And Holy FREAK They Were ALIENS!

So apparently I need to clear a few things up, as brought to light by C's message. This post is going to be full of ranting, because I need to let this all out before I go crazy or something.

A) Yes, I have a crush on W. This does not mean I am doing anything to "mess up his relationship." I haven't hung out with him in months, and when I did, his girlfriend was there. I haven't talked to him in weeks, and when I do, I always invite his girlfriend along. I would not do ANYTHING to pull him away from his girlfriend. I'm actually NOT a "desperate slut," thanks. W is still my friend and he's fun to hang out with and play Halo with. And his girlfriend is awesome, at least as far as I can tell from the times I've hung out with her. Hope that clears that up.

B) Yes, I've told C that I would be there for him if he needed me. I didn't say I would stop hating his girlfriend. I would indeed have been there for him if he needed me. Even if he needed me to help him think of ways to win her back or something, I would have helped him. I would have discouraged it, sure, but I would have helped him.

C) Just because you don't love someone doesn't mean they don't love you.

D) I'm not the only one who thinks those things about BF. I'm just the only one who put them on my blog, because I don't care who knows what I think about her. Other people have a little more tact than me when it comes to her, I guess.

E) I really don't think I should be getting the blame when it was his lies I was believing. The only reason I think those things about him is because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Don't lie, kids!

F) The dreams I have about C aren't "creepy." They're usually nightmares about him leaving me. Over and over. So yeah. That would be why I wake up crying.

G) Yeah, I'm not impulsively chasing every guy I see. Since C dumped me after lying to me for two years, I have liked:

W: explained above
A: I know he doesn't like me, so we are just good friends.
B: I was always unclear on what I felt about him, and we ended up just being great friends.
N: Ended up being bipolar and depressed, and I just didn't need that, so when he started talking to me about depressing things, I broke it off.
B's roommate: I met him the day before I got C's message so I don't even know what's going on with him yet.

That's it. Pretty sure that's not every guy I see. And it's not that I "can't get a guy to go out with" me. I've actually been on quite a few dates, thanks. It's just that none of them have ended up being people I want a relationship with, or they don't want a relationship with me. Which is PERFECTLY normal. Not everyone is lucky enough to end up with their "middle school sweetheart."

H) It's true that I used to think that she wasn't good enough for him, that she was just a manipulative bitch who was using him. But now I see that they're perfectly suited for each other. Excuse me for believing all the lies he told me and thinking he was an awesomely amazing guy.

Basically I'm just kinda pissed right now. But I hope this clears everything up for anyone who's reading this, I wouldn't want them to be under the same mistaken impressions that C was.

Also, just want to add that I have the best friends in the world, and that's way better than having some lying bastard of a boyfriend.

8 down, 20 to go.

You Make Breaking Hearts Look So Easy

So. C found my blog. And read it. Which I am fine with, because I just tell the truth about what I'm thinking on here. I just say what I feel. And I don't regret being honest.

He sent me a letter.

Apparently, he wasn't honest. For the whole two years we were dating. I mean, I knew there were some times he wasn't. But the entire time? Wow. He said he never loved me. He was just trying to get over BF. He didn't think he would ever have her, so he decided I was good enough.

It just hurts, to learn that two years of your life were based on a lie. And for some reason he thinks that knowing he was faking it will help me get over him faster. I don't know why he would think that. It just hurts. Like, "Ohey, I said I loved you for two years, and promised you everything, but I was lying. That makes you feel better about me breaking all those promises and your heart, right?"

Yeah, no. Sorry. I know he probably meant well..? But that doesn't make me feel better.

I just don't really know what to think right now. Half of me hates him. Half of me is mourning. Even though apparently our relationship wasn't "real" to him, it sure was to me.

Basically, ow. That just sums it up.

So I get this letter, I tell Ali, I tell D, I tell A, I tell B... basically I told everyone I could. Because it hurt. And I wanted support.

B and his roommates invited me over, so I went over to their apartment. His cute roommate that thought I was cute didn't even really know what was going on, he just knew something was wrong. And he hugged me. And kept telling me it was okay. And hugged me even though I was crying and had mascara and snot running all down my face. Probably.

So we watched my favorite Bond movie, Live and Let Die, and B and his roommates just kept reassuring me that it was okay, that "that guy" probably wasn't worth my time, and I deserved better. And it helped. I wish I hadn't had to go home, but my parents would have flipped. They thought I was at D's anyway.

It's great to have good friends. And apparently A and D both started yelling at C, ending up with them not being friends with him anymore. Which I feel kinda bad about. But it's their decision.

C did call me a slut, after all. Although D said he took it back. It still stings. I'm a slut because I liked some guys after I liked him? Because I "flung myself" at them? Well, whatever. He can think what he wants.

All I think about him is that he used to be such a nice, caring guy, but apparently that was a lie. Now I just miss the guy I thought I knew, and I feel angry and annoyed at the new (or real, I guess) him. I'm sure the great guy is somewhere, but he's hiding pretty well, at least from most of his old friends.

Transitioning from high school to real life kinda sucks. A lot.

I really do wish him the best. I want him to be happy, even if that means him being with a girl that I hate. Yes, I do hate her. I'm not going to lie about it. I've always strongly disliked her, and everything that happened with C just reinforced and strengthened that. But if he's happy, that's good.

Even if it doesn't make me happy.

So, C, if you're still reading this after all of this, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I told the truth, that I was honest in my blog. That's what I created this for. To be honest with myself and whoever else chose to read it.

I am sorry, though, that things ended the way they did. You were a fantastic friend, and a great boyfriend, even though apparently it was mostly fake. I forgive you for that, mostly. It still hurts, and I don't think anything can really change that. But I don't really blame you. Because I know how you feel about her.

Because it's the way I used to feel about you.

7 down, 21 to go.

(P.S. Happy birthday to my sister, who turned 16 today!)

You Know I'll Always Be Around

So I've discovered the cure to my insomnia. Loud noises and people. Seriously. I fell asleep at a dance party today. Heart-thumpingly loud music, people everywhere... and I passed out in a chair. And like I always fall asleep when D and A are playing really loud video games. I think mostly it's the people factor. I feel safer and more comfortable around people, particularly D and A and them.

Hung out with Chaos and B and some of his friends/roommates. It was pretty fun, and one of his roommates seems really awesome and apparently I'm on his "list" of girls. So maybe something will happen...? Who knows.

Anyway, super tired and I have to work in like nine hours.

6 down, 22 to go.

Don't Wanna Reach For Me, Do You?

Yeah, I basically just don't know anymore. Talking to B is proving helpful though. He just gets things that most people don't. It's always nice to have someone who understands.

I don't know what it is about my brain, but for some reason I can never stop thinking about dates. Like, I think "Oh, a year ago today, C and I were doing this." And it kills.

Speaking of, I was already in a terrible mood this morning, I woke up late and didn't shower so I had a beanie on, and a huge coat, and basically looked gross. And who should I happen to run into around a corner? Yeah, C. I saw him, he saw me, we looked at each other for a split second, and then continued walking in opposite directions.

I wonder if he could see how lifeless my eyes were. I wonder if he even cared.

So of course my pulse jumps about 100 bpm, and I can't calm down for all of class. Seeing him is just... a very strange rush. Hatred, longing, attraction (even now), revulsion, pity, curiosity. All of them just jump to the front of my mind.

I wonder if he could tell I'd been crying.

5 down, 23 to go.

Oops

slipped

again

It's Getting Dark and You've Lost Your Way

I just feel like I'm slipping more every day.

The people I care about most don't seem to care about me.

They probably don't, actually.

And the people that do care about me, I don't really care about. I mean, they're friends, but not... I dunno. It just doesn't help as much. I guess it's like... you don't care if people you don't like like you. I guess. I dunno. It's confusing. My brain is weird, I guess. Yeah. See how many times I can say guess in one paragraph.

I just want to hang out with W or A or D or Jonag. Or have them randomly come to my work.

