletoe and hold it over another player's head. If they do not kiss you, you must both pay the penalty."
I kept my eye on this card, as I was in charge of the cards. My little sister drew it first and didn't want to do it, so I took it from her and slipped it back on top of the pile. Then Chaos got it and also didn't want to do it, so I put it back on top of the pile. Neither my sister or Chaos had read it aloud, so the rest of the table was unaware of this. xD
The next person to get it was B. Everyone kind of spazzed out for a minute, and K started telling B that he couldn't back out of it. So he came around and held the pencil over my head and was like, "Oh, look at that. Mistletoe."
Of course the first thing into my head was a Harry Potter quote: "Oh, well it's probably full of Nargles."
Then he kissed me. A good kiss too, on the lips, and not just a peck. Chaos and Ali later told me that it had looked "serious, almost passionate."
Let me say that it sure felt serious and almost passionate. xD Pretty sure he had been waiting for that for a while.
Let me also say that it was pretty fantastic. :D I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the game. Granted, I was also a little nervous and could barely make eye contact with him for a while after that, but that's just how I am. xD
Probably there will be more of this kissing at a later date. Also probably, I will enjoy it. As far as I can tell, anyway. :D
After all that, we played Catchphrase for a while, then went for a little walk. Then the boys all left and Ali, Chaos and I ended up going to get frozen custard and try to pester A into signing a letter for Z. He's incredibly stubborn though, and refused to sign it. What a punk.
Then we came back to my house and gossiped about boys and C/BF for a while. It's so nice to be friends with Chaos again. She's seriously a different person now that she's not friends with BF. And it's awesome to have her back as a friend.
So I am feeling much better tonight than I did last night. :D For a multitude of reasons, but I think everyone can guess which reason is making me smile the most. xD
P.S. Just for fun: http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f278/katietiedrich/comic146.png
That comic is courtesy of my internet Pokemon friend Alex. xD
Help Me, I'm Out Of Breath Again
Very recently, I'm talking within the last five minutes, I was hit with a wave of intense longing. I miss my brothers, my best friends. I miss Z, and Jonag, and Kyle, and D, and A, and W. I miss them so much that it causes me physical pain. I need to see some of them again, soon. Hopefully D tomorrow. The rest of them, who knows. Z, not at least for two years. Kyle, not until at least May. Jonag, no idea. A, probably not for a while, since he's not talking to me still. W, probably whenever a) I work up the nerve to call him and b) he actually has free time.
Hanging out with B today was great, don't get me wrong. He's an awesome guy. I just haven't seen my best friends in what feels like an eternity.
oh god i miss them so much i think i might cry
What the heck is wrong with my emotions? I spent the last two and a half hours hanging out with a great guy that I have a crush on, at least an hour of that spent in his arms. And yet I am still sitting here suddenly depressed out of my mind. It's not his fault, that's for sure. If anything it's my fault, for being so ridiculously messed up.
I need them. I need my guyfriends desperately, but I am too shy, too afraid to do anything about it. I can't pick up the phone, call one of them up, and say "hey, I need to talk." I worry that they'll be asleep, they'll be busy, they won't want to talk to me. I feel like I can't even turn to the people I need most right now.
I feel like my brain is broken.
sorry
I Wanna Live To Tell The Tale
Well! xD
To begin with, I saw the twins today! That was nice, I haven't hung out with them in a while! Pickley Babby told me about her boyperson, and we talked about stuff! It was pretty sweet.
Then I went over to B's apartment, and hung out with him and K and Venom for a while. We watched a movie, then I drove K to try and find his shirt. He couldn't find it, so we went back to the apartment. He found another shirt and I took him to work.
Home for dinna time, then I had to drive my sister to some tiny child's birthday party.
Then it was back to B's! (I just now realized that I use a lot of exclamation points!) We watched a few episodes of Futurama, and B held my hand again. :D Then we went to Wendar's (Wendy's) so they could get some eats. Then it was back to B's.
Venom mysteriously stayed outside when we got back to the apartment. I still don't have any idea where he was. xD
B and I sat inside and talked about stuff and held hands some more. Pretty much we both like each other, and he's going to quit smoking, and we'll see where things go!
When I had to leave, we had a pretty awesome hug. He called it "life-changing." I just felt... safe. Warm and safe. Like I knew that we were both just happy to be there, just hugging. Like... "someone really does care about me enough to just hug me."
So we'll see how this ends up, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. :D
I do feel a little... like, worried or something about K, because I know he likes me a lot. And I do like him too, but I think things with B will work out better (plus I think I just like B more). I think (hope) K will be okay. He's a great guy. But I'm just a worrier.
I feel better tonight. More relaxed. Which means I should probably be getting to bed, since I have class in less than seven hours. :D
Hooray insomnia! :D
Can I Take You Home?
Had two semi-lucid dreams this morning. They say the best time to have lucid dreams is right after you wake up, and that's when it was.
First dream was that Z was home and having a party. I got there, and a bunch of my friends were there. My eyes went to W, who was sitting on a footstool with his girlfriend. I ran over and said to his girl, "I'm gonna hug your boyfriend now, okay?" and she just laughed and said it was okay. So I just sat there hugging W for a while. Then randomly I went to the bathroom and took a shower. That part was weird. But when I got back, I sat next to Jonag and he just kind of put his arm around me, like a little brother would. :D It made me very happy.
Then I had a dream that I was at my aunt and uncle's house in Boise, asking them if I could stay for the concert. Randomly, there was a party going on. C and BF were there, because for some reason they lived next door. B and K and Venom lived on the other side, so they were there too. C yelled at me a little, and I yelled at him and lightly kicked him in the nuts. Then I spat at him and said, "Be glad I didn't kick harder and save the world from having to host your spawn." Then I turned and walked away. He chased me and pushed me into a wall. K and Venom grabbed him and started beating the crap out of him while B made sure I was okay. (Once he was sure I was okay, he went over and kicked C in the nuts a lot harder than I had.)
Then I woke up.
Now that I've slept and had some food, I think I'm thinking a little more clearly. I'll try and get some logical thoughts out while I still can!
There's no magical machine to make my perfect man. And really, I do like these guys a lot just how they are. I just don't know which one I like best, I guess.
Or rather, I don't know what to do because the ones I like best are not available for one reason or another, and the ones that are available and like me I can't choose between. Which isn't really fair to any of us. I just don't know what to do about it.
Plus I'm just kind of in an angry, pissed off, yet somehow still depressed mood like all the time now. Which doesn't help anything. I don't really know how to fix that either.
And it's like, because I like them in different ways, I treat them different. Like, because I'm comfortable around K, I'll hug him and let him snuggle me. But because with B it's more of a mental attraction and a physical nervousness, I won't do those same things with him. Yeah, we held hands, and I'll hug him, but... gah. I get nervous around him. Which actually makes more sense to me, because usually I'm totally skittish around guys I like.
One thing I will say though, is that I think K would have a lot easier time quitting smoking than B would. And that is a factor in my... affection, I guess. As friends, it's fine if they smoke or whatever. But if they want to be more than that, if K wants to move past snuggling, if B wants to move past talking about movies and music and books... The smoking really has got to go. I know they can do it. Both of them can, I know. It would just be a lot harder for B, I think.
I'm just typing whatever I'm thinking, by the way. As usual, even though it might get me into trouble. Nobody ever reads the whole post anyway. The boys just skim through looking for their names/letters. (if a boy really does read the whole post, say "mango" to me next time you see me, and I will give you a pop quiz and if you pass, you are the best.)
I really wish W would get online more often. He always gives me great boy-advice. I need to call him and hang out again sometime soon. -_-
Anyway, this is like the longest, most self-absorbed post I think I've ever made. So that's enough. I still didn't really figure out what I'm thinking. xD
Not Lookin' For A Miracle, Just A Reason To Believe
You know what I hate?
I'm hurting. For many reasons, but one of those reasons is because C and BF are engaged. Yeah, I saw it coming. Doesn't make it hurt any less. I loved the guy for two years, and only recently found out he was lying to me the entire time.
But what I really hate is that when I tell people that it hurts me, that they're engaged, they say, "Well, you couldn't do anything about it."
Like that makes it better? I KNOW I couldn't have done anything about it. Guess what? That makes it hurt worse. It doesn't hurt because I feel like I could have done something about it. It hurts because I loved him, and I miss him, and I'm angry at him for hurting me like that, and I am so insanely jealous.
There's a part of me that just wants to curl up and die.
everything always happens at once and i don't want to have to decide anything and i don't CARE and i just want to be happy and i miss my brothers and i miss him and i wish, how i wish there was something i could do to figure out the mess in my head and i just want to be with my best friends in a happy safe place and i just want someone to help me and i don't know what to do about anything and i'm sorry
so sorry
B, K, I seriously wish I knew what was up in my head right now. Really, I do. I hate hurting you guys and I know it's just frustrating for you. It's frustrating for me too. Sorry.
Honestly I just want a magic machine where I just put in the best parts of the boys I like, and then it makes an awesome guy that is all of that. (Who likes me, of course.)
Which part of which guys would I throw in?
A: All of him. He's so funny and cute and awesome. (srsly if he would date me I would be fine, but he won't so whatever)
B: His intelligence and his jokes and his understanding and caring. (maybe that twinkle in his eyes, too)
C: All of him except the part that loves BF.
D: His best-friend-ness. (No I don't like D like that AT ALL but I want a guy who is also my best friend. Like C used to be.)
K: His hotness and his caring and the way I'm comfortable around him.
W: All of him, too. Just chuck him right in there.
And poof! The machine would spit out a guy just for me, as well as all the originals so they aren't lost. That would be very handy.
But not gonna happen. Oh well.
I just wish I knew what to do.
Forget Our Memories, Forget Our Possibilities
They're engaged. C and BF.
I knew it. I mean, I saw them ring shopping the other day. But still... ugh.
Yeah, spirals.
I gotta get to work.
FML.
