Once A Skeptic, Now A Critic, And You Figured You Finally Found A Place Of Your Own

So today was actually pretty fantastic! :D

Last night after I wrote that last post, B and I talked for a long time. He's fantastic to talk to, because I can tell that he actually cares. Instead of being like, "ohey it's two in the morning i need sleep sorry" he said "i won't go to bed until you do." Seriously that meant so much to me when I was feeling down like that.

So then this morning, I woke up and watched Chuck, went to class, and then started planning for a mini-party! I really really needed to hang out with some people after last night, so I invited B, K, Venom, Ali, and Chaos over. I invited Jonag, D, and A too, but they couldn't make it. Neither could Frisbie.

We played Killer Bunnies first, and that took FOREVER. Seriously it was the longest game of Killer Bunnies ever. Then we played Quelf!

Now. In Quelf, there are a bunch of different cards you get based on which spot you land on after a dice roll. (Go! Diceroll!) Then you have to do whatever the card says. One of the yellow cards goes something like this:

"Get a pencil. Pretend it is mistletoe and hold it over another player's head. If they do not kiss you, you must both pay the penalty."

I kept my eye on this card, as I was in charge of the cards. My little sister drew it first and didn't want to do it, so I took it from her and slipped it back on top of the pile. Then Chaos got it and also didn't want to do it, so I put it back on top of the pile. Neither my sister or Chaos had read it aloud, so the rest of the table was unaware of this. xD

The next person to get it was B. Everyone kind of spazzed out for a minute, and K started telling B that he couldn't back out of it. So he came around and held the pencil over my head and was like, "Oh, look at that. Mistletoe."

Of course the first thing into my head was a Harry Potter quote: "Oh, well it's probably full of Nargles."

Then he kissed me. A good kiss too, on the lips, and not just a peck. Chaos and Ali later told me that it had looked "serious, almost passionate."

Let me say that it sure felt serious and almost passionate. xD Pretty sure he had been waiting for that for a while.

Let me also say that it was pretty fantastic. :D I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the game. Granted, I was also a little nervous and could barely make eye contact with him for a while after that, but that's just how I am. xD

Probably there will be more of this kissing at a later date. Also probably, I will enjoy it. As far as I can tell, anyway. :D

After all that, we played Catchphrase for a while, then went for a little walk. Then the boys all left and Ali, Chaos and I ended up going to get frozen custard and try to pester A into signing a letter for Z. He's incredibly stubborn though, and refused to sign it. What a punk.

Then we came back to my house and gossiped about boys and C/BF for a while. It's so nice to be friends with Chaos again. She's seriously a different person now that she's not friends with BF. And it's awesome to have her back as a friend.

So I am feeling much better tonight than I did last night. :D For a multitude of reasons, but I think everyone can guess which reason is making me smile the most. xD

P.S. Just for fun: http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f278/katietiedrich/comic146.png

That comic is courtesy of my internet Pokemon friend Alex. xD

Help Me, I'm Out Of Breath Again

Very recently, I'm talking within the last five minutes, I was hit with a wave of intense longing. I miss my brothers, my best friends. I miss Z, and Jonag, and Kyle, and D, and A, and W. I miss them so much that it causes me physical pain. I need to see some of them again, soon. Hopefully D tomorrow. The rest of them, who knows. Z, not at least for two years. Kyle, not until at least May. Jonag, no idea. A, probably not for a while, since he's not talking to me still. W, probably whenever a) I work up the nerve to call him and b) he actually has free time.

Hanging out with B today was great, don't get me wrong. He's an awesome guy. I just haven't seen my best friends in what feels like an eternity.

oh god i miss them so much i think i might cry

What the heck is wrong with my emotions? I spent the last two and a half hours hanging out with a great guy that I have a crush on, at least an hour of that spent in his arms. And yet I am still sitting here suddenly depressed out of my mind. It's not his fault, that's for sure. If anything it's my fault, for being so ridiculously messed up.

I need them. I need my guyfriends desperately, but I am too shy, too afraid to do anything about it. I can't pick up the phone, call one of them up, and say "hey, I need to talk." I worry that they'll be asleep, they'll be busy, they won't want to talk to me. I feel like I can't even turn to the people I need most right now.

I feel like my brain is broken.

sorry

I Wanna Live To Tell The Tale

Well! xD

To begin with, I saw the twins today! That was nice, I haven't hung out with them in a while! Pickley Babby told me about her boyperson, and we talked about stuff! It was pretty sweet.