I miss Z so freakin' much. He always made sure I was okay.

Why can't one of the nice normal fun awesome guys I like even care about me enough to say hi once in a while? Even when I talk to them, they hardly respond.

I would give an arm and a leg to hug W or A for a while. Like, really. It's getting to the point where I need that so bad. Just the physical contact with someone I like... it would make me feel so much better. Maybe Saturday I'll see if I can kidnap W. Or hang with A. But I doubt it. So I'll just keep... breathing.

That's a good place to start.

I knew February was going to be bad, but I didn't expect this. It doesn't help that I've seen freaking C like every day of February so far.

"It's been almost a year, get over it." (people say things like this.)

Shut the f*ck up. A year is not long enough to get over losing someone you love. I don't know what time period IS long enough. I. Lost. Him. He's gone. He's not coming back.

He might as well have died.

Except that would have been easier to accept.

And I did love him, more than anything else, real, deep love. Even though people may say "you're too young to know what real love is." Yeah right. If it wasn't real, deep love, would I still be hurting this badly a year later? No. I don't think so.

My heart is in pieces, and I keep giving the power to fix it to people who don't want to. But I can't help myself.

4 down, 24 to go.

I Can't Face the Dark Without You

Got another letter from Z! He liked his package, and he sent me some cool pictures of him and his companions. Awesome. I miss that kid.

Basically, blah blah blah I feel blah. Seriously. I should just go to sleep for like five years or so. -_-

Three days down, 25 to go. -_-

I need someone, soon. I seriously... guh.

whatever

Where You Lead I Cannot Follow

C's birthday.

Would have been three years.

I saw him drive through the parking lot at work with BF. Either that or I hallucinated it.

Somehow the latter would not surprise me.

Sent him an email, doubt he reads it.

How can I still miss him this much after almost a year?

Stupid February.

You left a hole where my heart should be.

Fed up.

Worn out.

Sick of it.

Hurting.

Screw you.

What Do You Want From Me?

So, hanging out at D's house with him and A right now. Pretty awesome. They're playing Army of Two: 40th Day, which is pretty cool. Shoot-em-up. A keeps dying, and D keeps knifing people in the face.

Had a dream about C last night again, woke up crying, blah blah blah. I'm gonna get a hug from D (and A, if possible) before I leave, so that should make me feel better.

I sold D's scooter to a girl I work with, so he bought me lunch and he basically owes me his life twice over now. But he's still un-wingman'd.

I got a bunch of stuff in the mail today! I got another letter from Z, who is an awesome awesome guy. I think I'm gonna try and send him a package with some Hot Tamales in it for next week, 'cause he says he really misses them.

Also I got the jeans and sweater I ordered from Victoria's Secret. The jeans are fantastic, super long and awesome. The sweater is also awesome, but it's one shoulder so I have to sneak it around people for now. Once I move out I'm in the clear, though.

The last thing I got was some ear cuff things I ordered. They make it look like my ears are pierced up on top. Super cool.

A just killed a grenadier by shooting his grenades. Heh heh.

Boys are still meh, although just sitting near A is making me feel better. Even though I know I don't really have a chance with him at all. Oh well. He's still a super cool guy, and I feel better whenever I'm around my guyfriends.

They just smell good. Which is why I've been sleeping in a t-shirt of D's lately. Although apparently it doesn't keep the dreams away all the time.

Seriously that dream last night sucked. Which is why I'm still over here, instead of home like I should have been probably an hour and a half ago. I don't like going home, going to sleep all alone in my bed.

Yeah, a good hug would be nice. I really gotta get one from at least one of these guys before I leave tonight.

P.S. Mountain Dew Voltage is awesome.

Poems

Apparently I write poems.

him

temptation

rebellion

excitement
curiosity

want to know what

it

tastes like

warmth

fun

desire

wondering

want to know what

he

tastes like

yearning

missing

crying

wishing

want to

remember

what he tastes like

W
A
C

my boys

Silence

sitting alone

watching people

waiting for someone

music

drown out the quiet

clarify my thoughts

hands are distant lullabies

hate going to sleep

much too still

mind running laps

thinking of

him

him

him

alternating daily

him, him, him

everyday i dream

wish

hope

to have someone

who will help me

make

music

break the

silence

Forever

always left alone

why so many times

it doesn't hurt

what lies I tell

covering it up

letting it all out

why does no one care

can't have what I want

how hard I try

wanting a chance

pretending to be fine

why do I fall

again and again

tell you what I need

a touch, an embrace, a kiss

need a person, a boy

to care about me

for me

please someone

come for me

take me away

lift my spirits

make me smile

be mine

Do I Want This?

I don't know what I want.

I don't know if I want anything.

Well.

I do want some things.

But.

I can't have them.

So.

What do I do?

Give up.

Keep going.

Who cares.

Tired, tired, tired.

Miss you.

I'm A California Castaway

So, A has officially been told I like him, by D. And of course, he already knew. Also predictably, he sees me as a friend and nothing more.

Not really a surprise at all.

Yeah, I'm a little disappointed. I would have liked a chance. But he's still one of my best friends, and he's fun to talk to and hang out with, so I'm not really that crushed by this.

But yeah, that's that, at least for now.

More wait-and-see.

And try to meet new guys.

Hooray. -_-

Painted On My Memory

So, sitting in my super boring technology class. I seriously know like twenty thousand times more than the other people. They're like, "OMG A CHAT ROOM WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I KNOW WHO IS TALKING!?!!??!"

I'm just sitting here finishing everything and navigating the chatroom like a pro and getting annoyed at the other students. I guess it comes from being in the TeenHelp chat room all the time. I'm used to it.

Anyway, Friday was Ali's birthday, plus I got a letter from Z, and my pictures I ordered for my scrapbook! The letter from Z was awesome. He asked me to text OO and tell her that he missed her and just wanted to be home with her. It was sweet, I thought it was like he was still texting her even though he's gone. Pretty awesome. I'll probably end up writing to him like once a week because my classes are so boring and his letters are so funny. I gotta remember to send him a picture of my new hair, I forgot to stick one in the envelope last time.

Went to Vegas on Saturday with Ali, her mom, D's mom and sister, and Ali's best friend who just moved here. It was pretty awesome, I got some hot new shirts and a fedora. Then Sunday we went over to D's house and cleaned his room and stole/borrowed all his cool stuff and decorated his room with little girl pink fairy decorations. It was awesome. I'm totally wearing his Trapt shirt right now. It's way too small for him, but just right for me! :D

Anyway, work's going well, school's going boringly, and friend things... well... you know, they're going. Schedules just hardly ever match up and it gets annoying. I haven't really hung out with anyone but D and Ali in weeks. Other than B for that one movie night. I gotta get together with the Twins, but they're super busy music majors. xD

Well, that's about all for now. Just wanted to kill some time in this boring class.

Oh, and the first page of my scrapbook is going to have a quote from Linkin Park's "With You":

"Painted on my memory, even if you're not with me, I'm with you."

It just fits for how I feel about my friends.

You're Holding Something In Tonight

Okay, first of all, I don't understand girls sometimes. They just have such high expectations of their boyfriends. "Drive across town to see me for TWO SECONDS." "Respond to EVERY SINGLE TEXT." "Don't hang out with your friends who you already made plans with when you could hang out with me."

I mean, I love my girl friends to death, but they can be ridiculous about their boyfriends. But I probably just think that because I'm so laid back and whatever. I just hang out with guys so much that I understand them, so I'm more relaxed about what they do.

Basically I'd be the coolest girlfriend ever for some nerdy guy.

Speaking of, no luck with A. He's just so random and hard to talk to. I just... guh. -_-

I just really have no idea.

Melancholy.

The First Rule Is...

So, went to B's apartment tonight and watched Fight Club. AWESOME movie. Seriously. Totally crazy awesome, and I'm going to be thinking about it for days.

