First dream was that Z was home and having a party. I got there, and a bunch of my friends were there. My eyes went to W, who was sitting on a footstool with his girlfriend. I ran over and said to his girl, "I'm gonna hug your boyfriend now, okay?" and she just laughed and said it was okay. So I just sat there hugging W for a while. Then randomly I went to the bathroom and took a shower. That part was weird. But when I got back, I sat next to Jonag and he just kind of put his arm around me, like a little brother would. :D It made me very happy.
Then I had a dream that I was at my aunt and uncle's house in Boise, asking them if I could stay for the concert. Randomly, there was a party going on. C and BF were there, because for some reason they lived next door. B and K and Venom lived on the other side, so they were there too. C yelled at me a little, and I yelled at him and lightly kicked him in the nuts. Then I spat at him and said, "Be glad I didn't kick harder and save the world from having to host your spawn." Then I turned and walked away. He chased me and pushed me into a wall. K and Venom grabbed him and started beating the crap out of him while B made sure I was okay. (Once he was sure I was okay, he went over and kicked C in the nuts a lot harder than I had.)
Then I woke up.
Now that I've slept and had some food, I think I'm thinking a little more clearly. I'll try and get some logical thoughts out while I still can!
There's no magical machine to make my perfect man. And really, I do like these guys a lot just how they are. I just don't know which one I like best, I guess.
Or rather, I don't know what to do because the ones I like best are not available for one reason or another, and the ones that are available and like me I can't choose between. Which isn't really fair to any of us. I just don't know what to do about it.
Plus I'm just kind of in an angry, pissed off, yet somehow still depressed mood like all the time now. Which doesn't help anything. I don't really know how to fix that either.
And it's like, because I like them in different ways, I treat them different. Like, because I'm comfortable around K, I'll hug him and let him snuggle me. But because with B it's more of a mental attraction and a physical nervousness, I won't do those same things with him. Yeah, we held hands, and I'll hug him, but... gah. I get nervous around him. Which actually makes more sense to me, because usually I'm totally skittish around guys I like.
One thing I will say though, is that I think K would have a lot easier time quitting smoking than B would. And that is a factor in my... affection, I guess. As friends, it's fine if they smoke or whatever. But if they want to be more than that, if K wants to move past snuggling, if B wants to move past talking about movies and music and books... The smoking really has got to go. I know they can do it. Both of them can, I know. It would just be a lot harder for B, I think.
I'm just typing whatever I'm thinking, by the way. As usual, even though it might get me into trouble. Nobody ever reads the whole post anyway. The boys just skim through looking for their names/letters. (if a boy really does read the whole post, say "mango" to me next time you see me, and I will give you a pop quiz and if you pass, you are the best.)
I really wish W would get online more often. He always gives me great boy-advice. I need to call him and hang out again sometime soon. -_-
Anyway, this is like the longest, most self-absorbed post I think I've ever made. So that's enough. I still didn't really figure out what I'm thinking. xD
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