Then I went over to B's apartment, and hung out with him and K and Venom for a while. We watched a movie, then I drove K to try and find his shirt. He couldn't find it, so we went back to the apartment. He found another shirt and I took him to work.

Home for dinna time, then I had to drive my sister to some tiny child's birthday party.

Then it was back to B's! (I just now realized that I use a lot of exclamation points!) We watched a few episodes of Futurama, and B held my hand again. :D Then we went to Wendar's (Wendy's) so they could get some eats. Then it was back to B's.

Venom mysteriously stayed outside when we got back to the apartment. I still don't have any idea where he was. xD

B and I sat inside and talked about stuff and held hands some more. Pretty much we both like each other, and he's going to quit smoking, and we'll see where things go!

When I had to leave, we had a pretty awesome hug. He called it "life-changing." I just felt... safe. Warm and safe. Like I knew that we were both just happy to be there, just hugging. Like... "someone really does care about me enough to just hug me."

So we'll see how this ends up, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. :D

I do feel a little... like, worried or something about K, because I know he likes me a lot. And I do like him too, but I think things with B will work out better (plus I think I just like B more). I think (hope) K will be okay. He's a great guy. But I'm just a worrier.

I feel better tonight. More relaxed. Which means I should probably be getting to bed, since I have class in less than seven hours. :D

Hooray insomnia! :D

Can I Take You Home?

Had two semi-lucid dreams this morning. They say the best time to have lucid dreams is right after you wake up, and that's when it was.

First dream was that Z was home and having a party. I got there, and a bunch of my friends were there. My eyes went to W, who was sitting on a footstool with his girlfriend. I ran over and said to his girl, "I'm gonna hug your boyfriend now, okay?" and she just laughed and said it was okay. So I just sat there hugging W for a while. Then randomly I went to the bathroom and took a shower. That part was weird. But when I got back, I sat next to Jonag and he just kind of put his arm around me, like a little brother would. :D It made me very happy.

Then I had a dream that I was at my aunt and uncle's house in Boise, asking them if I could stay for the concert. Randomly, there was a party going on. C and BF were there, because for some reason they lived next door. B and K and Venom lived on the other side, so they were there too. C yelled at me a little, and I yelled at him and lightly kicked him in the nuts. Then I spat at him and said, "Be glad I didn't kick harder and save the world from having to host your spawn." Then I turned and walked away. He chased me and pushed me into a wall. K and Venom grabbed him and started beating the crap out of him while B made sure I was okay. (Once he was sure I was okay, he went over and kicked C in the nuts a lot harder than I had.)

Then I woke up.

Now that I've slept and had some food, I think I'm thinking a little more clearly. I'll try and get some logical thoughts out while I still can!

There's no magical machine to make my perfect man. And really, I do like these guys a lot just how they are. I just don't know which one I like best, I guess.

Or rather, I don't know what to do because the ones I like best are not available for one reason or another, and the ones that are available and like me I can't choose between. Which isn't really fair to any of us. I just don't know what to do about it.

Plus I'm just kind of in an angry, pissed off, yet somehow still depressed mood like all the time now. Which doesn't help anything. I don't really know how to fix that either.

And it's like, because I like them in different ways, I treat them different. Like, because I'm comfortable around K, I'll hug him and let him snuggle me. But because with B it's more of a mental attraction and a physical nervousness, I won't do those same things with him. Yeah, we held hands, and I'll hug him, but... gah. I get nervous around him. Which actually makes more sense to me, because usually I'm totally skittish around guys I like.

One thing I will say though, is that I think K would have a lot easier time quitting smoking than B would. And that is a factor in my... affection, I guess. As friends, it's fine if they smoke or whatever. But if they want to be more than that, if K wants to move past snuggling, if B wants to move past talking about movies and music and books... The smoking really has got to go. I know they can do it. Both of them can, I know. It would just be a lot harder for B, I think.

I'm just typing whatever I'm thinking, by the way. As usual, even though it might get me into trouble. Nobody ever reads the whole post anyway. The boys just skim through looking for their names/letters. (if a boy really does read the whole post, say "mango" to me next time you see me, and I will give you a pop quiz and if you pass, you are the best.)

I really wish W would get online more often. He always gives me great boy-advice. I need to call him and hang out again sometime soon. -_-

Anyway, this is like the longest, most self-absorbed post I think I've ever made. So that's enough. I still didn't really figure out what I'm thinking. xD

Not Lookin' For A Miracle, Just A Reason To Believe

You know what I hate?

I'm hurting. For many reasons, but one of those reasons is because C and BF are engaged. Yeah, I saw it coming. Doesn't make it hurt any less. I loved the guy for two years, and only recently found out he was lying to me the entire time.