In boy news, I'm just frustrated and confused. I seriously feel like there are two of me sometimes: the adventurous, daring one that wants W, and the video game playing, shy, nerdy girl who wants A. Unfortunately, haven't talked to W in ages, plus there's the fact that he has a girlfriend. As for A, I'm pretty sure he knows I have a crush on him, and I'm also pretty sure that he does not return the feeling. I only say "pretty sure" and not "sure" because he sometimes does things that confuse me.

Just little things though, like joking around with me (just me) when we're at D's, or showing me videos of Kingdom Hearts stuff, or telling me how he feels like his friends don't care about him, but accepting it when I tell him I care about him. Or remembering an ongoing argument we're having.

I just don't know what he thinks, and I'm too afraid to just come right out and say "Hey A. That guyfriend I have a crush on, that I've been asking you for advice about? Yeah, that's you. I've had a crush on you since the beginning of the summer."

I don't want to lose the friendship. I don't think that I would, because we talked about that kind of thing one night, but it still scares me.

Of course, he goes for weeks at a time without talking to me anyway, so it wouldn't be much different.

Basically, A and W (ha, A&W) are just overriding everything else on my brain. I started a story about the split personality character that I use to represent myself these days, and I wrote about how the two of them like two different boys (based on A&W) for very different reasons.

I just feel like I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions. Part of me wants to move on, to like boys in college, to be more outgoing and look for boys in college. But most of me doesn't want to miss out on A&W. So I hold back from other boys, because I'm thinking about A&W.

Mostly A, lately. I've been getting closer to telling him that I like him, but I haven't been able to actually come right out and say it.

It's not that hard, I mean, to say "A, I have a crush on you." To actually say the words is easy. It's deciding to say them, finding the right moment, the best way to lead into it, the way to say it without messing up a great friendship... that's the hard part.

And he just signed in. Here goes another try.

Wish me luck.

Paper Thin Hymn ~ Anberlin

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violence become my only friends


August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
This sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violence become my only friends

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violence become my only friends

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)

These thoughts run through my head

More Red Streaks, and School Starts Tomorrow?!

More red! I like it a lot.

Also, school starts tomorrow, so I should have been in bed already.

*sigh*

Boys. Whatever. They're frustrating. I like ones that don't like me back, or have girlfriends, and the ones who like me, I like as friends. -_-

Bugger.

Set Sail

So, I got another haircut! It's soooo short, and I'm gonna put more red in it tomorrow! I love it! :D

Also, A's been talking to me a lot more, but I don't think anything's going to come of it. Oh well.

Basically, beans.

Fan-freakin'-tastic!

Okay, that title is part sarcasm and part truth. xD

Sarcasm because: C is still being dumb about the whole thing with BF, and even though SHE dumped HIM it's somehow his fault for being "neglectful." His status is some crap about how "he loves her and knows she loves him so everything will work out!" So who cares. But at least he did talk to A a little bit, so he did reach out to his old friends.

Truth because: Last night at about 11:30, I snuck out to go to D's and hang out with him and A. We played video games, me and A talked for a long time about random stuff, watched some YouTube videos, and made dumb jokes. Then I got to take a lovely nap next to A, and I woke up with my hand against his arm. So that was nice. Maybe I should... do something about that... like buck up and tell him I like him. xD But that would probably make things awkward and dumb and I don't wanna do that. xP So... who knows.

Anyway, I also upgraded to Windows 7! Pretty awesome.

Basically, I feel... blah. Just here. Balanced in the middle of emotions. Woo.

What.

She broke up with him. She dumped him. They're not together. For now. I hope it stays that way. I'm so so so worried about him. I feel so confused. I wonder what happened. I want someone to talk to him. I hope he doesn't feel alone. I'm worried. I worry about things.

I just wish W or A were here and I could curl up in their arms and cry and sleep.

I want someone to talk to him, make sure he's okay. But I don't think he's talking to anyone right now. D's going to try.

I hate her. From what I hear, she's making it sound like it was his fault. He did anything she wanted him to. Anything. She's just such a demanding bitch that he probably couldn't please her enough. I just don't know. I hate her for hurting him. She took my perfect guy, turned him into a douche, and then ditched him.

We don't know if the breakup will last. I hope so. I think it would be better for him in the long run. But I do want him to be happy. I hate thinking about him hurting, the way I was hurting.

So scared for him.

So worried.

So confused.

I just don't know what to do.

Scrapbook

These are the pictures I want to put in my scrapbook. Pictures of my best friends.

W. I took this picture, one of my favorites.

Pickle as Peter Pan.

Pickle. D: She's such a cute babby!

Cutest couple in the world right here. This is ZOO.

D and Ali. They're just so adorable!

Ali.

Kat catching a frisbee!

Kat rubbing the floor because she loves her trumpet.

Jonag and Z! I love this picture! I actually had it put as the picture on my debit card. xD

Jonag with awesome hair.

W. I really, really like this picture. It's the background on my PSP. <.<;

D and Ali. So cute! ^.^

D playing guitar.

A on a beach in California.

This is the one of the coolest pictures I've ever taken. It's A. He turned away right when I snapped it.

La la lalala la lala, la la la la la LAAAA!!! (Auld Lang Syne)

New Year's Eve was freaking AMAZING. Met up with Ali and froze our butts off for an hour while we talked to Jonah and Porter and wandered around. Then we went to In N' Out to say hi to D, and I ate some fooooood. So good.

Then! We went back to First Night and met up with W, his girlfriend, Jacob from Hawaii, and a bunch of their friends. Like Chooch and them. We danced around with them for a while, then went to find Z. Then it was only a few minutes before midnight, so we all worked our way up to the front of the stage.

Then.

Midnight! Fireworks went off, they started blasting music, we all starting moshing and running into each other, screaming, singing, yelling, shrieking... it was fantastic. Just... awesome. That's the only way to describe it.

Plus, I got to run/fall into W a couple times in the mosh pit. xD

Side note: for some reason, W's girlfriend doesn't bug me at all. Further proof to C that I didn't just hate BF because she hung out with the guy I liked.

Anyway, yeah. I bought Z's PSP! It's freaking awesome.

Also, I love pictures. Gotta get me some ink so I can print pictures for a scrapbook.

In MIRACLE news, A is talking to me again! I say "Hey A. What's up?" to him practically every day on Facebook. For the last couple months, he hasn't responded. Tonight, he randomly did. I guess that's just how he is. Random.

Also, work is fun! Making some new friends, making some new money... awesome.

As for boys, besides A talking to me again, just looking at W makes me happy. Hence the background picture on my PSP. <.<;

Anyway, I'm random. Night!

Farewell

I lied, I'm not going to write more about Christmas.

It was Z's farewell today. Basically it was awesome. I was sitting next to Friz, our Buddhist friend. It was funny to hear him singing about Jesus. Z's talk was basically awesome, especially the part where he said his mom was "like a son" to him. We all cracked up.

I can't believe he's leaving in just a week. I'm going to miss him so much. He's become one of my very best friends, and I hate to lose him for two whole years. I'll definitely write to him, though.

So the farewell party after was... interesting. C and BF were there, but I basically ignored them. She's turned him into a total douche. He was wearing a freaking Aeropostale shirt. -_-; He changed completely for her, and there's just something not right about that. I miss the old him.

Also, W was there with his girlfriend. While we were watching a movie at Z's, Jonag, W, his girlfriend, and I were all squished on the couch. So I was pressed up against W, which was nice. Then Jonag moved to the floor, so I laid down and kept my feet against W and fell asleep. Somehow when I woke up, my leg was under him with my foot held between his legs. And he was holding it there. It felt so nice. It was pretty much the best sleep I've had in weeks. Just thinking about it makes me smile. Thinking about W makes me feel better. I hope we get to hang out more.

Which we should, because Jacob from Hawaii is here! :D I always call him that. xD Because he's from Hawaii. He's one of W's best friends, and hopefully we'll all hang out while he's here.

A's still ignoring me. -_- But whatever. Guh.

