I'd Make It Right If You Wanted It, I Want It Back More Than You Know

i can't keep doing this. i can't handle dreaming about him every fucking night. i wake up and i'm disappointed when i'm back to my present. this horrible half-life, stuck between waiting and trying not to wait. how am i supposed to move on with my life when my subconscious keeps dragging him to the forefront? how am i supposed to deal with the fact that i can't have him now and i don't even know if i'll get him later? how do i deal with one day at a time when every day is filled with ghosts? i miss him more than i can stand. every day gets worse instead of better. i didn't think it could get worse, but it does. every day. i'm falling further down and i don't know what to do. i don't want to cling to my friends, i don't want to drag them down with me. but they're the only things that let me forget, even for a few minutes at a time. i wish i was brave enough to show them how awful i feel inside so they would maybe realize that i need them. it just terrifies me to show them how i feel. but i need them so much. i don't know what to do.

im thelcuinar arle, im fael avaniron na.