In boy news, I'm just frustrated and confused. I seriously feel like there are two of me sometimes: the adventurous, daring one that wants W, and the video game playing, shy, nerdy girl who wants A. Unfortunately, haven't talked to W in ages, plus there's the fact that he has a girlfriend. As for A, I'm pretty sure he knows I have a crush on him, and I'm also pretty sure that he does not return the feeling. I only say "pretty sure" and not "sure" because he sometimes does things that confuse me.
Just little things though, like joking around with me (just me) when we're at D's, or showing me videos of Kingdom Hearts stuff, or telling me how he feels like his friends don't care about him, but accepting it when I tell him I care about him. Or remembering an ongoing argument we're having.
I just don't know what he thinks, and I'm too afraid to just come right out and say "Hey A. That guyfriend I have a crush on, that I've been asking you for advice about? Yeah, that's you. I've had a crush on you since the beginning of the summer."
I don't want to lose the friendship. I don't think that I would, because we talked about that kind of thing one night, but it still scares me.
Of course, he goes for weeks at a time without talking to me anyway, so it wouldn't be much different.
Basically, A and W (ha, A&W) are just overriding everything else on my brain. I started a story about the split personality character that I use to represent myself these days, and I wrote about how the two of them like two different boys (based on A&W) for very different reasons.
I just feel like I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions. Part of me wants to move on, to like boys in college, to be more outgoing and look for boys in college. But most of me doesn't want to miss out on A&W. So I hold back from other boys, because I'm thinking about A&W.
Mostly A, lately. I've been getting closer to telling him that I like him, but I haven't been able to actually come right out and say it.
It's not that hard, I mean, to say "A, I have a crush on you." To actually say the words is easy. It's deciding to say them, finding the right moment, the best way to lead into it, the way to say it without messing up a great friendship... that's the hard part.
And he just signed in. Here goes another try.
Wish me luck.
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