Anyway, that's about it! Basically I'm gonna miss Z more than anything! Especially since like... I probably won't see C again once he's gone, because none of our other friends want to hang out with him. So that'll really suck. But rumor has it that he's going to marry BF. Which makes me want to puke or something. Ugh. Whatever.

Z, I love you, man. I'm going to miss you so so much. Do awesome in Germany!

Christmas!

Just a quick note to remind myself of everything I got for Christmas, I'll expand later because I have to sleep now.

Picture frames and mints and a bowl from Jocelyn at work, shirt and pants, desk(!), gum, Naruto bank, magnetic chess set, $15 gift card to B&N from Grandma, Swiss Cake Rolls, lightsaber styli and photo paper from D, some popcorn stuff from the twins, warm awesome slipper boots from Z, and... um... there's probably more but I'm so tired and I have to work at 7:30 tomorrow morning so I need sleep.

Also Sherlock Holmes.

Merry Christmas! :D

Guh

Hm, what's on my mind right now? Any guesses? Yeah, boys. Surprise!

W came to a "party" I had last night. He brought his girlfriend along (I had said he could) and they only stayed for a little bit and watched some Muppet Christmas Carol with me, my sisters, and my aunt. He was sitting next to me, and it's a good thing is girlfriend was RIGHT THERE or I probably would have been like, all over him. Guh. It's weird, though, I'm totally jealous of his girlfriend, but I don't hate her, and I'm not really mad at him. I don't know why. Really, I just want to curl up under some covers with W and fall asleep. That would be so nice.

Still no response from C.

I've seen A a couple times over the last little while. Dang he looks hot in a suit. He'll talk to me in person, but anytime I try to talk to him on Facebook or over text, he doesn't respond. But that's how he is. He's just so funny and good-looking. I'm pretty sure he knows I like him, and that might be why he doesn't talk to me online or texting. But whatever. I'm used to liking boys who don't like me back. :D *sarcastic smile*

Anyway, work is fun! I like the other girls I work with, and it's a pretty fun job, too. The only thing I don't like is the CONSTANT Christmas songs we listen to there. At least they stopped playing Josh Groban's version of Drummer Boy. Also, money is good to have. Although I've burned through it faster than I planned. Oh well.

Anyway, basically it's same old, same old. Me liking boys who in return either don't like me back, don't talk to me, have a girlfriend, or do like me back but don't do anything about it. Or any combination of those. Fun, fun.

Never Be The Same

Been feeling a little down lately. I sent C another message, asking if we could just talk... and got no reply. Not to mention I almost ran smack into him twice today. I just want to talk to him. Weird. I typed "you" instead of "him" at first.

Seriously though. I would give just about anything to be talking to him again. I just miss his friendship. I miss talking to him, laughing with him. I don't understand why he won't even say hi, or talk to me at all. It hurts. It hurts to think that someone who used to mean everything to you, and who used to care about you so much, could just throw that all away and not care at all. I hate it.

In other news. W. Is so confusing. He has a girlfriend. He still flirts with me. He says he loves his girlfriend and stops talking to me for a while. Flirting starts back up. I'm getting sick of it. I would love to be with him, but he's just... I dunno, messing with me or something. Heck, I'd love to just be his friend and hang out with him, but that doesn't happen either.

A hardly talks to me anymore. I don't even know.

I just don't get it. Why do these guys keep going for the slightly airheaded, controlling, demanding, complicated, weird girls? Instead of me, the smart, gorgeous, fun, relaxed, easy-to-please, totally willing to make out and cuddle, awesome girl? I really do not understand it. It makes me feel... I dunno, worthless or something.

On top of all this, both Jonag and B have been dumped by their girl people in the last week. Like really? They're great guys! They haven't done anything wrong! Jonag's girl decided she liked another guy, and B's said he was moving too fast. Can't something go right for someone?

Oh, yeah. It can. For C and BF.

Screw it.

Best Party Ever

Okay. Star Wars party. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME. We started at about eight forty five with The Phantom Menace, then Attack of the Clones, and then Clone Wars, Revenge of the Sith, A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, and finally Return of the Jedi. Seven movies. Approximately fourteen hours. A bag of Skittles, four pizzas, a bag of Doritos, numerous water bottles, and a pack of Tootsie Rolls, not to mention various other snacks. Star Wars action figures. Star Wars posters. Star Wars Legos. Star Wars video games. Lightsaber battles. Star Wars discussions.

Basically, the nerdiest day ever. And it was AWESOME. It was just me and Z for the first couple movies, then Jonag showed up, then W and his girlfriend came, and then Z's friend Stylin'. (Which is how I'm spelling his name.) At the very end OO showed up, too.

It's so much sadder to watch Darth Vader die when you've just seen his whole story. I cried a tiny bit. D:

So not only was it the best party ever, but it was fun to see W. It was weird, he kind of ignored his girlfriend a lot. Which I guess is fine with me, because if he ends up with no girlfriend I am so all over that. Which is bad of me to think. But. Ha ha. You know. Most of the guys I like end up with girlfriends, so I'm bound to think it sometime. I'm pretty sure he talked to me more than he talked to her, although that may have been because she didn't seem like a Star Wars fan. And he gave me a hug after he carried my TV back to the van for me. Yeah. HE gave ME a hug. So that was awesome. But I guess I just have to see what happens. xD AS USUAL! :D

Also, A decided to finally respond to my Facebook chat message that I always send, so maybe he's snapping out of whatever was up. I hate seeing my friends pull away from people. :/

Anyway, that's all I've got to say for now.

(Best party ever.)

Z

So, Z is awesome. This post is all for you, bro. He discovered my blog and my life hasn't been the same since. He just takes the time to hang out with me and ask me what's up and see if I'm okay. He even wrote a message to C trying to get him to snap out of his "I'm going to ignore all my friends and just hang out with BF!" phase. I've been trying to get someone else to do this for ages, and Z just did it. I hope it works, but even if it doesn't, at least we tried.

Anyway, yesterday we totally made a ton of cookies, plus cupcakes and a cake for OO. It was awesome. And we just talked about our friends and life and stuff like that. Awesome times. Plus he gave me a mix CD of some sick techno beats.

Also, ZOO is the cutest couple ever. Like seriously you guys, you make like... baby seals jealous. And those are cute. I better get an invitation to that wedding in Germany!

Basically, Z, I love you bro. You're like the awesome brotherfriend that every girl who doesn't have a brother wants to have. Thanks for being awesome.

P.S. STAR WARS PARTY SATURDAY. SO PSYCHED. :D

P.P.S. I got a job at JCPenny! :D

One Long Nightmare

I see ghosts. Not the kind that most people think of. I see ghosts of him. Lying in my bed, his hair messed up on my pillow. Sitting on my couch, laughing. At my kitchen table, bent over homework. Walking around the neighborhood. At my front door, grinning. In the mirror, just behind me. At our friend's house, just around a corner. I hear his footsteps coming up behind me, expect to feel his arms wrap around me. I hear his voice, just out of range, fading in and out all around me. I hear him singing along to my music in the car. I feel him next to me when I wake up. I can hear him breathing on the phone in between rings. I swear that when I walk out of my house, he'll be waiting. I smell him on my blanket, in my clothes, on my skin. I taste him on the tip of my tongue when I wake from dreams.

I cry because they are only ghosts.

A Party a Day Keeps the Boredom Away

Seriously, awesome parties today. And last night. Snuck out again at like midnight to go to Z's with him and Jonag and watched some That 70's Show. It was pretty awesome.

Then today I cleaned the house and stuff. After that it was time for partying! First it was to Tabby's house for her going away party. We played some video games and stuff, but I didn't really know anyone there. Then I went home and cleaned some more in preparation for Z's awesome party!