But what I really hate is that when I tell people that it hurts me, that they're engaged, they say, "Well, you couldn't do anything about it."

Like that makes it better? I KNOW I couldn't have done anything about it. Guess what? That makes it hurt worse. It doesn't hurt because I feel like I could have done something about it. It hurts because I loved him, and I miss him, and I'm angry at him for hurting me like that, and I am so insanely jealous.

There's a part of me that just wants to curl up and die.

everything always happens at once and i don't want to have to decide anything and i don't CARE and i just want to be happy and i miss my brothers and i miss him and i wish, how i wish there was something i could do to figure out the mess in my head and i just want to be with my best friends in a happy safe place and i just want someone to help me and i don't know what to do about anything and i'm sorry

so sorry

B, K, I seriously wish I knew what was up in my head right now. Really, I do. I hate hurting you guys and I know it's just frustrating for you. It's frustrating for me too. Sorry.

Honestly I just want a magic machine where I just put in the best parts of the boys I like, and then it makes an awesome guy that is all of that. (Who likes me, of course.)

Which part of which guys would I throw in?

A: All of him. He's so funny and cute and awesome. (srsly if he would date me I would be fine, but he won't so whatever)

B: His intelligence and his jokes and his understanding and caring. (maybe that twinkle in his eyes, too)

C: All of him except the part that loves BF.

D: His best-friend-ness. (No I don't like D like that AT ALL but I want a guy who is also my best friend. Like C used to be.)

K: His hotness and his caring and the way I'm comfortable around him.

W: All of him, too. Just chuck him right in there.

And poof! The machine would spit out a guy just for me, as well as all the originals so they aren't lost. That would be very handy.

But not gonna happen. Oh well.

I just wish I knew what to do.

Broken Hearts Like Promises

my chest is hurting again.

i just feel so messed up.

where are you?

Forget Our Memories, Forget Our Possibilities

They're engaged. C and BF.

I knew it. I mean, I saw them ring shopping the other day. But still... ugh.

Yeah, spirals.

I gotta get to work.

FML.

Never Wanna Say (What You Mean To Me)

Today was fun. Hung out with Ali and D for a while, and K, B, and Venom came over to D's and watched part of a movie. Then those guys left, and D had to go do homework. Ali and I went to the mall and ended up chilling with some friends of ours that work at the eyeglasses store.

D joined us, we went and got food, then went back to his house. K called and asked me to come over, so I watched a bit of a movie with D and Ali and then stole one of D's sweatshirts and went over to B's.

There, we watched The Simpsons. K was laying on the floor with his arms wrapped around my legs, and B was sitting next to me with our knees touching.

AND.

B almost held hands with me. xD I think he probably would have ended up going for it, but I had to leave. Good news: he's getting braver. Bad news: he's still smoking. Good news: he's working on quitting. Bad news: I don't know how well that's going.

I guess we'll just have to see!

Also, it feels like K and B are competing over me (which I think they are, a little) and that just makes me... uneasy. I don't want any of us getting hurt. Gotta tread cautiously.

Anyway, I gotta get to bed. I get(have) to observe a full day at a middle school tomorrow. Woo. Have to be there at 8:00 a.m. -__________- Lame.

Therefore, grood night.

I'm Scared, I'm Not Prepared

I really need to sleep.

Boynews? I like K. K likes me. I like B. I think B likes me, but he's afraid.

Who do I like more? Funny you should ask.

The answer? I don't know. I like K physically, mostly. He is a really nice guy, but... I dunno. He's a hot guy, but I'm not really... ugh. My brain is trying to shut down. I have such a hard time just saying what I feel.

B, I like mentally. Possibly more than that, too... Just, you know. The smoking. He's trying to quit!

Venom's girlfriend broke up with him out of nowhere, and he's really confused as to why. I think most of us are pretty confused about it. So Venom's not in a good mood at all. But basically it means that the apartment is a hive of scum and villainy. Oh wait, that's Mos Eisley Spaceport.

Basically my brain is a screwed up mess, as usual. I really need to go to sleep so I can wake up and write a five page paper.

(Yeah that's probably not happening. Now I understand why they say to look for slipping grades as a sign of depression. It just took a little while to kick in.)

Swear words.

I'm Not Okay

sorry

so sorry

Daylight Dies, Black Out The Sky

I should really be careful what I wish for. I was reading IT today, and I was supposed to go to work at two. I was texting B about the book, and said I wished I didn't have to go to work so I could stay home and read.