Never Wanna Say (What You Mean To Me)
Today was fun. Hung out with Ali and D for a while, and K, B, and Venom came over to D's and watched part of a movie. Then those guys left, and D had to go do homework. Ali and I went to the mall and ended up chilling with some friends of ours that work at the eyeglasses store.
D joined us, we went and got food, then went back to his house. K called and asked me to come over, so I watched a bit of a movie with D and Ali and then stole one of D's sweatshirts and went over to B's.
There, we watched The Simpsons. K was laying on the floor with his arms wrapped around my legs, and B was sitting next to me with our knees touching.
AND.
B almost held hands with me. xD I think he probably would have ended up going for it, but I had to leave. Good news: he's getting braver. Bad news: he's still smoking. Good news: he's working on quitting. Bad news: I don't know how well that's going.
I guess we'll just have to see!
Also, it feels like K and B are competing over me (which I think they are, a little) and that just makes me... uneasy. I don't want any of us getting hurt. Gotta tread cautiously.
Anyway, I gotta get to bed. I get(have) to observe a full day at a middle school tomorrow. Woo. Have to be there at 8:00 a.m. -__________- Lame.
Therefore, grood night.
I'm Scared, I'm Not Prepared
I really need to sleep.
Boynews? I like K. K likes me. I like B. I think B likes me, but he's afraid.
Who do I like more? Funny you should ask.
The answer? I don't know. I like K physically, mostly. He is a really nice guy, but... I dunno. He's a hot guy, but I'm not really... ugh. My brain is trying to shut down. I have such a hard time just saying what I feel.
B, I like mentally. Possibly more than that, too... Just, you know. The smoking. He's trying to quit!
Venom's girlfriend broke up with him out of nowhere, and he's really confused as to why. I think most of us are pretty confused about it. So Venom's not in a good mood at all. But basically it means that the apartment is a hive of scum and villainy. Oh wait, that's Mos Eisley Spaceport.
Basically my brain is a screwed up mess, as usual. I really need to go to sleep so I can wake up and write a five page paper.
(Yeah that's probably not happening. Now I understand why they say to look for slipping grades as a sign of depression. It just took a little while to kick in.)
Swear words.
Daylight Dies, Black Out The Sky
I should really be careful what I wish for. I was reading IT today, and I was supposed to go to work at two. I was texting B about the book, and said I wished I didn't have to go to work so I could stay home and read.
Ten minutes later, I threw up. Guess who called in sick to work!
Yeah me. xD I would rather have NOT puked and gone to work. I hate throwing up more than anything in the world. But I got to stay home and read and take a nap and watch Chuck.
So I'm talking to Ali about boys. -___- I just never know what to think. I like B, I like K, I like A (a lot), I like W (but I KNOW he's taken), and of course MIXED up into that is still missing C. Yeah, I know. He's a doucheface. But that doesn't stop me from missing the guy I thought he was. Missing the companionship. Missing my best friend.
With B, he's great to talk to. We talk about books and movies and all kinds of stuff. And he's pretty cute. But the smoking is just like... blech. As friends, I'm okay with it (although I still wish my smoker friends would quit, it's so bad for you). But if he keeps smoking, friends is all it's gonna be. Which I guess is okay with me? Because he's a great friend.
As for K, he's really... comforting. He likes to hug me, and he's always asking if I'm okay. And that's really nice. But actually talking to him doesn't really happen much. Plus, you know, he smokes too. -_- So I guess friends with him too!
This time of the year + this time of the month + stress + thinking too much = not a happy Audrey.
At this moment, right now, this very second, what I want more than anything is for W or A to be here, in my room, holding me. Even just a hug. One arm around me while we play Halo or watch a movie. Holding my hand while we talk. Heck, even just sitting next to me.
That's my wish right now.
Too bad my wishes only come true if they involve me vomiting.
I guess B or K would work for that wish too. Though not quite as much as W or A. I don't really know why? Maybe because I've known them longer, maybe because they don't smoke, maybe because I like them more. I don't know why my brain thinks what it does, why my heart feels what it does. All I know is that I think things and feel things and want things, and they rarely happen.
i didn't think it was possible to miss someone this much, after this long, after all the stuff he's done
Now Is Not The Time To
FINALLY got to hang out with Ali and D. Ali and I watched Ponyo, played Killer Bunnies, and ate pizza. Then D came over, we played more Killer Bunnies, played Quelf, and went and got some Wendy's. Then Ali went home and D and I played Tales! :D :D :D :D We beat a boss monster. Awesome.
I realize that in that last post I didn't use code names for people. I'm not changing it. xD Although I will probably continue with the code names in future posts. The code names just didn't flow with that post.
Venom gave me a back massage last night (after he gave K one and before he gave B one). It was so fantastic. I didn't want to move afterward.
As for those guys, pretty sure I'd enjoy hanging out with them a lot more if they didn't smoke. I mean, they're nice guys and they're fun, but I just... I dunno. I worry about them. Smoking is so bad for you. :\
I think I need to go to sleep for like fifteen years or so. That would be nice.
Not being coherent is fun.
Hazy Now, This Fog Just Follows Me Around
i don't know
i just
don't
know
i miss
dylan
nick
willis
andy
katrina
jonah
sleeping
eating
feeling okay
understanding things
talking to people
andy
having a best friend
playing games
dylan
going for walks
thinking someone would do anything for me
nick
listening to trapt
eating breakfast
remembering things
feeling loved
having someone to listen
saying hi to someone and having them say hi back
caring
watching tv or a movie and holding someone's hand
willis
not being afraid
having a future
feeling safe
not having nightmares
loving someone
i still miss
him
and it hurts more now
Sound The Alarms And Break All The Levers
What a day.
I am so hungry.
Time for sleep?
Maybe.
Hung out at B's. Schooled K at Halo. Laid down on the couch next to B.
Here is the deal. B needs to quit smoking. I don't like the smell, I certainly would not like the taste. Plus it is seriously bad for you. K and Venom need to quit too, actually. It is so bad. bad bad bad.
Until/unless B quits, anything more than what happened tonight -- ain't gonna happen. If/when he does? Perhaps. Per-haps.
My brain is a merry go round of awful.
i miss ______ (possibilities: endless)
spill my words
Waking Up To Find You've Gone
why are some days so much harder than others?
it feels like i'm on a horrible slide, spiraling further and farther down into darkness.
why does it hurt so much?
Please Let Me Stay Caught In Your Way
Work was so crazy today. -_- Crazy customers, not enough people working... ugh.
I did get to hang out with B for like an hour tonight though! We talked about a bunch of stuff, it was fun. And very nice. :D
I am SERIOUSLY so excited for Pokémon SoulSilver tomorrow. I am such a huge nerd. I am literally geeking out over all of the info I can find on the internet right now.
I NEEDZ MAH POKÉMANZ, YO.
Yeah, I'm also exhausted. Just btw. Maybe bedtime.
After a little more Pokémon. :D
Everyone's Screamin', "You're Never Gonna Get There"
gwaaaaaa
So I couldn't fall asleep until like four in the morning last night. I figured I could sleep in until noon thirty since I didn't work until two. But I woke up at ten. Then I kept trying to get back to sleep, but my mom texted me and made me bring her lunch.
After I did that, I went home and ate and showered and went to work. -_- Work was crazy. We're shorthanded because of spring break, and then half of the people who are here are working on inventory stuff. So I was alone at the registers AND I had to do the fitting rooms. I got slammed. But a couple more people came in, and we got it all done.
Then I came home, and me and my mom went and bought Ponyo. Awesome. That movie is hilarious. Especially when you watch it with the subtitles. They do the subtitles for the Japanese version, so it differs from what they actually say. Pretty awesome.
Also awesome: Talking to B. xD We are some good friends. My plan is to let anything evolve from that. (Like a Pokemon.) Because that is the way that usually works best for me, I think. We'll probably hang out tomorrow when he gets back from Salt Lake! :O Fun times!
Not awesome: D wasn't supposed to work today, so we could have played Ves, but he got called in. Grrrr.
Awesome: Ali will be back tomorrow! :D
Awesome too: sleepytime.
No Need To Hide Anything Anymore, Can't Return to Who I Was Before
Well. So. xD Um.
Watched Chuck today, gave K a ride to work, played Harry Potter with my aunt, and then went to Applebee's to eat with K when he got off work. We talked for a while, and, well, he realized something that I guess I hadn't really realized myself. Or he helped me realize it, I suppose.
Um. Man, I'm nervous to write about this. xD
Well, K was asking me questions, trying to figure out why I don't *like* him, I guess. So he asked if he was attractive, and I said something like, "Well yeah, you're attractive and nice and outgoing, but I'm weird. I'm more attracted to shy, nerdy guys... like B."
He was a little taken aback, and was like, "What?! Seriously?! You could have said any name, why..." and then he stopped and his eyes got really wide.
Now, I was biting my fingers, 'cause I do that when I'm nervous. So he grabbed my hands and made me stop.
"You have feelings for B that you're not telling anyone about, don't you?!"
I'm sure I was bright red by this point. I stuttered some protests, but I was thinking about it, and... well it kind of made sense. I keep his Facebook chat window open all the time, even when he's offline. The only other person on that exclusive list is A. Plus I always look forward to talking to him. And... there was that dream last night. (shifty eyes face that blogger won't let me do)
Anyway, point is, I think I have a little bit of a crush on B. My plan for now is to go slow. D: (oh gosh i'm so nervous typing this) Maybe go on some dates. Try to get him to quit smoking, or at least cut back. xD
Slow slow slow. I don't want to mess it up. But like I told B back when I told him we should just be friends, I usually fall for guys I'm friends with. xD And well. Slow should work. B and I are both kind of shy. xD (seriously my heart is pounding so nervous)
(well, and see, there's more proof. I'm actually feeling nervous. xD)
Now, this does not mean in any way that I don't still have crushes on A&W. But A has made it explicitly clear that he doesn't return the feelings in the least, and W has a girlfriend. And if I have crushes on all three of them and two of them are unavailable, I think I should probably go with the available one. xD Just maybe.