First we all met at Smith's and Scooter Squadron'd up the Boulevard to Nielsen's Frozen Custard, where A proceeded to tell us all to get out. We did, after we got our custard. Then it was back up to Smith's to get in our cars and head for Z's house. I picked up Jonag on the way. We just chillaxed for a while, waiting for people to return so we could supposedly go to Wal*Mart or something. We ended up watching even more That 70's Show (awesome) until C and BF showed up. Gah.

I mean, at least he said hi to me. But that was about it for direct conversation. A little more would have been nice. Honestly, I just wanted to ask him about Zombieland, but I guess I'm too afraid to talk to him until he talks to me first so I know he doesn't mind it. Anyway, nothing too bad (I guess).

So then we were gonna get in the hot tub after some pizza and games, but it wasn't hot. So we were all in our swimsuits just sitting around. We talked for a while and got some more incriminating pictures of the boys. Then some of the guys headed for In N' Out, and the rest of us went home. Pretty awesome party!

Can't wait for next weekend! Gonna be so full of party. ALL STAR WARS ALL DAY PARTY. Still mostly excited for that. Basically I can't wait. I even put up my Darth Vader poster in preparation. The one that's been sitting in my closet since I was like, eight. Awesome.

Basically if I continue on it'll just be ranting, so I think I'll stop here! For a summary of the ranting, read on, otherwise, just exit. Summary: I like boys. The boys I like do not return the feeling. I am lonely. THE END.

A Hat!

Yeah, wearin' a hat today. Bad hair day. xD

Well, I watched G.I. Joe today with my family and Jonag. He was bored so I went and picked him up to watch the movie with us. It was a pretty cool movie! Lots of explosions and "mayhem throughout." That's what the little ratings box said. Awesome.

Talked to Z for a long time last night, good stuff. He's a pretty cool guy. Can't wait for the parties the next couple weekends! :D

So, boys. I don't really know what I think about them right now. I mean, I love Jonag and Z and D, my bro-friends, but guys that I like... ugh. I feel like giving up sometimes, because they always end up with other girls. Totally lame. So I don't even know.

Basically... WHATEVER. xD

Tomorrow should be... interesting. November 6th. :/ Three years from the first time C and I got together. Hopefully I can just hang out with people all day and not think about it. xD

Anyway, yeah. That's about it. Laters, blog-readers!

Woo, November.

It's November. Kind of a lame month, usually. I mean, yeah, Thanksgiving and whatever. But it's just kind of a boring, cold month.

BUT THIS NOVEMBER WILL BE EPIC. LEGENDARY. Mostly because Z has a Mission Bucket List that he wants to complete before he leaves. It includes such things as the Star Wars party (totally freaking excited), and other fun activities that will be a blast. So... awesome.

Anyway, other than the parties, not much exciting going on. Except I randomly had a "look at pictures of Yami Bakura" day. Found a couple good ones, too.
Super cute.

But that's about it! These posts will get more exciting as the parties start happening. xD

I'm a Big Kid Now!

Quick update to let you guys know that I just got back from sneaking out to go to Wal*Mart with Ammon, Jonag, and Z. It was my first time ever sneaking out to go somewhere! I feel awesome, basically. They picked me up and dropped me off. Wal*Mart is weird at three in the morning.

Also! Next Saturday. We're going to Z's to watch ALL OF THE STAR WARS MOVIES IN ONE DAY. I have been waiting to do this for over a DECADE. I am SO FREAKING EXCITED it is not even funny. I am going to dress like a Jedi and everything. It's going to take from like eight in the morning to midnight. PURE AWESOME.

Anyway, my stomach is yelling at me to either eat or sleep, so I think I will sleep.

Prepare for Trouble!

So, Halloween. Basically it's the best holiday ever, other than my birthday and Christmas. I had a sweet party!

The fun started when me and Jessi went to the college football game to enter the costume contest with Pickle, Kat, and Kasey, who were dressed up as Pikachu, Ash, and Brock, respectively. We didn't win, but we think that's just 'cause the cheerleaders never watched Pokemon and they chose the winners. Then we went back home to start the party. Katrina was the first to arrive, dressed as Princess Peach. Then came Jonah, my really tall little brother from another mother. We had Jessi draw a bunch of Pokemon so we could have a scavenger hunt! We hid them all around the house.

The the party really got going. We ended up having a ton of people. Let me see if I can remember them all. Katrina, Jonah, Porter, Doug, Doug's girlfriend, Frizface, Pickle, Kat, Kasey, Chaos, Beau, Ammon, B, LeVaughn, D, Jessi, Kirsten, Celestial, and also ZOO showed up for a few minutes. It was a rocking party, basically. I think that was everyone who came. And they are all awesome!

We talked for a long time, played Catchphrase and Curses, and then Friz and Ammon went over to Z's house to watch "Drag Me to H Word" as Z called it. B and LeVaughn (B's friend) went to catch a movie, and Porter, Doug, and Doug's girlfriend left because their ride got there. The rest of us went upstairs to watch an episode of Supernatural, which was pretty funny. We would have all gone over to Z's house, but some of us are terrified of scary movies, and the rest of us didn't know Z very well.

Anyway, the party was basically a huge success with homemade doughnuts and everything. Everyone had a lot of fun, I believe!

Anyway, here are our Team Rocket costumes. More pictures will probably come later. We're going to do some kind of photo shoot.


Also, the other day I was walking along at the college, when I found this in the sidewalk:


Yeah! A stick figure man! Just in a crack in the sidewalk! Pretty awesome, huh?

Fantastic Sams

Okay, what's with that place's name? Are there many Sams? Are they all fantastic?

Anyway, yeah! I got my hair cut!

See? Don't I look cute?! Basically, I love it. And I totally messed with the contrast on that one picture. xD

Plus it'll be totally perfect for my Halloween costume. Team Rocket FTW!

Anyway, who cares about boys? <.<;

Also, Z has requested that Ky be called OO so they can be ZOO. So that works for me. xD

Hair

Whoa, I have two followers. Z and his girlfriend Ky. Unless she has a nickname she wants to go by. xD

So, I think I'm going to cut my hair short again. The only thing that's really stopping me is that nearly all of the boys I've talked to are like, "No, keep it long! It looks better long!"

Well. Here's the deal, guys. The first guy to say that to me was C. He asked me to grow my hair out after a particularly bad haircut.

I haven't cut it since.

Now I'm starting to feel like I really need to cut it. I don't even know what to do with it when it's long, I just pull it back into a ponytail all the time. So basically, I might as well cut it. And I kind of want to.

I'm just sick of all the boys being like, "NOOOOOOO!!!" like it's some terrible calamity for a girl to have short hair.

Coincidentally, A doesn't care if a girl has short hair or long. That makes it a little easier to cut it, even though he's not even interested in me anyway.

Anyway, sweet Halloween party on Saturday! I'm getting psyched!

P.S. Here are some pictures of hair so you can decide for yourself.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG HAIR IS LONG.

Short hair is short. (P.S. I look gross in this picture. xP)

Anyway, vote away. All three readers I have. xD

I Dreamed I Was Missing

Well, looks like someone else found this blog. That brings the total up to.... two. xD I've mentioned going to parties at my friend Nick's house. He has discovered this blog and would like to be called Z. Like Zorro. Or something. So that's that. He's Z now.

So, I have weird dreams all the time. Usually I wake up from them... not so happy. But whatever. Just dreams.

Um, so I think N is mad or hurt or something, because he hasn't been texting me back. So I guess I'll have to deal with that at some point. :/ I really hate hurting people, but I don't really want to be with someone that I feel is more friend material.

Still haven't won an argument against A. He was complaining that no one was coming into his work, so I said maybe I would stop in, and he said, "and I'll tell you to leave."

So I went in, ate my custard, and left. But he did not tell me to leave.

So I should have won that argument, but of course he argued his way out of it. As usual. Someday I'll win an argument against him. We're kind of having an ongoing one, where he's trying to get me to say that I hate him, but it's not going to happen.

Anyway, yeah. That's about all I've got right now. Woo!

Robots in The Guys... Er... Something.