Ten minutes later, I threw up. Guess who called in sick to work!

Yeah me. xD I would rather have NOT puked and gone to work. I hate throwing up more than anything in the world. But I got to stay home and read and take a nap and watch Chuck.

So I'm talking to Ali about boys. -___- I just never know what to think. I like B, I like K, I like A (a lot), I like W (but I KNOW he's taken), and of course MIXED up into that is still missing C. Yeah, I know. He's a doucheface. But that doesn't stop me from missing the guy I thought he was. Missing the companionship. Missing my best friend.

With B, he's great to talk to. We talk about books and movies and all kinds of stuff. And he's pretty cute. But the smoking is just like... blech. As friends, I'm okay with it (although I still wish my smoker friends would quit, it's so bad for you). But if he keeps smoking, friends is all it's gonna be. Which I guess is okay with me? Because he's a great friend.

As for K, he's really... comforting. He likes to hug me, and he's always asking if I'm okay. And that's really nice. But actually talking to him doesn't really happen much. Plus, you know, he smokes too. -_- So I guess friends with him too!

This time of the year + this time of the month + stress + thinking too much = not a happy Audrey.

At this moment, right now, this very second, what I want more than anything is for W or A to be here, in my room, holding me. Even just a hug. One arm around me while we play Halo or watch a movie. Holding my hand while we talk. Heck, even just sitting next to me.

That's my wish right now.

Too bad my wishes only come true if they involve me vomiting.

I guess B or K would work for that wish too. Though not quite as much as W or A. I don't really know why? Maybe because I've known them longer, maybe because they don't smoke, maybe because I like them more. I don't know why my brain thinks what it does, why my heart feels what it does. All I know is that I think things and feel things and want things, and they rarely happen.

i didn't think it was possible to miss someone this much, after this long, after all the stuff he's done

Now Is Not The Time To

FINALLY got to hang out with Ali and D. Ali and I watched Ponyo, played Killer Bunnies, and ate pizza. Then D came over, we played more Killer Bunnies, played Quelf, and went and got some Wendy's. Then Ali went home and D and I played Tales! :D :D :D :D We beat a boss monster. Awesome.

I realize that in that last post I didn't use code names for people. I'm not changing it. xD Although I will probably continue with the code names in future posts. The code names just didn't flow with that post.

Venom gave me a back massage last night (after he gave K one and before he gave B one). It was so fantastic. I didn't want to move afterward.

As for those guys, pretty sure I'd enjoy hanging out with them a lot more if they didn't smoke. I mean, they're nice guys and they're fun, but I just... I dunno. I worry about them. Smoking is so bad for you. :\

I think I need to go to sleep for like fifteen years or so. That would be nice.

Not being coherent is fun.

Hazy Now, This Fog Just Follows Me Around

i don't know

i just

don't

know

i miss

dylan

nick

willis

andy

katrina

jonah

sleeping

eating

feeling okay

understanding things

talking to people

andy

having a best friend

playing games

dylan

going for walks

thinking someone would do anything for me

nick

listening to trapt

eating breakfast

remembering things

feeling loved

having someone to listen

saying hi to someone and having them say hi back

caring

watching tv or a movie and holding someone's hand

willis

not being afraid

having a future

feeling safe

not having nightmares

loving someone

i still miss

him

and it hurts more now

Sound The Alarms And Break All The Levers

What a day.

I am so hungry.

Time for sleep?

Maybe.

Hung out at B's. Schooled K at Halo. Laid down on the couch next to B.

Here is the deal. B needs to quit smoking. I don't like the smell, I certainly would not like the taste. Plus it is seriously bad for you. K and Venom need to quit too, actually. It is so bad. bad bad bad.

Until/unless B quits, anything more than what happened tonight -- ain't gonna happen. If/when he does? Perhaps. Per-haps.

My brain is a merry go round of awful.

i miss ______ (possibilities: endless)

spill my words

Waking Up To Find You've Gone

why are some days so much harder than others?

it feels like i'm on a horrible slide, spiraling further and farther down into darkness.

why does it hurt so much?

Insomnia + Pokemon = Crap, There's School Tomorrow

Oops! :D

Please Let Me Stay Caught In Your Way

Work was so crazy today. -_- Crazy customers, not enough people working... ugh.

I did get to hang out with B for like an hour tonight though! We talked about a bunch of stuff, it was fun. And very nice. :D

I am SERIOUSLY so excited for Pokémon SoulSilver tomorrow. I am such a huge nerd. I am literally geeking out over all of the info I can find on the internet right now.