Plus he talks to me more than A, W, and K put together. xD And when I say talk, I mean really talk about things. Intelligent conversation. Hooray!
(seriously my fingers are shaking) (why does it make me so nervous?)
I don't want him to be hurt if this is another false-alarm-Audrey-maybe-liking-a-guy. Which is why I need to go slow. So I can make sure of my feelings before anything too serious happens.
So anyway, yeah. That's going around in my head right now. Hahahahaha. I'm going to be awake forever! :D
I love insomnia. (sarcasm)
(and yeah, B is going to read this. probably that's why I'm so nervous. ahaha)
He Sees What's Beneath Her Skin, Sees To Her Soul
Well. That was an interesting dream. :3
And for once, I'm not going to tell you blog readers about it. It's for me to know and maybe a few lucky people to find out. xD
I need to write something in code here so I don't forget it. Go ahead and try to translate it if you want to know what I dreamed.
Op na fsien, gus tuni sietup, c't gedi xet siemma dmuti vu nopi. Ji teof vu ni, "Zua lpux, op nuwoit, xjip qiuqmi jewi vjios gedit vjot dmuti, vjia iovjis lott us hiv opvissaqvif." Xi xeovif e nopavi, epf xjip pu upi opvissaqvif at, xi lottif. O xuli aq xupfisoph og ov jef siemma jeqqipif, cideati vjev tuapft moli tunivjoph c xuamf siemma tea. Ov xet e wisa huuf fsien. :3
Yeah, that's all in code. Awesome fact: I used to speak and write that code fluently. :D Now it's a little more difficult, but I got it. xD
Anyway, I'm hoping D gets back from Vegas soon-ish! Or at least not too late tonight. We really need to beat Ves. And it would be awesome if A could come too.
Oh! One of my friends from elementary is going to be here this weekend! :D Hopefully we can hang out!
Well, signing out. Good luck with that code. :3
I Confess, I'm Always Afraid, Always Ashamed, of What's Inside My Head
So today. Woke up at like noon thirty, ate some breaky, went to work. For eight hours. D: Well it was closer to seven, we got out of there pretty fast, but still. Right before I left for work, D texted me and was like "hey what are you doing today?" and I told him I worked all day and he was like, "dang, I wanted to beat tales."
Yeah, I was at work when I could have been with my best friend in the whole world, playing an awesome video game. D: Oh well. Money for car. And concert.
Anyway, apparently D went to Vegas since nobody could hang out. Hopefully he'll be back early enough tomorrow that we can still have time to beat Ves. It's been close to a year since we started playing it. xD
Talked to B some more tonight, he's so hilarious. Talked to K some too, about how we should probably just be friends. :\
I really hate having to tell guys that. But like... I dunno. After the panic attack the other night after we hung out and kissed, it would probably be best if we didn't do that kind of thing anymore. Not to mention that I like B more than him anyway. <.<
Yeah, I was at work when I could have been with my best friend in the whole world, playing an awesome video game. D: Oh well. Money for car. And concert.
Anyway, apparently D went to Vegas since nobody could hang out. Hopefully he'll be back early enough tomorrow that we can still have time to beat Ves. It's been close to a year since we started playing it. xD
Talked to B some more tonight, he's so hilarious. Talked to K some too, about how we should probably just be friends. :\
I really hate having to tell guys that. But like... I dunno. After the panic attack the other night after we hung out and kissed, it would probably be best if we didn't do that kind of thing anymore. Not to mention that I like B more than him anyway. <.<
Played some more Oblivion, that game is so awesome. But I accidentally saved over one of my files. -____-
I can't wait for Sunday! Pokemon SoulSilver and HeartGold. Awesome. I preordered SS and my sister preordered HG. Gonna be so fantastic.
Also, don't think about Wookie sex. >.<
And REALLY don't think about Jabba the Hutt sex. xP
Thanks, B. :P
Hold Me, Whatever Lies Beyond This Mourning
Fun fact: Since I've started using lyrics as my blog titles, I can't start writing the post until I have a title, and I only take titles from whatever song I'm currently listening to. Thus writing posts may not happen for a while after I open a "new post" page. (The exception to this rule is this fun fact, I wrote it while the post didn't have a title. And it bugged my OCD more with each word. D:)
Okay. I had to wait through three songs before I found a good title. xD This title comes from a longer section of Simple and Clean which goes, "Hold me, whatever lies beyond this mourning is a little later on. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all, nothing's like before."
Anyway. Basically today was just cleaning my room, playing a little Oblivion, and working. Boring.
Talked to B for a little bit though! That's always fun. He's great to talk to. I think I maybe cheered him up a little, too. (hopefully)
Tomorrow's gonna be lame, I work for eight hours.
Hopefully Thursday I can hang out with D. I miss that kid! D:
Z left for Germany today! I got another letter with his new address and some awesome pictures of him using Force lightning. He had me send OO another text, and she told me that he called her while he was at the airport! Awesome. I'm glad he got to talk to her one more time before he had to leave.
Anyway, blah. My head is still a mess. Maybe someday I'll get used to it.
Okay. I had to wait through three songs before I found a good title. xD This title comes from a longer section of Simple and Clean which goes, "Hold me, whatever lies beyond this mourning is a little later on. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all, nothing's like before."
Anyway. Basically today was just cleaning my room, playing a little Oblivion, and working. Boring.
Talked to B for a little bit though! That's always fun. He's great to talk to. I think I maybe cheered him up a little, too. (hopefully)
Tomorrow's gonna be lame, I work for eight hours.
Hopefully Thursday I can hang out with D. I miss that kid! D:
Z left for Germany today! I got another letter with his new address and some awesome pictures of him using Force lightning. He had me send OO another text, and she told me that he called her while he was at the airport! Awesome. I'm glad he got to talk to her one more time before he had to leave.
Anyway, blah. My head is still a mess. Maybe someday I'll get used to it.
It's Getting Worse You Say, It Comes As No Surprise
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
that's the noise my brain is making
i just don't know what the heck to think
D asked A why he doesn't like me
"i just don't, idk"
i kissed K today
i don't really know
how i feel about that
except scared
D is back from montana
i didn't know
he and A were hanging out
i could have been there if i had known
i feel like shit
great
that's the noise my brain is making
i just don't know what the heck to think
D asked A why he doesn't like me
"i just don't, idk"
i kissed K today
i don't really know
how i feel about that
except scared
D is back from montana
i didn't know
he and A were hanging out
i could have been there if i had known
i feel like shit
great
Pain So Familiar And Close To The Heart
This is my 100th blog post! How crazy!
Talked to K for a while today, I'm still not sure what I think about him. My brain is just so... overloaded right now that I don't know what to think. And you know. I usually like shy, nerdy, book-reading, game-playing, movie-watching, smart guys that I've known for a while. K is really outgoing and energetic, and I don't know if I could handle that. Plus I've only known him a month. So that's all nice and confusing.
This week is going to be... hard. I miss my friends already.
A, W, B, K. That's the order these days, I think. Notice that I just think, I don't know. xD
Z leaves for Germany on Tuesday. So crazy. I miss him a ton. I keep wanting to just text him something, and then I remember I can't. It sucks. OO and I might team up to pay for some of the postage to him, though. xD
I miss a lot of people. Including (especially) some that I shouldn't. Oh well.
I'm in a terribly blah mood, as usual. I need something... fun and exciting. I just need to make it to May. Concert. Yeah.
<('o'<) (7'o')7 (>'o')>
Kirby dance party for all of you readers who made it all the way to post 100. It's been a crazy few months, and it's probably just going to get crazier. The joys of life.
Talked to K for a while today, I'm still not sure what I think about him. My brain is just so... overloaded right now that I don't know what to think. And you know. I usually like shy, nerdy, book-reading, game-playing, movie-watching, smart guys that I've known for a while. K is really outgoing and energetic, and I don't know if I could handle that. Plus I've only known him a month. So that's all nice and confusing.
This week is going to be... hard. I miss my friends already.
A, W, B, K. That's the order these days, I think. Notice that I just think, I don't know. xD
Z leaves for Germany on Tuesday. So crazy. I miss him a ton. I keep wanting to just text him something, and then I remember I can't. It sucks. OO and I might team up to pay for some of the postage to him, though. xD
I miss a lot of people. Including (especially) some that I shouldn't. Oh well.
I'm in a terribly blah mood, as usual. I need something... fun and exciting. I just need to make it to May. Concert. Yeah.
<('o'<) (7'o')7 (>'o')>
Kirby dance party for all of you readers who made it all the way to post 100. It's been a crazy few months, and it's probably just going to get crazier. The joys of life.
Search For The Answers I Knew All Along
UPDATE: I bought my ticket! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
SO EXCITED YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
IT NEEDS TO BE MAY TOMORROW.
OR NOW.
NOW WOULD BE GOOD.
So so so so so so excited. D:
SO EXCITED YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
IT NEEDS TO BE MAY TOMORROW.
OR NOW.
NOW WOULD BE GOOD.
So so so so so so excited. D:
I Can't Rely On Myself
hm.
I bought a new memory card for my PSP, so it could hold more of my music. Since my iPod is only 2 gigs and doesn't cut it anymore. So hooray for PSP.
This next week is going to be hell, I think. I work every day but Sunday and Thursday, and nearly all of my friends are out of town or are otherwise busy. Fantastic spring break, let me tell you.
Oh well. I need the money from work. Car. Concert. Car. Concert. Car.
That's my mantra.
And Pokemon SoulSilver, on the 14th.
But that's it. No more money spend.
I need to buy my ticket for Breaking Benjamin. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I don't want to plan this whole thing and then not get a ticket.
Yeah I'm doing that now.
I bought a new memory card for my PSP, so it could hold more of my music. Since my iPod is only 2 gigs and doesn't cut it anymore. So hooray for PSP.
This next week is going to be hell, I think. I work every day but Sunday and Thursday, and nearly all of my friends are out of town or are otherwise busy. Fantastic spring break, let me tell you.