So, we watched (made fun of) Transformers 2 last night. Basically, there was not really a plot, or at least not a good one. "Let's show off girls and robots and explosions!" "Okay!"

That's how the script was written.

Also! My aunt and I are being Jessie and James from Pokemon for Halloween. We made our costumes today. It's gonna be awesome.

I'm gonna have a Halloween party, and I invited a bunch of people, so hopefully it will be fun. Should be interesting if all the guys show up... I invited A, B, D, N, and W. So this could get interesting. xD

Anyway, I need to go to sleep soon so I can wake up for my friend's missionary farewell tomorrow.

Back to the Drawing Board

Well, things aren't really going to work out between me and N. xD We were both kind of getting the vibe that we were more just friends than anything else. I'm just glad we were on the same page.

Speaking of back to the drawing board, yeah, I totally have a crush on A. We hung out for the first time in ages the other day at our friend Nick's house, and I was just hit by it again. We stood outside talking for like two hours after the party times were over.

UNFORTUNATELY, he says he's not going to go for girls he knows anymore. I keep hoping his mind will change, but I don't think it's likely. Although Nick knows that I have a crush on him, and he thinks we'd be perfect together, so he might try and arrange something. xD But I don't know.

So I think Chaos likes B, maybe a little. xD We talked about it for a minute today, while she was here for a "party." She could tell that he kinda likes her, and she was like, "Hey, I'm a girl. I like attention. And he seems cool." So B, if you're still reading, it's looking good. :D

Basically, I'm in the same freaking position I've been in for months. WOO! As my friend Nick put it when he found out W had a girlfriend, "Man, why does this always happen to Audrey?!"

Good question. >.<

Freakin' Out

So. Let's see. Where to start? xD

Okay, so yesterday, Monday, I was all excited to see N again. He got out of class at two, so I waited around the school for him. AF was in the student lounge and he came over to me. "huhuh i thot u wer hanging w/N today??!lol" (that's how he talks, in my head.) I was like, "Yeah, he's on his way over here." "u laek him?11lol" I rolled my eyes so he couldn't see and nodded a little. "wll thts cuul. huhuh."

So N texts me and is like, "Sorry, ran home to shower. On my way over." AF wanders over again soon after and says, "huhuh, N was in DA SHOWA. huhuh!1!1lol!!" ... "Yes... I know this..." "o. uh. hiihuh."

Then he went and complimented some girl's shoes. o_O

Anyway, so N finally gets to the cafe, and he had to buy AF food, because AF is a mooch. We sat there and ate, and then AF had class or something, and N and I went for an "adventure." The adventure was supposed to be driving around town getting job applications. Instead it ended up being "sit at Flying J for an hour and a half filling out an application that will be instantly rejected."

Following that, we were going to go back to his apartment for something a little more enjoyable, like a game. But of course it is right then that my sister calls and needs a ride home from volleyball. So basically he just dropped me off at my car, and we didn't even hug. BUT. He did give me cookies and fudge that he brought from home. I LOVE fudge.

So then today we got to hang out all day, at least after class and when I wasn't helping D with some homework. We ate at the cafe, messed around on his computer, watched T.V. with his roommate, and then... hm. First kiss time. xD

Well. While we were thus occupied, AF comes and knocks on the door. I should probably mention that AF is hooking up with a girl N hates. They had been by earlier in the day, and N had just ignored the knocking. Well, we ignored it this time too, but AF and girlsidekick come in through the bathroom which is connected to another apartment. Like, they just walk right in. And stand there. Staring at us. While I gather up my things and get ready to go to my night class. Talk about awkward and SUPER annoying. I think the girl was giggling, too. xP

Anyway, besides the whole SUPER RUDE AND ANNOYING interruption, today was pretty great! I did all that with N, and also helped D with some homework he had. Bros before hoes applies to female bros too. xD

A is giving up on girls (supposedly) and just wants to retire and live in his bed for the rest of his life. I think he'll probably get over it.

B is doing good, mostly. xD Apparently he's now reading this, so I'll have to be careful of what I say about him. He's such a nerd. :P (JK, B.) Anyway, we went to a movie, and Chaos came, and so far it is looking good, so I will try and get them at some parties and stuff soon. (run-on sentence much?)

C. Gah. I keep dreaming about him, which sucks. Mostly the dreams are just me not being able to talk to him, or him being like... in pain. Not really fun. ._.

D is doing good with Ali, and they're so cute together. xD

W is good with his girl, too, I guess. So that's good. He's a funny kid.

Anyway, I should sleep soon. Hahahaha. Yeah.

Grinning Like an Idiot

Basically, N and I have been texting all day the last couple days. He's so cute! And romantic! AND. He likes Phantom. <3 Plus. He made me cookies while he was at home. I won't see him until Monday, and I'm a little nervous about what will happen then, but I'm excited, too! Pretty much I'm still spazzing out in my head. I keep dancing all over the place. I'm trying to hide it from my family, but it's kinda hard when I'm grinning like an idiot and blushing. He called me gorgeous! :D xD

Yeah, spazzing. xD

In other news, A is having fun in Cali, it sounds like, so that's good. Maybe we'll hang when he gets back.

Also, might go see a movie tomorrow with B and Chaos, maybe a couple other friends. Still trying to hook them up. xD

Anyway. N. Awesome. xD

Butterflies

Okay, if you've been reading up to now, this post is going to come out of nowhere. Kinda came out of nowhere for me, too.

Okay, so. D's best friend T lives in the dorms on campus. I've known T since middle school, but we've never really been friends. So one day I'm sitting in the school cafe, eating lunch with D, when T and his roommate N join us. Almost immediately I was like, "Wow, who's the hottie with T?" We all ate lunch together, then walked back to T and N's apartment and hung out for a few minutes. Few days later, D tells me that N wants my number. I was kinda like, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!" and D goes, "I didn't think you would think he was cute."

Anyway, so I kinda saw him a couple more times, eating with T, but we didn't ever really talk. Then, yesterday, I was eating with D when N and his Annoying Friend come in. They sat at the table next to us, and when D had to go to class, they invited me to sit with them. We talked for a while and ended up hanging out the whole day. I was flirting with N the whole time, and pretty much ignoring AF. We had a pillow fight. It was a blast.

It gets to be time for me to go to my night class, and AF goes, "Let's all exchange numbers!" So we did. Now, I wanted to give my number to N, but not so much AF. But he got it. He ended up calling me twice that night, and leaving a voice mail (all ignored). Anyway, I talked to N on Facebook that night, and he tells me how annoyed he was with AF, and we decide to hang out without AF. Flirting all the while, of course.

So today, I went to lunch with D, and then N texts me and invites me over. Of course, I go over. We played some games on the computer, and talked for a long time. Then he had to go to auto and I had to go to a ballroom lab.

Then! After his auto class he was leaving to go home for the weekend, to Mesquite. So at about eleven he texts me and says "Wow the stars look amazing here" (!!!) So I say, "Lucky, I love looking at the stars."

"Me to. Maybe one night we could get some blankets and go look at the stars."

Basically, I was freaking out in nervous excitement. We flirted more, we talked about how D and T want us to hook up and how that wouldn't be such a bad idea, we talked about how T thought we were making out today and how we don't want to disappoint him...

Unfortunately, he doesn't get back from Mesquite until Sunday night, so I won't see him until Monday. But I'm sure we'll be texting.

Really, the butterflies in my stomach are on something, because they are spazzing. Nervous excitement is fun.

As for the other boys, A is bummed because his best friend is leaving for a couple weeks. Might FINALLY get to hang out with him, if he's not being a punk. He's going to Cali this weekend though, so not for a while at least.

W. Man, he's so helpful. I never realized it until last night. He's always pushing me to do things I'm afraid of, or to do things he knows will help. He can be a bit of a d-bag about it, but I realize now that it's for my own good. He said that he's tried to help a lot of shy people like me, but I'm the only one he can stand to hang out with because I actually get it. So that's good. I also used the word pissy when I was talking to him. (Always fun.)