I NEEDZ MAH POKÉMANZ, YO.

Yeah, I'm also exhausted. Just btw. Maybe bedtime.

After a little more Pokémon. :D

Everyone's Screamin', "You're Never Gonna Get There"

gwaaaaaa

So I couldn't fall asleep until like four in the morning last night. I figured I could sleep in until noon thirty since I didn't work until two. But I woke up at ten. Then I kept trying to get back to sleep, but my mom texted me and made me bring her lunch.

After I did that, I went home and ate and showered and went to work. -_- Work was crazy. We're shorthanded because of spring break, and then half of the people who are here are working on inventory stuff. So I was alone at the registers AND I had to do the fitting rooms. I got slammed. But a couple more people came in, and we got it all done.

Then I came home, and me and my mom went and bought Ponyo. Awesome. That movie is hilarious. Especially when you watch it with the subtitles. They do the subtitles for the Japanese version, so it differs from what they actually say. Pretty awesome.

Also awesome: Talking to B. xD We are some good friends. My plan is to let anything evolve from that. (Like a Pokemon.) Because that is the way that usually works best for me, I think. We'll probably hang out tomorrow when he gets back from Salt Lake! :O Fun times!

Not awesome: D wasn't supposed to work today, so we could have played Ves, but he got called in. Grrrr.

Awesome: Ali will be back tomorrow! :D

Awesome too: sleepytime.

No Need To Hide Anything Anymore, Can't Return to Who I Was Before

Well. So. xD Um.

Watched Chuck today, gave K a ride to work, played Harry Potter with my aunt, and then went to Applebee's to eat with K when he got off work. We talked for a while, and, well, he realized something that I guess I hadn't really realized myself. Or he helped me realize it, I suppose.

Um. Man, I'm nervous to write about this. xD

Well, K was asking me questions, trying to figure out why I don't *like* him, I guess. So he asked if he was attractive, and I said something like, "Well yeah, you're attractive and nice and outgoing, but I'm weird. I'm more attracted to shy, nerdy guys... like B."

He was a little taken aback, and was like, "What?! Seriously?! You could have said any name, why..." and then he stopped and his eyes got really wide.

Now, I was biting my fingers, 'cause I do that when I'm nervous. So he grabbed my hands and made me stop.

"You have feelings for B that you're not telling anyone about, don't you?!"

I'm sure I was bright red by this point. I stuttered some protests, but I was thinking about it, and... well it kind of made sense. I keep his Facebook chat window open all the time, even when he's offline. The only other person on that exclusive list is A. Plus I always look forward to talking to him. And... there was that dream last night. (shifty eyes face that blogger won't let me do)

Anyway, point is, I think I have a little bit of a crush on B. My plan for now is to go slow. D: (oh gosh i'm so nervous typing this) Maybe go on some dates. Try to get him to quit smoking, or at least cut back. xD

Slow slow slow. I don't want to mess it up. But like I told B back when I told him we should just be friends, I usually fall for guys I'm friends with. xD And well. Slow should work. B and I are both kind of shy. xD (seriously my heart is pounding so nervous)

(well, and see, there's more proof. I'm actually feeling nervous. xD)

Now, this does not mean in any way that I don't still have crushes on A&W. But A has made it explicitly clear that he doesn't return the feelings in the least, and W has a girlfriend. And if I have crushes on all three of them and two of them are unavailable, I think I should probably go with the available one. xD Just maybe.

Plus he talks to me more than A, W, and K put together. xD And when I say talk, I mean really talk about things. Intelligent conversation. Hooray!

(seriously my fingers are shaking) (why does it make me so nervous?)

I don't want him to be hurt if this is another false-alarm-Audrey-maybe-liking-a-guy. Which is why I need to go slow. So I can make sure of my feelings before anything too serious happens.

So anyway, yeah. That's going around in my head right now. Hahahahaha. I'm going to be awake forever! :D

I love insomnia. (sarcasm)

(and yeah, B is going to read this. probably that's why I'm so nervous. ahaha)

He Sees What's Beneath Her Skin, Sees To Her Soul

Well. That was an interesting dream. :3

And for once, I'm not going to tell you blog readers about it. It's for me to know and maybe a few lucky people to find out. xD

I need to write something in code here so I don't forget it. Go ahead and try to translate it if you want to know what I dreamed.