Oh well. I need the money from work. Car. Concert. Car. Concert. Car.
That's my mantra.
And Pokemon SoulSilver, on the 14th.
But that's it. No more money spend.
I need to buy my ticket for Breaking Benjamin. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I don't want to plan this whole thing and then not get a ticket.
Yeah I'm doing that now.
Come And Take My Breath Away, Look Me Straight In The Face
I bought a bunch of cute new clothes at work today.
Watched Kenny Passion Stardust open his call, he's going to Johannesburg, South Africa! Awesome. He'll be preachin' the word from atop an elephant.
Hung out with B and Venom for a bit.
Went to Denny's with some of my friends from work. They're fun people!
In a really bad mood for some reason! Weird, because it was a pretty good day. Oh well. Not much different from normal. xD
Watched Kenny Passion Stardust open his call, he's going to Johannesburg, South Africa! Awesome. He'll be preachin' the word from atop an elephant.
Hung out with B and Venom for a bit.
Went to Denny's with some of my friends from work. They're fun people!
In a really bad mood for some reason! Weird, because it was a pretty good day. Oh well. Not much different from normal. xD
And I Can See You Starting To Break
Kind of a weird day! Went to class, that was pretty boring, then came home and my whole family was home so we went to get a movie, and I remembered I had to go see Macbeth.
Then on my way to Macbeth, I remembered that the psych test I kinda spaced was ending! So I ran and took that before the play started, and made it to my seat just in time.
The play was pretty cool, they set it in Civil War Tiemz. Shakespeare + Southern Accent = even harder to understand. And Lady Macbeth didn't seem crazy enough. But it was really good, they all did a great job! Especially my friend Gabby!
Then I went over to B's place, but he was asleep, and I hung out with K some more. He's a really nice guy, and he's funny, but I'm still just getting... nothing. It's weird. Oh well.
I should go to bed tonight. Yeah. I'll probably get a letter from Z tomorrow! :D Plus my friend Kenny Passion Stardust got his mission call, and I'm gonna go watch him open it when I get off work! Awesome.
Anyway, good night, people who actually read my blog. You're my favorite!
Then on my way to Macbeth, I remembered that the psych test I kinda spaced was ending! So I ran and took that before the play started, and made it to my seat just in time.
The play was pretty cool, they set it in Civil War Tiemz. Shakespeare + Southern Accent = even harder to understand. And Lady Macbeth didn't seem crazy enough. But it was really good, they all did a great job! Especially my friend Gabby!
Then I went over to B's place, but he was asleep, and I hung out with K some more. He's a really nice guy, and he's funny, but I'm still just getting... nothing. It's weird. Oh well.
I should go to bed tonight. Yeah. I'll probably get a letter from Z tomorrow! :D Plus my friend Kenny Passion Stardust got his mission call, and I'm gonna go watch him open it when I get off work! Awesome.
Anyway, good night, people who actually read my blog. You're my favorite!
This Crowded Bar Is Full Of Sin
Had a bad start to the morning, but the rest of the day was pretty good! I wrote my paper, went to class and turned it in, and then went to take a quick nap in between classes. I had about an hour to sleep. I passed out on a couch in the student center, like hardcore passed out. I woke up and was afraid that it had been like three hours and I would be late for everything, but I looked at my phone and it was exactly time to go to class! :D
Then I came home, bantered with A on Facebook for a bit, and went to work. Work was slow and boring, and I had to wear an apron that said "Bra Fit Specialist" (pretty cool, not gonna lie.) Then my friend Jocelyn came in and we talked for a while! Then I was offffffff work!
I called W as soon as I was off, like he told me to yesterday. He had some homework to do, but he said he'd call me when he was done and he and his girlfriend might hang out with me!
Then I went home and had a new DVD of Chuck from Netflix, so I watched that and ate pizza! THEN W CALLED ME. :D It always makes me so happy when he calls. He asked if it was cool for him and his girl to come over, and I said of course! So they came over and we played Halo. W schooled me, as usual. We only had two controllers, so his girlfriend didn't play, but next time we'll all play (because W will remember to bring more controllers. xD)
Basically it was a good day. For the most part! EXCEPT. I saw C and BF THREE FREAKING TIMES TODAY. D:
I was walking with OO across campus, and we passed them. BF said hi to OO, because they're kind of friends? And OO said hi back, and then we walked further and I was like, "That's why I don't usually walk this way!" and we laughed about it.
Then they were like, twenty steps ahead of me when I was walking to my car.
THEN. D: I was driving, and pulled up to a light, making a right turn. There was a stream of cars coming, so I just chilled for a minute and was looking out my window. WHEN WHO SHOULD PULL UP NEXT TO ME BUT... yeah it was C and BF. BF and I made awkward eye contact for like two seconds, then looked away quickly. I didn't look back.
I hate it when they pop up like that. It makes my heart start racing. Like one of those freaky monster movies. BOO!
Anyway, that was basically my day today! Hanging out with W was awesome, although I wish we had some time to talk, like really talk. I don't want to take away from his girlfriend, but I really like talking to him. He makes me feel better.
Also I wrote another letter to Z, bringing this week's total to two. xD He's gonna be happy, I think! :D I miss him a ton.
D was in Pocatello this morning, which is where I lived when I was 3-6 years old! Awesome.
Anyway, my head is still a messed up place, but today made me feel a little better. So that's good, I s'pose!
Then I came home, bantered with A on Facebook for a bit, and went to work. Work was slow and boring, and I had to wear an apron that said "Bra Fit Specialist" (pretty cool, not gonna lie.) Then my friend Jocelyn came in and we talked for a while! Then I was offffffff work!
I called W as soon as I was off, like he told me to yesterday. He had some homework to do, but he said he'd call me when he was done and he and his girlfriend might hang out with me!
Then I went home and had a new DVD of Chuck from Netflix, so I watched that and ate pizza! THEN W CALLED ME. :D It always makes me so happy when he calls. He asked if it was cool for him and his girl to come over, and I said of course! So they came over and we played Halo. W schooled me, as usual. We only had two controllers, so his girlfriend didn't play, but next time we'll all play (because W will remember to bring more controllers. xD)
Basically it was a good day. For the most part! EXCEPT. I saw C and BF THREE FREAKING TIMES TODAY. D:
I was walking with OO across campus, and we passed them. BF said hi to OO, because they're kind of friends? And OO said hi back, and then we walked further and I was like, "That's why I don't usually walk this way!" and we laughed about it.
Then they were like, twenty steps ahead of me when I was walking to my car.
THEN. D: I was driving, and pulled up to a light, making a right turn. There was a stream of cars coming, so I just chilled for a minute and was looking out my window. WHEN WHO SHOULD PULL UP NEXT TO ME BUT... yeah it was C and BF. BF and I made awkward eye contact for like two seconds, then looked away quickly. I didn't look back.
I hate it when they pop up like that. It makes my heart start racing. Like one of those freaky monster movies. BOO!
Anyway, that was basically my day today! Hanging out with W was awesome, although I wish we had some time to talk, like really talk. I don't want to take away from his girlfriend, but I really like talking to him. He makes me feel better.
Also I wrote another letter to Z, bringing this week's total to two. xD He's gonna be happy, I think! :D I miss him a ton.
D was in Pocatello this morning, which is where I lived when I was 3-6 years old! Awesome.
Anyway, my head is still a messed up place, but today made me feel a little better. So that's good, I s'pose!
Rip My Heart Out Of My Chest, Goin' Nowhere Fast
I figured it out, I think. Why I'm physically "comfortable" around K, but I don't know anything else.
I'm numb. I realized tonight that I literally cannot register any feelings when he touches me. I'm sure the same would be true for just about any guy, so it's not his fault.
I feel like I'm just watching my life on TV. Nothing is registering internally.
I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong.
It's not like I DON'T want him touching me, but I don't particularly WANT it, either. Numb. It just doesn't feel like anything. Like it's happening to someone else.
I'm really messed up.
I'm numb. I realized tonight that I literally cannot register any feelings when he touches me. I'm sure the same would be true for just about any guy, so it's not his fault.
I feel like I'm just watching my life on TV. Nothing is registering internally.
I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong.
It's not like I DON'T want him touching me, but I don't particularly WANT it, either. Numb. It just doesn't feel like anything. Like it's happening to someone else.
I'm really messed up.
You're Always On My Mind
Okay. Here's the deal. There are only a few things I know for certain about boys right now:
I have a major crush on A, physically, emotionally, mentally, all of that. Huge crush. But he's my friend first, and I'm not going to do anything to mess that up. But I jump at any chance to hang out with him, and I would do a backflip if I thought it would get me a date with him.
When I'm feeling sad and lonely and down, my brain first goes to D and Z, then to W. And since Z is on his mission and D just left for Montana for like a week, W is the one that's here.
As for my feelings on W, I like him a lot. Like a *lot*. But I know that he has a girlfriend. I KNOW. And I don't want to mess that up for him. Which is why K had to force me to call W today when I was feeling down. I didn't want to bug him, and I don't want his girlfriend thinking there's something going on. Because there's not. We might hang out and play Halo sometime this week, but that's all. I just need someone to talk to, and with D and Z gone, my options are limited.
I want to kick C in the nuts a little bit.
I like B intellectually. He's smart and funny. I don't know about anything else though.
Those are the only honest and true facts that are sure in my head right now. Everything else is a jumbled MESS.
And the things that I want? That I want the most?
I want to hang out with my brothers.
I want to go on a date with A. (Is it that much to ask?)
I want to hang out with W.
I want to kick C in the nuts.
I want to move out.
Those are the things that I want the very most right now. Hopefully the hanging out with W will happen very soon, like tomorrow or Friday. Calling him today made me feel loads better. He said he was glad I called, and that he was sorry he's busy so often. And he said to call him when I have time to hang out this week so we can play Halo and watch dumb movies.