Gonna try and have a party (maybe bowling?) to hook up B and Chaos on Saturday, after B gets back from Vegas. Although I might postpone it until N gets back. That would be fun. :D

Pretty much, I feel so much happier than I did just days ago. Yay!

It's Not Healthy, It's What Makes You Right

I'm so sick of not talking to C. It kills me, seeing him almost every day, and him not talking to me. I want to tell him about Zombieland, which was an awesome movie I know he would love. I want to play video games with him. I want to talk to him. That's all. I just want to be friends again. I hate not talking to him. I hate it. I miss him.

I've been talking to A more, but mostly about the girl he likes, which is weird. He says she doesn't really want a boyfriend, but I think he's trying to change her mind. It's hard to talk to him about it when really I just want to be like, "Dude. I have a crush on you. I'm totally available." But I don't, because I'm like, 90% sure he doesn't think about me like that.

W is being weird, as usual. I don't even know what his deal is. Whatever.

Still trying to get B and Chaos to hang out, but my sisters have been sick this week, so I couldn't have a party. Now I think I'm sick, so I still can't have a party.

Life sucks sometimes.

Sore Throat

I think I'm getting sick, which sucks. Also, I'm getting a little sick of boys. I mean, I love them and all, but jeez. I don't even know.

A might be getting a girlfriend soon. It's weird to talk to him about it, but whatever. I'm getting used to it.

I mean, it's not like any of the guys I like like me anyway.

Da-da-da-da-da.

Okay, so I forgot to tell you that B asked about Chaos, if she was single. xD I told him she was, and I'm going to try and set them up without being obvious to her. So that should be fun, I'll probably have a party.

W is... gah, I don't even know. Haven't talked to him in a couple days. We'll see.

A is still being stubborn and kinda depressed. I wish he'd hang out with me, but I guess he never has time.

Anyway, blah. Gr. Rawr. Angry noises. Frustrated noises. Confused noises.

That is all.

Okay, Seriously, What's the Deal?

Okay. I'm 5'11", skinny, gorgeous, smart, funny, nice, I play video games, I put up with a lot of stuff most girls wouldn't, I'm totally laid back. So why in the world am I sitting at home alone on a Friday night? Oh yeah, because I'm cripplingly shy. And for some reason, the guys I like either like another girl more than me, or they just like me as a friend. Yeah, sure, there are guys who like me, but they're not the ones that I like. So... what? I'm doing something wrong, to make the guys I like not like me? I'm not as good as some other girl? Some other girl who will boss guys around and make them do all kinds of stupid stuff, and control them, and not play games with them, and not give them any free time, and take over their freaking lives? WTF is up with that?!

Just.

Gah.

Whatever.

Screw it. I'll just sit at home with my family, looking totally gorgeous because I thought I might get to hang out with someone.

Secretly, I'll be hoping someone will call or text or MSN me and tell me to hang out. But it's doubful. W's at a birthday party, D's at work, B's up north, and A was maybe going to a movie with someone. Ali's at work, The Twins are going to some kind of play or something.

And I'm just the loser sitting at home.

Braincake.

So, here's the deal. When I'm totally in a state of confusion, I call it braincake. It's like every thing or person that I think about is one of the ingredients. Like, the thing/person I think about most is the flour, than the sugar, and whatever, down to pinches of salt.

Right now, the flour and sugar are A and W. A I just don't know about. He seems depressed or something, and he might go up north for a couple weeks. I think he's having family issues. And he doesn't really want to talk about it, so I don't really know what's going on, or if I can help. I haven't hung out with him in ages, but he's always busy.

W. Oh man, I don't know where to start. I don't even know what to say. Gah. He's the flour right now. Just starting to think about him makes my head go "bleehhh..." because that's the noise it makes when it's overloaded.

Gah, I gotta go to bed. I have three tests and two classes tomorrow. And I'm starting to get a headache, and all I really want to do is cuddle up with W (right now) and go to sleep. But instead I have to sleep all alone in my cold bed and have nightmares. woo.

Dear Agony

Guys. I am taking a break from my regularly scheduled ranting-about-guys to tell you about Breaking Benjamin's new album, Dear Agony.

It. Is. AMAZING.

I love it.

<3

What Lies Beneath is a great song. Well, they're all great songs.

(In rant-about-guy land, A is having some kind of issues, but doesn't want to talk. W and I might hang out on Wednesday. B wants to be hooked up with Chaos.)

Go listen to Dear Agony. I'm serious.

Truth or Dare

So, let's see. Friday night, went over to my friend Nick's house for a party. A was there, so that was good, but so were C and BF. Before the party, A wasn't sure he wanted to go because he thinks everyone hates him. I told him nobody hates him, and he should come to the party. He ended up coming, and I stuck pretty close to him the whole night, since he was my closest friend there. We made fun of C and BF, because they were all over each other. It was pathetic.

Keeping in mind that C doesn't want to talk to me, I basically avoided him all night. I was dying to talk to him, but he made it pretty clear that he doesn't want me being friends with him. There were a couple times when he might have been going to say something to me, but I wasn't looking at him and he didn't. I wish he had. I miss talking to him so much. He's a fun guy.

Anyway, I guess A is interested in a couple different girls, but none of them are interested in him. I know how he feels, I guess. I'd like to talk to him more about it, especially tonight 'cause he says he's having a bad night, but he said he's not in a mood to talk. So I leave him alone. I don't want to be pushy.

Now. W. Gah. From the way we talk to each other, and the way he's been wanting to hang out with me more, you would think he would just dump his 'girlfriend' and ask me out. Maybe it'll happen soon. He says he likes the girl, but that there are some things he's just not sure about. Basically he's a hormone crazy teenage boy. Surprise! We played a game of Truth or Dare over MSN today, so I got to ask him some things I'd wanted to. Apparently he talks more to me than the girl. So we'll see how that works out, I guess. I really do like him. He came over yesterday to play Halo, and it makes me feel good just to be near him.

Anyway, that's about it for right now. Basically I'm still wishing I could talk to people more. Guess I'll talk to D when he gets on tonight. Yay for best friends! Even though he has tons of homework and stuff, we still talk pretty much every day. He's a great guy. And he's so happy with Ali, it's so cute. :D

People Are Confusing.

Okay, updates.

B- Last night he confessed that he was starting to really like me. I panicked for a minute, and asked A what I should say. He told me to just be straightforward and tell him the truth, which I was planning on doing anyway, but it helped to have someone else tell me to do it too. I told B that I didn't feel the same way about him, that I was still having some boy issues. He said he was kind of expecting that, and we're still friends. So that's one weight lifted off of me. In its place are several more! :D

W- Is basically the most confusing guy ever. We've been talking a lot more, and we want to do stuff together, but he has a "girlfriend." He told me that they're basically just "together" because she sent the relationship request on Facebook, and he didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying no. He came over to my house today, and we played games and stuff. I just... I don't know what I feel about him, exactly. I'm attracted to him, definitely, but I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Or if I'll like where it goes.

A- Probably still my #1 choice, if it were possible. But I'm pretty darn sure he doesn't feel like that toward me at all. I may be one of his best friends, but I'm still just "one of the guys." Just wish I had a chance.

C- Ugh, I keep seeing him everywhere. ._.

D- Basically one of the best friends ever. He helps me out a lot, usually. Sometimes he can get a little high off his relationship with Ali, but that's okay with me.

W got me some CDs of new music! :D I'm excited, I've wanted more new music for a while. So as soon as my iTunes finishes updating, we'll see what I've got! Should be pretty good stuff. Music is basically one of my favorite things in the world.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of right now. Surprise! It's mostly boys. xP

Guhblughrgb. Boys.

Basically, I'll just give you updates on whichever boys are on my mind. And maybe occasionally some other stuff.