Op na fsien, gus tuni sietup, c't gedi xet siemma dmuti vu nopi. Ji teof vu ni, "Zua lpux, op nuwoit, xjip qiuqmi jewi vjios gedit vjot dmuti, vjia iovjis lott us hiv opvissaqvif." Xi xeovif e nopavi, epf xjip pu upi opvissaqvif at, xi lottif. O xuli aq xupfisoph og ov jef siemma jeqqipif, cideati vjev tuapft moli tunivjoph c xuamf siemma tea. Ov xet e wisa huuf fsien. :3

Yeah, that's all in code. Awesome fact: I used to speak and write that code fluently. :D Now it's a little more difficult, but I got it. xD

Anyway, I'm hoping D gets back from Vegas soon-ish! Or at least not too late tonight. We really need to beat Ves. And it would be awesome if A could come too.

Oh! One of my friends from elementary is going to be here this weekend! :D Hopefully we can hang out!

Well, signing out. Good luck with that code. :3

I Confess, I'm Always Afraid, Always Ashamed, of What's Inside My Head

So today. Woke up at like noon thirty, ate some breaky, went to work. For eight hours. D: Well it was closer to seven, we got out of there pretty fast, but still. Right before I left for work, D texted me and was like "hey what are you doing today?" and I told him I worked all day and he was like, "dang, I wanted to beat tales."

Yeah, I was at work when I could have been with my best friend in the whole world, playing an awesome video game. D: Oh well. Money for car. And concert.

Anyway, apparently D went to Vegas since nobody could hang out. Hopefully he'll be back early enough tomorrow that we can still have time to beat Ves. It's been close to a year since we started playing it. xD

Talked to B some more tonight, he's so hilarious. Talked to K some too, about how we should probably just be friends. :\

I really hate having to tell guys that. But like... I dunno. After the panic attack the other night after we hung out and kissed, it would probably be best if we didn't do that kind of thing anymore. Not to mention that I like B more than him anyway. <.<

Played some more Oblivion, that game is so awesome. But I accidentally saved over one of my files. -____-

I can't wait for Sunday! Pokemon SoulSilver and HeartGold. Awesome. I preordered SS and my sister preordered HG. Gonna be so fantastic.

Also, don't think about Wookie sex. >.<

And REALLY don't think about Jabba the Hutt sex. xP

Thanks, B. :P

Hold Me, Whatever Lies Beyond This Mourning

Fun fact: Since I've started using lyrics as my blog titles, I can't start writing the post until I have a title, and I only take titles from whatever song I'm currently listening to. Thus writing posts may not happen for a while after I open a "new post" page. (The exception to this rule is this fun fact, I wrote it while the post didn't have a title. And it bugged my OCD more with each word. D:)

Okay. I had to wait through three songs before I found a good title. xD This title comes from a longer section of Simple and Clean which goes, "Hold me, whatever lies beyond this mourning is a little later on. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all, nothing's like before."

Anyway. Basically today was just cleaning my room, playing a little Oblivion, and working. Boring.

Talked to B for a little bit though! That's always fun. He's great to talk to. I think I maybe cheered him up a little, too. (hopefully)

Tomorrow's gonna be lame, I work for eight hours.

Hopefully Thursday I can hang out with D. I miss that kid! D:

Z left for Germany today! I got another letter with his new address and some awesome pictures of him using Force lightning. He had me send OO another text, and she told me that he called her while he was at the airport! Awesome. I'm glad he got to talk to her one more time before he had to leave.

Anyway, blah. My head is still a mess. Maybe someday I'll get used to it.

It's Getting Worse You Say, It Comes As No Surprise

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

that's the noise my brain is making

i just don't know what the heck to think

D asked A why he doesn't like me

"i just don't, idk"

i kissed K today

i don't really know

how i feel about that

except scared

D is back from montana

i didn't know

he and A were hanging out

i could have been there if i had known

i feel like shit

great

Pain So Familiar And Close To The Heart

This is my 100th blog post! How crazy!

Talked to K for a while today, I'm still not sure what I think about him. My brain is just so... overloaded right now that I don't know what to think. And you know. I usually like shy, nerdy, book-reading, game-playing, movie-watching, smart guys that I've known for a while. K is really outgoing and energetic, and I don't know if I could handle that. Plus I've only known him a month. So that's all nice and confusing.

This week is going to be... hard. I miss my friends already.

A, W, B, K. That's the order these days, I think. Notice that I just think, I don't know. xD

Z leaves for Germany on Tuesday. So crazy. I miss him a ton. I keep wanting to just text him something, and then I remember I can't. It sucks. OO and I might team up to pay for some of the postage to him, though. xD

I miss a lot of people. Including (especially) some that I shouldn't. Oh well.