I think he was surprised to learn that he's the one I turn to when I can't get D or Z. Talking to him just always makes me feel better, I guess. Because we're always just honest.
For some reason I don't feel nearly as comfortable talking to my female friends. I don't know why.
As for K, I have absolutely no idea what I think or feel about him right now. I know he likes me (I have to hit him to get him to keep his hands to himself), but I don't know what my reaction to that is. My brain is so overloaded right now that probably like three months from now I'll be like, "Man, it was really nice to hang out with him." and by then it won't even matter.
I hope that makes it a little clearer for people? Not that really all that many people read this, but still. It helped me to get it all written down, at least!
And now to go clean the bathroom. Then I think I need to play some video games. It's been a while.
I have a major crush on A, physically, emotionally, mentally, all of that. Huge crush. But he's my friend first, and I'm not going to do anything to mess that up. But I jump at any chance to hang out with him, and I would do a backflip if I thought it would get me a date with him.
When I'm feeling sad and lonely and down, my brain first goes to D and Z, then to W. And since Z is on his mission and D just left for Montana for like a week, W is the one that's here.
As for my feelings on W, I like him a lot. Like a *lot*. But I know that he has a girlfriend. I KNOW. And I don't want to mess that up for him. Which is why K had to force me to call W today when I was feeling down. I didn't want to bug him, and I don't want his girlfriend thinking there's something going on. Because there's not. We might hang out and play Halo sometime this week, but that's all. I just need someone to talk to, and with D and Z gone, my options are limited.
I want to kick C in the nuts a little bit.
I like B intellectually. He's smart and funny. I don't know about anything else though.
Those are the only honest and true facts that are sure in my head right now. Everything else is a jumbled MESS.
And the things that I want? That I want the most?
I want to hang out with my brothers.
I want to go on a date with A. (Is it that much to ask?)
I want to hang out with W.
I want to kick C in the nuts.
I want to move out.
Those are the things that I want the very most right now. Hopefully the hanging out with W will happen very soon, like tomorrow or Friday. Calling him today made me feel loads better. He said he was glad I called, and that he was sorry he's busy so often. And he said to call him when I have time to hang out this week so we can play Halo and watch dumb movies.
I think he was surprised to learn that he's the one I turn to when I can't get D or Z. Talking to him just always makes me feel better, I guess. Because we're always just honest.
For some reason I don't feel nearly as comfortable talking to my female friends. I don't know why.
As for K, I have absolutely no idea what I think or feel about him right now. I know he likes me (I have to hit him to get him to keep his hands to himself), but I don't know what my reaction to that is. My brain is so overloaded right now that probably like three months from now I'll be like, "Man, it was really nice to hang out with him." and by then it won't even matter.
I hope that makes it a little clearer for people? Not that really all that many people read this, but still. It helped me to get it all written down, at least!
And now to go clean the bathroom. Then I think I need to play some video games. It's been a while.
(Hide In Your Eyes) Dancing In The Bright Lights
Had lunch with D today. We went to Wendy's. Pretty awesome. On the way there he was like, "You don't like Mongolian BBQ, do you?"
"Why?" I asked.
"Because that's where A wants to go."
"Dude. Here is the deal. Anywhere A wants to go is a place I want to be."
Sometimes guys just don't get it. xD But I got to see A for a few minutes! Tried really hard not to stare, but I don't know if I succeeded. A is my friend first and foremost, but he does happen to be a friend that I am incredibly attracted to. xD
Still feeling anxious and weird, though. Same ol', same ol'.
Well, that's all I can think of for now. My brain feels a little bit fried. I don't know why. Oh well.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because that's where A wants to go."
"Dude. Here is the deal. Anywhere A wants to go is a place I want to be."
Sometimes guys just don't get it. xD But I got to see A for a few minutes! Tried really hard not to stare, but I don't know if I succeeded. A is my friend first and foremost, but he does happen to be a friend that I am incredibly attracted to. xD
Still feeling anxious and weird, though. Same ol', same ol'.
Well, that's all I can think of for now. My brain feels a little bit fried. I don't know why. Oh well.
You're Building Me Up Just To Break Me Down
When I'm like this, totally freaking out for no reason, anxious and somehow terrified, the only thing that comes to mind is how much I just want to hear W say "It's otay" or A say "stop freaking out and start being awesome."
I hate this pressure.
I hate this pressure.
Spring Blossoms You To Me
GUYS.
FEBRUARY HAS BEEN OVER FOR AN HOUR AND EIGHTEEN MINUTES.
HOORAY!!!!!!
:D
Time to start over, methinks.
FEBRUARY HAS BEEN OVER FOR AN HOUR AND EIGHTEEN MINUTES.
HOORAY!!!!!!
:D
Time to start over, methinks.
'Cause I Feel Like Such An Insomniac! (Please Take Me Away From Here)
So, K and I have decided just to be friends for now. I'm just... *sigh*
I don't even know. I want guys I can't have, and guys I can have, I usually end up just being like.... meh. Or something like that. Being friends.
Honestly, I probably most likely would totally date B if he didn't smoke so freakin' much. Srs. <.<
xD
And of course I would jump at the chance to date A. Like, I would jump through a flaming hoop. Of fire. And redundancy. And sharks, even. Maybe even... MORAY EELS! D:
Yeah, that's how much I would like to date him. I would face moray eels and the Monopoly Man, but I can't just be like, "Hey A, date me." That's even scarier! D:
Basically, I'm back at freakin' square one, but... WHATEVER. xP
Only like three and a half more hours of February! :D :D
I don't even know. I want guys I can't have, and guys I can have, I usually end up just being like.... meh. Or something like that. Being friends.
Honestly, I probably most likely would totally date B if he didn't smoke so freakin' much. Srs. <.<
xD
And of course I would jump at the chance to date A. Like, I would jump through a flaming hoop. Of fire. And redundancy. And sharks, even. Maybe even... MORAY EELS! D:
Yeah, that's how much I would like to date him. I would face moray eels and the Monopoly Man, but I can't just be like, "Hey A, date me." That's even scarier! D:
Basically, I'm back at freakin' square one, but... WHATEVER. xP
Only like three and a half more hours of February! :D :D
Do You Still Hear Him, Calling In The Air Tonight?
Went over to B's and hung out with those guys again. xD We finished watching Pulp Fiction, which was an awesome movie. Then B and Venom went to bed, and me and K stayed up talking for a while. This is what I learned about him:
His middle name is Wesley.
He has two brothers that are younger than him.
He wants to be a pilot.
He likes FPS games.
His parents moved around a lot when he was a kid, but his favorite place they lived was Kentucky.
If he had a superpower, it would be the one from Jumper.
So I am getting to know him more. I'm still not entirely sure how I think/feel about him. I know he's cute and nice and funny, and I like him... but I don't know more than that yet. Still gotta force myself to go slow. Slow slow slow. >.<
Jonag came and visited me at work yesterday! It made me so happy, I love it when people visit me at work. And I hadn't seen Jonag in forever because he'd been in Hawaii.
So I was late getting back from B's last night, and apparently my dad noticed. So he asked me when I got home and I told the truth because I figured if he was asking he already knew. The only punishment was he hit me on the head with an envelope and reminded me of the curfew. Really I think they just don't want me sleeping over anywhere anymore, so as long as I come home I think I'm okay.
No work today, so I have to go to church. I'll probably just go sit in the lobby and zone out or something. I would just not go, but my mom wants a report so she knows I'm not lying. Boring.
Hopes and goals for this week:
Hang out more with K, maybe a date?
Hang out with D and A.
Talk to W (unlikely).
Sleep more.
Eat more.
Get all my homework done.
Do some laundry.
Play video games.
Do fun things!
It's the last day of February! Hooray! Next up: March. Then April. THEN MAY!!!! :D :D :D :D :D YAY!!!!
I love May.
His middle name is Wesley.
He has two brothers that are younger than him.
He wants to be a pilot.
He likes FPS games.
His parents moved around a lot when he was a kid, but his favorite place they lived was Kentucky.
If he had a superpower, it would be the one from Jumper.
So I am getting to know him more. I'm still not entirely sure how I think/feel about him. I know he's cute and nice and funny, and I like him... but I don't know more than that yet. Still gotta force myself to go slow. Slow slow slow. >.<
Jonag came and visited me at work yesterday! It made me so happy, I love it when people visit me at work. And I hadn't seen Jonag in forever because he'd been in Hawaii.
So I was late getting back from B's last night, and apparently my dad noticed. So he asked me when I got home and I told the truth because I figured if he was asking he already knew. The only punishment was he hit me on the head with an envelope and reminded me of the curfew. Really I think they just don't want me sleeping over anywhere anymore, so as long as I come home I think I'm okay.
No work today, so I have to go to church. I'll probably just go sit in the lobby and zone out or something. I would just not go, but my mom wants a report so she knows I'm not lying. Boring.
Hopes and goals for this week:
Hang out more with K, maybe a date?
Hang out with D and A.
Talk to W (unlikely).
Sleep more.
Eat more.
Get all my homework done.
Do some laundry.
Play video games.
Do fun things!
It's the last day of February! Hooray! Next up: March. Then April. THEN MAY!!!! :D :D :D :D :D YAY!!!!
I love May.
If You Feel So Walked On, So Painful, So Pissed Off
Hung out with K, B, and Venom some more! It was fun, we watched South Park and talked about Harry Potter. K also invited me to go on a double date sometime, but he doesn't know when yet. xD So that should be pretty awesome.
C's brother was hurt at school today. They were playing flag football in P.E. and C's brother and another kid smacked their heads together while going for an interception. C's brother started having a seizure and puking, so my little sister took control and was like, "You call 911, you go for help, you stay with [C's brother], and I'll help the other kid." She did a really good job, but it freaked her out.
I'm worried too. I mean, for two years the kid was like MY brother, because I was so close to C's family. But now I can't even really find out how he's doing, because C would freak out if I contacted his family at all. So I have to wait for news to come through the grapevine to my sister. Nerve-wracking. I just hope he's okay, getting hit in the head and then having a seizure are not good things. At all.
