Apparently Z hasn't been getting the letters I sent with DearElder.com. This angers me. I've gotta get my real letter sent to him.
Okay, so. I'm just gonna type whatever I think about.
After that last post, B and I stayed up talking for hours. He's fantastic. He really understands what I feel, and it's great to talk to him.
I like him. He's a great guy, a good friend, he's pretty cute, it makes me happy to hold hands with him and fall asleep next to him. I feel safe and comfortable around him.
But.
(It kills me to have to have a but, because it has exactly nothing to do with him and exactly everything to do with my messed up head. And I know it's going to make him feel bad and I HATE doing that to him, because I like him. And especially since it really has absolutely nothing to do with him.)
It feels like something is tearing me apart from the inside. I can't fall asleep until it's well into the early morning hours. When I do fall asleep I have nightmares about BF and C tormenting me. I can't make up my mind about anything. I want things I can't have. Things I can have, I don't want. Things I can have and actually do want, I get super nervous and terrified and awkward and paranoid about. I'm falling way behind in my schoolwork. I can't see my friends as much as I want. I miss having C as a friend waaaaay more than I should.
I just don't know how much of this tearing feeling I can take. I feel like my emotions, my affections, are being pulled in twelve different directions. Which I guess is kind of true. It seriously feels like my heart is being pulled apart.
Honestly, I just want to go over to D's house, curl into a ball under his covers, and not come out for a month. I want to go back to a time when everything was simple. Last summer, maybe. When it was just me and D and A hanging out and playing Tales all the time.
I guess I'm just a selfish person.
I like B. I like A. I like W. Heck, I even still like K a little. But I can't have them. A because he doesn't like me. W because he has a girlfriend. B because my brain is hung up on other guys still and I would feel like a b*tch for committing to anything serious with him while I'm still thinking about other guys. And K because... well, he's a little too much for me, and I couldn't do that to B. Because I like B more. I like B a lot. -_-
My brain just hates me. My emotions hate me. My body hates me. Karma hates me. Life hates me.
Seriously, every time I think something good is happening, one of those things f*cks it up. "oh, you like A? har har, he doesn't like you because of your relationship with C." "oh, you like W? har har, he has a girlfriend." "oh, you like B? har har, your brain is malfunctioning and making you freak out so that won't work."
I'm just so sick of it. And I hate that I have to continuously do the same thing to guys I like. "oh, sorry, my brain is a mess so i can't handle anything right now. my bad. i thought i could deal with it, but i can't. oops."
Seriously, I hate myself.
sorry
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