It's Getting Dark and You've Lost Your Way

I just feel like I'm slipping more every day.

The people I care about most don't seem to care about me.

They probably don't, actually.

And the people that do care about me, I don't really care about. I mean, they're friends, but not... I dunno. It just doesn't help as much. I guess it's like... you don't care if people you don't like like you. I guess. I dunno. It's confusing. My brain is weird, I guess. Yeah. See how many times I can say guess in one paragraph.

I just want to hang out with W or A or D or Jonag. Or have them randomly come to my work.

I miss Z so freakin' much. He always made sure I was okay.

Why can't one of the nice normal fun awesome guys I like even care about me enough to say hi once in a while? Even when I talk to them, they hardly respond.

I would give an arm and a leg to hug W or A for a while. Like, really. It's getting to the point where I need that so bad. Just the physical contact with someone I like... it would make me feel so much better. Maybe Saturday I'll see if I can kidnap W. Or hang with A. But I doubt it. So I'll just keep... breathing.

That's a good place to start.

I knew February was going to be bad, but I didn't expect this. It doesn't help that I've seen freaking C like every day of February so far.

"It's been almost a year, get over it." (people say things like this.)

Shut the f*ck up. A year is not long enough to get over losing someone you love. I don't know what time period IS long enough. I. Lost. Him. He's gone. He's not coming back.

He might as well have died.

Except that would have been easier to accept.

And I did love him, more than anything else, real, deep love. Even though people may say "you're too young to know what real love is." Yeah right. If it wasn't real, deep love, would I still be hurting this badly a year later? No. I don't think so.

My heart is in pieces, and I keep giving the power to fix it to people who don't want to. But I can't help myself.

4 down, 24 to go.