So I'm worried about that, but I'm also happy from hanging out with K. It was very nice. He smells good. I'm still... well, physically I'm comfortable, he's just warm and huggy and comforting. And he's funny and nice, so I like that. I'm just... well. Messed up in the emotional department a little. I have to remember to go slow. Slow. Which is just hard because physically I'm comfortable. Which is weird, I usually get nervous and start shaking when I hug a new guy. xD W called me a "bunny rabbit, because you shake when you're nervous but if I hold you tight you calm down." I guess that's a good description.
Basically, I have no idea. Like, seriously, I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling half the time. I just need to be careful and go with it, I guess.
I am so timid. "I guess. Well. I'm still... I just hope." <- Words of a timid, anxious person.
Anyway, it is definitely bedtime.
26 down, 2 to go! :D
C's brother was hurt at school today. They were playing flag football in P.E. and C's brother and another kid smacked their heads together while going for an interception. C's brother started having a seizure and puking, so my little sister took control and was like, "You call 911, you go for help, you stay with [C's brother], and I'll help the other kid." She did a really good job, but it freaked her out.
I'm worried too. I mean, for two years the kid was like MY brother, because I was so close to C's family. But now I can't even really find out how he's doing, because C would freak out if I contacted his family at all. So I have to wait for news to come through the grapevine to my sister. Nerve-wracking. I just hope he's okay, getting hit in the head and then having a seizure are not good things. At all.
So I'm worried about that, but I'm also happy from hanging out with K. It was very nice. He smells good. I'm still... well, physically I'm comfortable, he's just warm and huggy and comforting. And he's funny and nice, so I like that. I'm just... well. Messed up in the emotional department a little. I have to remember to go slow. Slow. Which is just hard because physically I'm comfortable. Which is weird, I usually get nervous and start shaking when I hug a new guy. xD W called me a "bunny rabbit, because you shake when you're nervous but if I hold you tight you calm down." I guess that's a good description.
Basically, I have no idea. Like, seriously, I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling half the time. I just need to be careful and go with it, I guess.
I am so timid. "I guess. Well. I'm still... I just hope." <- Words of a timid, anxious person.
Anyway, it is definitely bedtime.
26 down, 2 to go! :D
And I Was Thinking Of Places That I Could Hide
So it appears this blog is getting more viewers every day! Hello, world!
Now, I would like to say that just because more people read it does not mean I'm going to stop the way I write. I write this blog to be honest with myself and whoever reads it, like I said before. It's like a journal that I let people read. Yeah. With song lyrics for entry titles. xD
Okay, so B's roommate is going to need a nickname. I think I can safely go with K. It hasn't been used yet, I think. So yeah, tall cute roommate is now K.
Tonight I went over to D's and hung out with him and Ali and some other peoples (no A) for a while. We watched part of the Simpsons movie and then decided to get some food. As we were leaving to get food... I texted K. Yeah. I texted him first. D: I hate texting people first. It freaks me out. I get totally anxious. xD But I did it! And he invited me over.
I went and got food with D and them, and then when we were done eating I went over to B's apartment. We watched a funny show for a little while, and then we just kind of sat around talking and I scratched K's head. xD
(Oh, for readers not familiar with my emoticons, xD is the equivalent of lol. But cooler.)
Also, he asked if I'd like to go on a date sometime. :3 So I said yes.
Now, here's the thing. I am a little terrified of like... relationshippy stuff right now. On the one hand, I am dying for some attention, for someone to pay attention to me, to have someone to talk to. On the other hand, I have had pretty terrible luck in that department, so I'm nervous. Every guy that I have actually liked, like seriously liked, has liked another girl more than me. If not immediately, then eventually. C with BF, W with his girlfriend, and A with every girl but me. (>.< lame.) So I'm worried about that. Not very confident, I guess.
For another thing, I still... Like, I like K. He's funny and nice and cute. But I still like A, I still crush on W. I know that with A, he doesn't return the feelings, and W has a girlfriend so obviously nothing's happening there. But I've liked them for a while, so... I guess it's hard to let go of.
Plus I don't really know K yet. And as I've said before, I usually don't start liking boys seriously until I've known them a while. I'm going to have to force myself to take it slow so I don't mess things up.
Now, as for K himself. Pros are that he's tall, funny, nice, outgoing, cute, and kinda... I dunno, snuggly or something. xD Those are all very good things. Cons are that he smokes (not much or a lot, supposedly, but still), I don't really know him yet, and I'm a little worried he might try to move too fast. (Which I might want, but I'm not sure yet? I guess? I don't even know.)
With the smoking, it's just a turn-off. Chaos and I were talking about it, and she was like, "B's not really my type, but even if he was, the smoking thing is just a huge turn-off." (Sorry B, I don't know if I had told you that yet. D:) Like, I don't really care if people smoke. I know it's an addiction, and some people can break the addiction and some can't. I'm not going to try to force anyone to stop. I would encourage them to stop, but I wouldn't like... stop being friends with them. The thing is, I just don't really want to be a) hanging out with someone who's on mind-altering things (however little the effect is)(yes, even cigarettes alter your brain a little) and b) I don't really want to be hugging/kissing someone who smells/tastes like smoke. Just kinda gross. Reason B is more important. xD There is also a reason C, but I won't go into that one. xD
But the other things are easily fixable! I just have to get to know him better and see what happens. Which I want to do, because I do like him and he's funny and cute and all.
I'm just terrified. Like, seriously. I feel so anxious about everything that it's driving me crazy. I feel like I need to curl up into a tiny ball and cry or something. Something.
Terrified, nervous, anxious, confused, tired, bored, lonely, angry, heartbroken, depressed, regretful, excited, comforted, happy. My psychology teacher told us that usually when psychologists ask people to list some things that they feel on a regular basis, most people come up with seven. I doubled that and most of them aren't great. Ahaha.
Anyway, hopefully tomorrow (today) there will be a date with K! I don't know what we'll do or if the date will actually happen, but... woo! It's weird that I'm nervous, considering I spent like an hour tonight with his head in my lap. I think it's because physically I'm comfortable, it's just mentally and emotionally that needs work.
How messed up is that. xD
This was really long, wow. Sorry about that!
25 down, 3 to go. So close!
Now, I would like to say that just because more people read it does not mean I'm going to stop the way I write. I write this blog to be honest with myself and whoever reads it, like I said before. It's like a journal that I let people read. Yeah. With song lyrics for entry titles. xD
Okay, so B's roommate is going to need a nickname. I think I can safely go with K. It hasn't been used yet, I think. So yeah, tall cute roommate is now K.
Tonight I went over to D's and hung out with him and Ali and some other peoples (no A) for a while. We watched part of the Simpsons movie and then decided to get some food. As we were leaving to get food... I texted K. Yeah. I texted him first. D: I hate texting people first. It freaks me out. I get totally anxious. xD But I did it! And he invited me over.
I went and got food with D and them, and then when we were done eating I went over to B's apartment. We watched a funny show for a little while, and then we just kind of sat around talking and I scratched K's head. xD
(Oh, for readers not familiar with my emoticons, xD is the equivalent of lol. But cooler.)
Also, he asked if I'd like to go on a date sometime. :3 So I said yes.
Now, here's the thing. I am a little terrified of like... relationshippy stuff right now. On the one hand, I am dying for some attention, for someone to pay attention to me, to have someone to talk to. On the other hand, I have had pretty terrible luck in that department, so I'm nervous. Every guy that I have actually liked, like seriously liked, has liked another girl more than me. If not immediately, then eventually. C with BF, W with his girlfriend, and A with every girl but me. (>.< lame.) So I'm worried about that. Not very confident, I guess.
For another thing, I still... Like, I like K. He's funny and nice and cute. But I still like A, I still crush on W. I know that with A, he doesn't return the feelings, and W has a girlfriend so obviously nothing's happening there. But I've liked them for a while, so... I guess it's hard to let go of.
Plus I don't really know K yet. And as I've said before, I usually don't start liking boys seriously until I've known them a while. I'm going to have to force myself to take it slow so I don't mess things up.
Now, as for K himself. Pros are that he's tall, funny, nice, outgoing, cute, and kinda... I dunno, snuggly or something. xD Those are all very good things. Cons are that he smokes (not much or a lot, supposedly, but still), I don't really know him yet, and I'm a little worried he might try to move too fast. (Which I might want, but I'm not sure yet? I guess? I don't even know.)
With the smoking, it's just a turn-off. Chaos and I were talking about it, and she was like, "B's not really my type, but even if he was, the smoking thing is just a huge turn-off." (Sorry B, I don't know if I had told you that yet. D:) Like, I don't really care if people smoke. I know it's an addiction, and some people can break the addiction and some can't. I'm not going to try to force anyone to stop. I would encourage them to stop, but I wouldn't like... stop being friends with them. The thing is, I just don't really want to be a) hanging out with someone who's on mind-altering things (however little the effect is)(yes, even cigarettes alter your brain a little) and b) I don't really want to be hugging/kissing someone who smells/tastes like smoke. Just kinda gross. Reason B is more important. xD There is also a reason C, but I won't go into that one. xD
But the other things are easily fixable! I just have to get to know him better and see what happens. Which I want to do, because I do like him and he's funny and cute and all.
I'm just terrified. Like, seriously. I feel so anxious about everything that it's driving me crazy. I feel like I need to curl up into a tiny ball and cry or something. Something.
Terrified, nervous, anxious, confused, tired, bored, lonely, angry, heartbroken, depressed, regretful, excited, comforted, happy. My psychology teacher told us that usually when psychologists ask people to list some things that they feel on a regular basis, most people come up with seven. I doubled that and most of them aren't great. Ahaha.
Anyway, hopefully tomorrow (today) there will be a date with K! I don't know what we'll do or if the date will actually happen, but... woo! It's weird that I'm nervous, considering I spent like an hour tonight with his head in my lap. I think it's because physically I'm comfortable, it's just mentally and emotionally that needs work.
