Not Lookin' For A Miracle, Just A Reason To Believe

You know what I hate?

I'm hurting. For many reasons, but one of those reasons is because C and BF are engaged. Yeah, I saw it coming. Doesn't make it hurt any less. I loved the guy for two years, and only recently found out he was lying to me the entire time.

But what I really hate is that when I tell people that it hurts me, that they're engaged, they say, "Well, you couldn't do anything about it."

Like that makes it better? I KNOW I couldn't have done anything about it. Guess what? That makes it hurt worse. It doesn't hurt because I feel like I could have done something about it. It hurts because I loved him, and I miss him, and I'm angry at him for hurting me like that, and I am so insanely jealous.

There's a part of me that just wants to curl up and die.

everything always happens at once and i don't want to have to decide anything and i don't CARE and i just want to be happy and i miss my brothers and i miss him and i wish, how i wish there was something i could do to figure out the mess in my head and i just want to be with my best friends in a happy safe place and i just want someone to help me and i don't know what to do about anything and i'm sorry

so sorry

B, K, I seriously wish I knew what was up in my head right now. Really, I do. I hate hurting you guys and I know it's just frustrating for you. It's frustrating for me too. Sorry.

Honestly I just want a magic machine where I just put in the best parts of the boys I like, and then it makes an awesome guy that is all of that. (Who likes me, of course.)

Which part of which guys would I throw in?

A: All of him. He's so funny and cute and awesome. (srsly if he would date me I would be fine, but he won't so whatever)

B: His intelligence and his jokes and his understanding and caring. (maybe that twinkle in his eyes, too)

C: All of him except the part that loves BF.

D: His best-friend-ness. (No I don't like D like that AT ALL but I want a guy who is also my best friend. Like C used to be.)

K: His hotness and his caring and the way I'm comfortable around him.

W: All of him, too. Just chuck him right in there.

And poof! The machine would spit out a guy just for me, as well as all the originals so they aren't lost. That would be very handy.

But not gonna happen. Oh well.

I just wish I knew what to do.