A- Apparently I'm one of his best friends right now. Which makes me feel awesome, but it also means that he talks to me about a girl he has a crush on, but who doesn't return the feeling. Which is a little weird, since I have a crush on him. But I'm really glad he thinks of me as such a good friend, and that we're talking a lot more.

W- ... Okay, I don't even know where to start. There's obviously a mutual attraction, but he's quite the player. He's got a "girlfriend," but apparently they're not "steady dating or anything." I kinda thought that's what a girlfriend was... Basically, he's confusing as heck. But dang is he hot. xD

Anyway... Went and visited A at work today. He works at a frozen custard place, and I wanted custard after my night class. He said he was bored enough to die, because they were pretty much dead.

Yeah, basically that's it for now. My brain is a lovely place. >.<

Lovely Weather!

So, today. D locked his keys in his car, so I had to drive him home and back for his spare. xD He bought me Wendy's, so we're even. He's really sick and had been napping in his truck, and he forgot to grab his keys when he got out. Anyway, I hope he's sleeping off that cold right now.

Then later, I was talking to W and A on Facebook. Just talking to W about whatever, and about how I'm really shy and can't talk to guys. He logged off in the middle of a conversation, but that's normal for him... not that it's not annoying.

Talking to A... apparently the girl he has a crush on does not return his feelings, and now she and her friends are acting like they hate him. Which isn't very mature at all, but from what I gather she's still in high school, so I guess it makes sense. Anyway, it was kind of weird to talk to him about it, because I have a crush on him, but I know he doesn't return the feeling. It's just weird. I'm fine just being his friend, but I'd like a chance. ._.

Went to a movie tonight with B and my friend Chaos. I'd really like to hook them up, because I think they'd be great together. Funny movie, too. Inglorious Basterds. Kinda gory, but more funny than anything.

So basically, this is my brain: boysboysboyscookiesboysboysschoolboysboysboys.

Yeah.

Short Texts Can Make a Big Difference

So last night after I saw that W was "in a relationship," I was in kind of a bad mood. D was still at work so I couldn't talk to him about it, and I was too nervous to text A. Basically, talking to A, D, or C (if he would) is the only thing that makes me feel better when I'm feeling down. I texted D anyway, and then saw that A was on Facebook, so I sent him a message like, "Hey, what's up?"

But he signed off.

Now, I was a little sick of people doing that to me, and I know A's been feeling like none of his friends care lately. So I sent him a text.

"Hey A, what's up? Go ahead and ignore this too, if you want, but just remember I'm still your friend, or at least trying to be. :P"

And he replied, "sorry, not in the mood to talk."

"Okay, just wanted to make sure you know I'm your friend. Night, then."

And I didn't expect a reply to that, since he had said he wasn't in the mood to talk, I figured he would just go to bed.

But then I got a text that said, "i do, night."

And just that tiny, short text cheered me up, because I hadn't been expecting it from him. He's usually very distant, doesn't talk to people much unless he wants to.

So I cheered up and went to bed.

Anyway, home from visiting cousins now, and I should sleep soon, since I have school in the morning. xP

D-bag.

So, W is Facebook-officially in a relationship now. With the girl he'd been talking to and whatever. Basically, I'm like, cool, whatever. So I say, "Congratulations on your changed relationship status."

And he signs off.

Jeez, guys. People can't be friends once you're in a relationship?

Whatever.

Just whatever.

Opposite Day

So basically, I am a backwards person. In many ways. D ranked the guys in our group from hottest to least hot (he was number 2), and my ranking was exactly backwards of that. Ali pointed out that most girls start out liking bad boys and move to nice ones, and I first liked a bunch of nice ones and now like a bad boy. When happy things like parties happen, I feel down. It's just weird. I have strange reactions to a lot of things. Like right now, I'm at my cousin's house with family members I love, but I feel sad.

Mostly because I can't talk to my boys. Not talking to people, especially boys I like, makes me feel depressed. Which is not exactly a good thing. So I'll try and talk to them soon, but A didn't answer my texts and W hasn't been online since Thursday. Well, he's probably been online, but WoWing. His subscription runs out soon. He wanted to get to level 80 before it did.

Anyway, speaking of WoW, "Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?" is a HILARIOUS video on YouTube. Go look it up. :D

I'll have to send it to W. xD

Cousin's House!

So, my aunt and I decided to randomly take a trip to visit my cousin, her husband, and their baby. Very spontaneously! My first road trip! Well, besides a day trip to Vegas with D and Ali. Anyway, so I am now at my cousin's house instead of hanging out with any boys. I could have had a date with B yesterday, or possibly hung out with W last night or today, but I decided a break might be nice. xD

My cousin's baby is so cute! She's ten months old, just learning to talk and walk. She likes to eat cheesy bunnies!

But, as usual, my mind is stuck on boys. xP I think A is having a rough time, because all of his friends are either in school or leaving on missions, so he can hardly ever hang out with people. I'm trying to talk to and text him more, so he knows he has friends. But yeah, that's him.

Can't get W out of my head! Well, can't get any of them out of my head, but W especially all the sudden. Probably 'cause we started talking again. He is very... attractive. But kind of a player. so we'll see what happens with that. I gotta get some CDs from him, he was going to burn them for me. Probably next week sometime.

Basically it's just those two right now. Thinking about two of them is enough for me, so I try not to think about the other ones. xD

As a side note, I got six hours of sleep last night. Woo me.

W

I guess I should explain that I started talking to W again, and he's not being so much of a jerk. I realized I did not inform this blog of that fact. xD

Dilemmas. Hahaha.

Yeah, that word doesn't even mean anything anymore. xD

Basically, I don't know what to do on the boy front. I'm most attracted in general to A, most physically attracted to W, and B I think I just like as a friend. But I don't know how to tell B that, and I don't really know what to do about A, because I don't think he likes me like that, and with W... well, he's just a master of mixed signals. Although he did say I was attractive. Basically I guess I'll just try to hang out with them when I can, try and feel it out some more.

A's not liking me may have been influenced by D, who doesn't think it's a good idea for friends to date. Thanks, bro. No wonder A revoked your bro privileges. :P (If you're reading this, D, I'm just kidding and I love you, man.)

With W, it's just like... I think we're both pretty physically attracted to each other, and maybe more than that, but we can't hardly ever hang out. Which is lame.

As for B... like, he's nice and funny, but I just don't feel a spark. I feel more like I'm hanging out with a new friend than a potential crush, even. But I don't know how to tell him that. I guess I'll just be honest with him at some point, tell him I'm still really interested in some guys I already knew, and that I'd love to be friends with him. Because I think that's mostly what it is, that I'm just already attracted to W and A.

Woo anxiety. xD Really, right now I would basically trade something very valuable for a hug/cuddle from W or A. I just feel so much calmer when I'm with guys I care about and trust. Which is why I try and hang out with D so much, because I feel calmer. Not as calm as when I'm with a guy I have a crush on, but still calmer. I guess I just love physical contact, and I don't get that much of it.

Maybe W can hang out tomorrow, and we can play some Halo and hug or something. >.< That would be nice.

And maybe I'll hang out with A soon, try and cheer him up. He's awesome.

Basically, my brain is focused on boys right now. I'm not even going to start on C or J. xD

Real Quick Before Bed

Okay, so today was much happening on the boy front. Hung out with W and some other friends. Now, W teases me all the time about... well, things. But I think he has a girlfriend, or at least a girl he is interested in and talking to. So I don't know. But he's fun to hang out with and fun to talk to. So I'll just go with it.

The other thing that happened was I talked to A, pretty much let him know that I would be interested in him. He let me know that he's not interested, without saying it outright. I'm okay with that, because we're still friends, and hey, maybe he'll change his mind. We might hang out next week, and I'm going to start texting him more because I think he's lonely. All of his friends are in school and he's not, so there are rarely times when he can hang out with people.

Anyway, the only other really interesting thing today was I drank a Mountain Dew for the first time. One of those Voltage ones. Boy was I hyper. W still schooled me in air hockey and foosball, though. >.<