How messed up is that. xD
This was really long, wow. Sorry about that!
25 down, 3 to go. So close!
But In The End, It Doesn't Even Matter
Being friends with mostly guys can really suck sometimes. Guyfriends never just ask you how you're doing. Okay, not never, but rarely. And when they do, and you try to talk to them about how you're really feeling, they don't always listen.
I really just want to talk to someone. To have someone know exactly what I'm feeling, and at least try to help me. Which happens occasionally, but like... I dunno. I want something like
I can't even miss him anymore, it hurts too much. But I can't help it, either.
I would seriously hang out with B and his roommates every day, if I wasn't worried about them getting sick of me. xD I would hang out with any of my friends every day if I could. If I have to choose between being with my friends and doing ANYTHING else, friends win like 99.9% of the time. It's the only time I feel okay.
But I can't be with my friends all the time. So I hurt.
Kinda sucks.
(Almost) 24 down, 4 to go.
I really just want to talk to someone. To have someone know exactly what I'm feeling, and at least try to help me. Which happens occasionally, but like... I dunno. I want something like
I can't even miss him anymore, it hurts too much. But I can't help it, either.
I would seriously hang out with B and his roommates every day, if I wasn't worried about them getting sick of me. xD I would hang out with any of my friends every day if I could. If I have to choose between being with my friends and doing ANYTHING else, friends win like 99.9% of the time. It's the only time I feel okay.
But I can't be with my friends all the time. So I hurt.
Kinda sucks.
(Almost) 24 down, 4 to go.
I Wanted To Forgive, I'm Trying To Forget
I feel terribly anxious. I don't know what it is.
Probably 'cause it's that time of the month.
I just want to cry or something.
My chest hurts.
23 down, 5 to go. ._.
Probably 'cause it's that time of the month.
I just want to cry or something.
My chest hurts.
23 down, 5 to go. ._.
This Feeling's Tearing Me Up (Here We Go Now)
Yeah, that title basically sums it up. I feel like my emotions are having an all out war in my head. I just want them to shut up so I can think straight. >.<
But I doubt that'll ever happen.
In other news, I have a shoebox alligator that I made at work. Yeah, productive.
Tired, bored, confused, and thinking too much. That's my life right now, basically. Same old.
I have the day off tomorrow (today), hopefully I'll hang out with someone!
But for now, bedtime.
But I doubt that'll ever happen.
In other news, I have a shoebox alligator that I made at work. Yeah, productive.
Tired, bored, confused, and thinking too much. That's my life right now, basically. Same old.
I have the day off tomorrow (today), hopefully I'll hang out with someone!
But for now, bedtime.
I Don't Know What's Worth Fighting For, Or Why I Have To Scream
So, went over to B's house and played a game with him and his roommates.
Um, his one roommate that is tall and kind of attractive is no longer dating someone. So maybe? (again) *does not get hopes up*
I'm kinda tired and out of it, so this is really short, I guess.
(Tall roommate is pretty cute, though. And funny.)
(But I won't get my hopes up.)
(Or I'll try not to.)
(Why are emotions so confusing?)
(And painful.)
21 down, 7 to go. Only a week left!
Um, his one roommate that is tall and kind of attractive is no longer dating someone. So maybe? (again) *does not get hopes up*
I'm kinda tired and out of it, so this is really short, I guess.
(Tall roommate is pretty cute, though. And funny.)
(But I won't get my hopes up.)
(Or I'll try not to.)
(Why are emotions so confusing?)
(And painful.)
21 down, 7 to go. Only a week left!
Z's Adventures!
So, here are the pictures Z has sent me! He's an awesome brother.
This one made me crack up. For like ten minutes.
Z and his favorite Elder. My mom says this picture looks like they're going on Dancing With The Stars. xD
Popcorn Gollum!
Z calls this costume "Ninja Mouth."
Ninja Mouth is about to pounce on Aubrey! (Yeah, one of his companions is named Aubrey. Weird, huh?)
And there he is with his broken kneecap. xD
I have a bunch more pictures, but for some reason Blogger is being dumb about posting them, and I don't like looking at all the html code. It's annoying!
So the only consequence of sleeping over at D's is that the van has a curfew of midnight now. Totally worth it. xD
Also... well, that's all I feel like writing right now. Kinda tired. xD
Only 8 days left! :D
This one made me crack up. For like ten minutes.
Z and his favorite Elder. My mom says this picture looks like they're going on Dancing With The Stars. xD
Popcorn Gollum!
Z calls this costume "Ninja Mouth."
Ninja Mouth is about to pounce on Aubrey! (Yeah, one of his companions is named Aubrey. Weird, huh?)
And there he is with his broken kneecap. xD
I have a bunch more pictures, but for some reason Blogger is being dumb about posting them, and I don't like looking at all the html code. It's annoying!
So the only consequence of sleeping over at D's is that the van has a curfew of midnight now. Totally worth it. xD
Also... well, that's all I feel like writing right now. Kinda tired. xD
Only 8 days left! :D
Oh, You're My Best Friend, In A World We Must Defend!
So last night I was a bad girl. :O I slept over at D's house with him and A. I'll probably be in trouble or something next time I see my parents, but I'm gonna clean the kitchen when I go home and that should make it a little better.
Anyway. I will reiterate that hanging out with those guys is the best thing ever. We didn't hardly even do anything, just watched A beat Mass Effect 2, went to McDonald's, and played some more games. I fell asleep at some point, and next thing I knew I woke up and it was three thirty in the morning. I decided I'd rather have my parents be mad at me for sleeping at D's without telling them than have them be mad at me for falling asleep behind the wheel and crashing the van into the river and dying. So I sent them a text letting them know I was alive, and went back to sleep.
Then I woke up this morning, sneakily watched A sleeping for two seconds (boys are so cute when they're asleep, not gonna lie), and went home to get ready for school.
Also, I have a horrible cold, so that's tons of fun. -_-
Basically right now I'm just thinking about getting home, cleaning the kitchen, eating, talking to my mom about my adventure last night, and taking medicine. Plus, you know, thinking about boys. A in particular. He's so attractive. -_- But for some reason I'm okay with just being his friend. Probably because it's A. He's just so random and crazy that... I dunno. He's a freaking awesome friend, I wish it would be more, but I'm not going to obsess over trying to get him to like me when he's already such an awesome person.
Trying to act normal around guys you like can be pretty hard. I gotta keep reminding myself not to stare. xD
Anyway, I'm not really thinking straight, so if I read this later and it's actually coherent, I will be very surprised.
15 down, 13 to go.
Anyway. I will reiterate that hanging out with those guys is the best thing ever. We didn't hardly even do anything, just watched A beat Mass Effect 2, went to McDonald's, and played some more games. I fell asleep at some point, and next thing I knew I woke up and it was three thirty in the morning. I decided I'd rather have my parents be mad at me for sleeping at D's without telling them than have them be mad at me for falling asleep behind the wheel and crashing the van into the river and dying. So I sent them a text letting them know I was alive, and went back to sleep.
Then I woke up this morning, sneakily watched A sleeping for two seconds (boys are so cute when they're asleep, not gonna lie), and went home to get ready for school.
Also, I have a horrible cold, so that's tons of fun. -_-
Basically right now I'm just thinking about getting home, cleaning the kitchen, eating, talking to my mom about my adventure last night, and taking medicine. Plus, you know, thinking about boys. A in particular. He's so attractive. -_- But for some reason I'm okay with just being his friend. Probably because it's A. He's just so random and crazy that... I dunno. He's a freaking awesome friend, I wish it would be more, but I'm not going to obsess over trying to get him to like me when he's already such an awesome person.
Trying to act normal around guys you like can be pretty hard. I gotta keep reminding myself not to stare. xD
Anyway, I'm not really thinking straight, so if I read this later and it's actually coherent, I will be very surprised.
15 down, 13 to go.
A Year Has Passed, The Seasons Go
Well, it's been a year.
Valentine's Day kinda sucks, which is why I celebrate Vincent Valentine's Day. Which is fantastic.
For my VVDay present, I bought myself a 12-pack of Mountain Dew Voltage, swiss cake rolls, sour cream and onion Pringles, and a Bond movie. Thunderball with Sean Connery as Bond. It was either that or Die Another Day, and I think we all know that Sean Connery Bond > Pierce Brosnan Bond.
Also, last night I hung out with B and Venom, which was fun. They're pretty hilarious guys! Also, B and I watched Clerks, which was awesome.
I think I have a cold. >.<
I also think I will put the pictures that Z sends me up here at some point, because they're just hysterical.
Anyway, time to munch on some chocolate and watch Bond.
Happy Vincent Valentine's Day! :D
(I made it through a year.)
What's That Sound? You're So Loud!
Last night, I went over to D's to hang out with him and Ali. We watched some dumb romantic movie, and then Ali had to go home. I thought I'd leave pretty soon after that, but D and I started talking. We've never really just sat down and talked about... I dunno, emotional stuff before. It was really nice. He's seriously the best brother ever. I can basically tell him anything, and he just helps me out and talks to me. Plus he's hilarious and fun to hang out with.
Anyway, so I had told my dad I would probably be home around midnight, but because we got to talking, it ended up being closer to 2:30 a.m. So I was coming into the house all quiet-like, trying not to wake people up...
And an alarm goes off. BOOWEEOOOWEEOOWEEOOOWOOP!
So I freak out, and find the source, a motion sensing penguin next to my door. It gets switched off, and I walk farther into my room.
BOOWEEOOOWEEOOWEEOOOWOOP!
Yeah, there were two of them. Nearly gave me a heart attack, and woke my dad up, although he said he just rolled over and went back to sleep.
Also, tonight I went to an awesome dance! I had kinda spent the whole day by myself, just wandering around town, because I didn't want to be at home. Then I decided to go over to the college, because I had heard of some dance. It ended up being a dance for the people who were from the drama festival thing, but they were just letting whoever in. It was AWESOME. They played music that you could actually dance to, no slow songs, hardly any rap... awesome. Plus they showed the music videos for the songs that were playing, so that was pretty cool.