I'm in a terribly blah mood, as usual. I need something... fun and exciting. I just need to make it to May. Concert. Yeah.

<('o'<) (7'o')7 (>'o')>

Kirby dance party for all of you readers who made it all the way to post 100. It's been a crazy few months, and it's probably just going to get crazier. The joys of life.

Search For The Answers I Knew All Along

UPDATE: I bought my ticket! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

SO EXCITED YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

IT NEEDS TO BE MAY TOMORROW.

OR NOW.

NOW WOULD BE GOOD.

So so so so so so excited. D:

I Can't Rely On Myself

hm.

I bought a new memory card for my PSP, so it could hold more of my music. Since my iPod is only 2 gigs and doesn't cut it anymore. So hooray for PSP.

This next week is going to be hell, I think. I work every day but Sunday and Thursday, and nearly all of my friends are out of town or are otherwise busy. Fantastic spring break, let me tell you.

Oh well. I need the money from work. Car. Concert. Car. Concert. Car.

That's my mantra.

And Pokemon SoulSilver, on the 14th.

But that's it. No more money spend.

I need to buy my ticket for Breaking Benjamin. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I don't want to plan this whole thing and then not get a ticket.

Yeah I'm doing that now.

Come And Take My Breath Away, Look Me Straight In The Face

I bought a bunch of cute new clothes at work today.

Watched Kenny Passion Stardust open his call, he's going to Johannesburg, South Africa! Awesome. He'll be preachin' the word from atop an elephant.

Hung out with B and Venom for a bit.

Went to Denny's with some of my friends from work. They're fun people!

In a really bad mood for some reason! Weird, because it was a pretty good day. Oh well. Not much different from normal. xD

And I Can See You Starting To Break

Kind of a weird day! Went to class, that was pretty boring, then came home and my whole family was home so we went to get a movie, and I remembered I had to go see Macbeth.

Then on my way to Macbeth, I remembered that the psych test I kinda spaced was ending! So I ran and took that before the play started, and made it to my seat just in time.

The play was pretty cool, they set it in Civil War Tiemz. Shakespeare + Southern Accent = even harder to understand. And Lady Macbeth didn't seem crazy enough. But it was really good, they all did a great job! Especially my friend Gabby!

Then I went over to B's place, but he was asleep, and I hung out with K some more. He's a really nice guy, and he's funny, but I'm still just getting... nothing. It's weird. Oh well.

I should go to bed tonight. Yeah. I'll probably get a letter from Z tomorrow! :D Plus my friend Kenny Passion Stardust got his mission call, and I'm gonna go watch him open it when I get off work! Awesome.

Anyway, good night, people who actually read my blog. You're my favorite!

This Crowded Bar Is Full Of Sin

Had a bad start to the morning, but the rest of the day was pretty good! I wrote my paper, went to class and turned it in, and then went to take a quick nap in between classes. I had about an hour to sleep. I passed out on a couch in the student center, like hardcore passed out. I woke up and was afraid that it had been like three hours and I would be late for everything, but I looked at my phone and it was exactly time to go to class! :D

Then I came home, bantered with A on Facebook for a bit, and went to work. Work was slow and boring, and I had to wear an apron that said "Bra Fit Specialist" (pretty cool, not gonna lie.) Then my friend Jocelyn came in and we talked for a while! Then I was offffffff work!

I called W as soon as I was off, like he told me to yesterday. He had some homework to do, but he said he'd call me when he was done and he and his girlfriend might hang out with me!

Then I went home and had a new DVD of Chuck from Netflix, so I watched that and ate pizza! THEN W CALLED ME. :D It always makes me so happy when he calls. He asked if it was cool for him and his girl to come over, and I said of course! So they came over and we played Halo. W schooled me, as usual. We only had two controllers, so his girlfriend didn't play, but next time we'll all play (because W will remember to bring more controllers. xD)

Basically it was a good day. For the most part! EXCEPT. I saw C and BF THREE FREAKING TIMES TODAY. D:

I was walking with OO across campus, and we passed them. BF said hi to OO, because they're kind of friends? And OO said hi back, and then we walked further and I was like, "That's why I don't usually walk this way!" and we laughed about it.

Then they were like, twenty steps ahead of me when I was walking to my car.

THEN. D: I was driving, and pulled up to a light, making a right turn. There was a stream of cars coming, so I just chilled for a minute and was looking out my window. WHEN WHO SHOULD PULL UP NEXT TO ME BUT... yeah it was C and BF. BF and I made awkward eye contact for like two seconds, then looked away quickly. I didn't look back.