Oh! I got a letter and some pictures from Z today too! There's a hilarious picture of him and one of his companions holding "Chastity" pamphlets and looking suspicious. I put it up on my wall. That kid is so funny. I miss him.
Anyway, I think that's about it for tonight. I should sleep soon, I wore my voice out from singing at that dance. Plus it was already sore... I hope I'm not getting sick. xP
Although it would not surprise me! :D
12 down, 16 to go.
I Live For Those I Lost Along the Way
Hung out with A and D yesterday! It's always the highlight of my week when I do. They're just so freakin' hilarious. They played some games, I took a mini-nap on the floor, we watched "The 25 Hottest Women of Sci-Fi," Ali came over and we went to Taco Bell and got food, we went to Wal*Mart and got cookies, we got Pandorum from Redbox, A and I watched Pandorum and D fell asleep, and then we made dumb jokes for like an hour and went home. They just make me laugh like constantly. Pretty awesome. Especially A, we always have like the same thoughts at the same time. But he always wins somehow.
Pandorum was a really weird movie. And it had a dumb ending.
I observed a whole day at an elementary school today! First grade. One of the little girls came up to me and was like, "Um... I just wanted to tell you that I think you look really cute."
I almost died from the adorable.
Tomorrow I'm probably headed up to Cedar after school with D and Ali to watch some kind of game! Speaking of school, I should probably either be studying for a test or writing an essay, but I don't really care! :D
Well, that's all I feel like writing about in here for now!
9 down, 19 to go. (Thank goodness February is short.)
And Holy FREAK They Were ALIENS!
So apparently I need to clear a few things up, as brought to light by C's message. This post is going to be full of ranting, because I need to let this all out before I go crazy or something.
A) Yes, I have a crush on W. This does not mean I am doing anything to "mess up his relationship." I haven't hung out with him in months, and when I did, his girlfriend was there. I haven't talked to him in weeks, and when I do, I always invite his girlfriend along. I would not do ANYTHING to pull him away from his girlfriend. I'm actually NOT a "desperate slut," thanks. W is still my friend and he's fun to hang out with and play Halo with. And his girlfriend is awesome, at least as far as I can tell from the times I've hung out with her. Hope that clears that up.
B) Yes, I've told C that I would be there for him if he needed me. I didn't say I would stop hating his girlfriend. I would indeed have been there for him if he needed me. Even if he needed me to help him think of ways to win her back or something, I would have helped him. I would have discouraged it, sure, but I would have helped him.
C) Just because you don't love someone doesn't mean they don't love you.
D) I'm not the only one who thinks those things about BF. I'm just the only one who put them on my blog, because I don't care who knows what I think about her. Other people have a little more tact than me when it comes to her, I guess.
E) I really don't think I should be getting the blame when it was his lies I was believing. The only reason I think those things about him is because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Don't lie, kids!
F) The dreams I have about C aren't "creepy." They're usually nightmares about him leaving me. Over and over. So yeah. That would be why I wake up crying.
G) Yeah, I'm not impulsively chasing every guy I see. Since C dumped me after lying to me for two years, I have liked:
W: explained above
A: I know he doesn't like me, so we are just good friends.
B: I was always unclear on what I felt about him, and we ended up just being great friends.
N: Ended up being bipolar and depressed, and I just didn't need that, so when he started talking to me about depressing things, I broke it off.
B's roommate: I met him the day before I got C's message so I don't even know what's going on with him yet.
That's it. Pretty sure that's not every guy I see. And it's not that I "can't get a guy to go out with" me. I've actually been on quite a few dates, thanks. It's just that none of them have ended up being people I want a relationship with, or they don't want a relationship with me. Which is PERFECTLY normal. Not everyone is lucky enough to end up with their "middle school sweetheart."
H) It's true that I used to think that she wasn't good enough for him, that she was just a manipulative bitch who was using him. But now I see that they're perfectly suited for each other. Excuse me for believing all the lies he told me and thinking he was an awesomely amazing guy.
Basically I'm just kinda pissed right now. But I hope this clears everything up for anyone who's reading this, I wouldn't want them to be under the same mistaken impressions that C was.
Also, just want to add that I have the best friends in the world, and that's way better than having some lying bastard of a boyfriend.
8 down, 20 to go.
A) Yes, I have a crush on W. This does not mean I am doing anything to "mess up his relationship." I haven't hung out with him in months, and when I did, his girlfriend was there. I haven't talked to him in weeks, and when I do, I always invite his girlfriend along. I would not do ANYTHING to pull him away from his girlfriend. I'm actually NOT a "desperate slut," thanks. W is still my friend and he's fun to hang out with and play Halo with. And his girlfriend is awesome, at least as far as I can tell from the times I've hung out with her. Hope that clears that up.
B) Yes, I've told C that I would be there for him if he needed me. I didn't say I would stop hating his girlfriend. I would indeed have been there for him if he needed me. Even if he needed me to help him think of ways to win her back or something, I would have helped him. I would have discouraged it, sure, but I would have helped him.
C) Just because you don't love someone doesn't mean they don't love you.
D) I'm not the only one who thinks those things about BF. I'm just the only one who put them on my blog, because I don't care who knows what I think about her. Other people have a little more tact than me when it comes to her, I guess.
E) I really don't think I should be getting the blame when it was his lies I was believing. The only reason I think those things about him is because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Don't lie, kids!
F) The dreams I have about C aren't "creepy." They're usually nightmares about him leaving me. Over and over. So yeah. That would be why I wake up crying.
G) Yeah, I'm not impulsively chasing every guy I see. Since C dumped me after lying to me for two years, I have liked:
W: explained above
A: I know he doesn't like me, so we are just good friends.
B: I was always unclear on what I felt about him, and we ended up just being great friends.
N: Ended up being bipolar and depressed, and I just didn't need that, so when he started talking to me about depressing things, I broke it off.
B's roommate: I met him the day before I got C's message so I don't even know what's going on with him yet.
That's it. Pretty sure that's not every guy I see. And it's not that I "can't get a guy to go out with" me. I've actually been on quite a few dates, thanks. It's just that none of them have ended up being people I want a relationship with, or they don't want a relationship with me. Which is PERFECTLY normal. Not everyone is lucky enough to end up with their "middle school sweetheart."
H) It's true that I used to think that she wasn't good enough for him, that she was just a manipulative bitch who was using him. But now I see that they're perfectly suited for each other. Excuse me for believing all the lies he told me and thinking he was an awesomely amazing guy.
Basically I'm just kinda pissed right now. But I hope this clears everything up for anyone who's reading this, I wouldn't want them to be under the same mistaken impressions that C was.
Also, just want to add that I have the best friends in the world, and that's way better than having some lying bastard of a boyfriend.
8 down, 20 to go.
You Make Breaking Hearts Look So Easy
So. C found my blog. And read it. Which I am fine with, because I just tell the truth about what I'm thinking on here. I just say what I feel. And I don't regret being honest.
He sent me a letter.
Apparently, he wasn't honest. For the whole two years we were dating. I mean, I knew there were some times he wasn't. But the entire time? Wow. He said he never loved me. He was just trying to get over BF. He didn't think he would ever have her, so he decided I was good enough.
It just hurts, to learn that two years of your life were based on a lie. And for some reason he thinks that knowing he was faking it will help me get over him faster. I don't know why he would think that. It just hurts. Like, "Ohey, I said I loved you for two years, and promised you everything, but I was lying. That makes you feel better about me breaking all those promises and your heart, right?"
Yeah, no. Sorry. I know he probably meant well..? But that doesn't make me feel better.
I just don't really know what to think right now. Half of me hates him. Half of me is mourning. Even though apparently our relationship wasn't "real" to him, it sure was to me.
Basically, ow. That just sums it up.
So I get this letter, I tell Ali, I tell D, I tell A, I tell B... basically I told everyone I could. Because it hurt. And I wanted support.
B and his roommates invited me over, so I went over to their apartment. His cute roommate that thought I was cute didn't even really know what was going on, he just knew something was wrong. And he hugged me. And kept telling me it was okay. And hugged me even though I was crying and had mascara and snot running all down my face. Probably.
So we watched my favorite Bond movie, Live and Let Die, and B and his roommates just kept reassuring me that it was okay, that "that guy" probably wasn't worth my time, and I deserved better. And it helped. I wish I hadn't had to go home, but my parents would have flipped. They thought I was at D's anyway.
It's great to have good friends. And apparently A and D both started yelling at C, ending up with them not being friends with him anymore. Which I feel kinda bad about. But it's their decision.
C did call me a slut, after all. Although D said he took it back. It still stings. I'm a slut because I liked some guys after I liked him? Because I "flung myself" at them? Well, whatever. He can think what he wants.
All I think about him is that he used to be such a nice, caring guy, but apparently that was a lie. Now I just miss the guy I thought I knew, and I feel angry and annoyed at the new (or real, I guess) him. I'm sure the great guy is somewhere, but he's hiding pretty well, at least from most of his old friends.
Transitioning from high school to real life kinda sucks. A lot.
I really do wish him the best. I want him to be happy, even if that means him being with a girl that I hate. Yes, I do hate her. I'm not going to lie about it. I've always strongly disliked her, and everything that happened with C just reinforced and strengthened that. But if he's happy, that's good.
Even if it doesn't make me happy.
So, C, if you're still reading this after all of this, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I told the truth, that I was honest in my blog. That's what I created this for. To be honest with myself and whoever else chose to read it.
I am sorry, though, that things ended the way they did. You were a fantastic friend, and a great boyfriend, even though apparently it was mostly fake. I forgive you for that, mostly. It still hurts, and I don't think anything can really change that. But I don't really blame you. Because I know how you feel about her.
Because it's the way I used to feel about you.
7 down, 21 to go.
(P.S. Happy birthday to my sister, who turned 16 today!)