I hate it when they pop up like that. It makes my heart start racing. Like one of those freaky monster movies. BOO!

Anyway, that was basically my day today! Hanging out with W was awesome, although I wish we had some time to talk, like really talk. I don't want to take away from his girlfriend, but I really like talking to him. He makes me feel better.

Also I wrote another letter to Z, bringing this week's total to two. xD He's gonna be happy, I think! :D I miss him a ton.

D was in Pocatello this morning, which is where I lived when I was 3-6 years old! Awesome.

Anyway, my head is still a messed up place, but today made me feel a little better. So that's good, I s'pose!

Rip My Heart Out Of My Chest, Goin' Nowhere Fast

I figured it out, I think. Why I'm physically "comfortable" around K, but I don't know anything else.

I'm numb. I realized tonight that I literally cannot register any feelings when he touches me. I'm sure the same would be true for just about any guy, so it's not his fault.

I feel like I'm just watching my life on TV. Nothing is registering internally.

I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong.

It's not like I DON'T want him touching me, but I don't particularly WANT it, either. Numb. It just doesn't feel like anything. Like it's happening to someone else.

I'm really messed up.

You're Always On My Mind

Okay. Here's the deal. There are only a few things I know for certain about boys right now:

I have a major crush on A, physically, emotionally, mentally, all of that. Huge crush. But he's my friend first, and I'm not going to do anything to mess that up. But I jump at any chance to hang out with him, and I would do a backflip if I thought it would get me a date with him.

When I'm feeling sad and lonely and down, my brain first goes to D and Z, then to W. And since Z is on his mission and D just left for Montana for like a week, W is the one that's here.

As for my feelings on W, I like him a lot. Like a *lot*. But I know that he has a girlfriend. I KNOW. And I don't want to mess that up for him. Which is why K had to force me to call W today when I was feeling down. I didn't want to bug him, and I don't want his girlfriend thinking there's something going on. Because there's not. We might hang out and play Halo sometime this week, but that's all. I just need someone to talk to, and with D and Z gone, my options are limited.

I want to kick C in the nuts a little bit.

I like B intellectually. He's smart and funny. I don't know about anything else though.

Those are the only honest and true facts that are sure in my head right now. Everything else is a jumbled MESS.

And the things that I want? That I want the most?

I want to hang out with my brothers.

I want to go on a date with A. (Is it that much to ask?)

I want to hang out with W.

I want to kick C in the nuts.

I want to move out.

Those are the things that I want the very most right now. Hopefully the hanging out with W will happen very soon, like tomorrow or Friday. Calling him today made me feel loads better. He said he was glad I called, and that he was sorry he's busy so often. And he said to call him when I have time to hang out this week so we can play Halo and watch dumb movies.

I think he was surprised to learn that he's the one I turn to when I can't get D or Z. Talking to him just always makes me feel better, I guess. Because we're always just honest.

For some reason I don't feel nearly as comfortable talking to my female friends. I don't know why.

As for K, I have absolutely no idea what I think or feel about him right now. I know he likes me (I have to hit him to get him to keep his hands to himself), but I don't know what my reaction to that is. My brain is so overloaded right now that probably like three months from now I'll be like, "Man, it was really nice to hang out with him." and by then it won't even matter.

I hope that makes it a little clearer for people? Not that really all that many people read this, but still. It helped me to get it all written down, at least!

And now to go clean the bathroom. Then I think I need to play some video games. It's been a while.

(Hide In Your Eyes) Dancing In The Bright Lights

Had lunch with D today. We went to Wendy's. Pretty awesome. On the way there he was like, "You don't like Mongolian BBQ, do you?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because that's where A wants to go."

"Dude. Here is the deal. Anywhere A wants to go is a place I want to be."

Sometimes guys just don't get it. xD But I got to see A for a few minutes! Tried really hard not to stare, but I don't know if I succeeded. A is my friend first and foremost, but he does happen to be a friend that I am incredibly attracted to. xD

Still feeling anxious and weird, though. Same ol', same ol'.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. My brain feels a little bit fried. I don't know why. Oh well.

You're Building Me Up Just To Break Me Down

When I'm like this, totally freaking out for no reason, anxious and somehow terrified, the only thing that comes to mind is how much I just want to hear W say "It's otay" or A say "stop freaking out and start being awesome."

I hate this pressure.

Spring Blossoms You To Me

GUYS.

FEBRUARY HAS BEEN OVER FOR AN HOUR AND EIGHTEEN MINUTES.

HOORAY!!!!!!

:D

Time to start over, methinks.