So, K and I have decided just to be friends for now. I'm just... *sigh*
I don't even know. I want guys I can't have, and guys I can have, I usually end up just being like.... meh. Or something like that. Being friends.
Honestly, I probably most likely would totally date B if he didn't smoke so freakin' much. Srs. <.<
xD
And of course I would jump at the chance to date A. Like, I would jump through a flaming hoop. Of fire. And redundancy. And sharks, even. Maybe even... MORAY EELS! D:
Yeah, that's how much I would like to date him. I would face moray eels and the Monopoly Man, but I can't just be like, "Hey A, date me." That's even scarier! D:
Basically, I'm back at freakin' square one, but... WHATEVER. xP
Only like three and a half more hours of February! :D :D
Music
Do You Still Hear Him, Calling In The Air Tonight?
Went over to B's and hung out with those guys again. xD We finished watching Pulp Fiction, which was an awesome movie. Then B and Venom went to bed, and me and K stayed up talking for a while. This is what I learned about him:
His middle name is Wesley.
He has two brothers that are younger than him.
He wants to be a pilot.
He likes FPS games.
His parents moved around a lot when he was a kid, but his favorite place they lived was Kentucky.
If he had a superpower, it would be the one from Jumper.
So I am getting to know him more. I'm still not entirely sure how I think/feel about him. I know he's cute and nice and funny, and I like him... but I don't know more than that yet. Still gotta force myself to go slow. Slow slow slow. >.<
Jonag came and visited me at work yesterday! It made me so happy, I love it when people visit me at work. And I hadn't seen Jonag in forever because he'd been in Hawaii.
So I was late getting back from B's last night, and apparently my dad noticed. So he asked me when I got home and I told the truth because I figured if he was asking he already knew. The only punishment was he hit me on the head with an envelope and reminded me of the curfew. Really I think they just don't want me sleeping over anywhere anymore, so as long as I come home I think I'm okay.
No work today, so I have to go to church. I'll probably just go sit in the lobby and zone out or something. I would just not go, but my mom wants a report so she knows I'm not lying. Boring.
Hopes and goals for this week:
Hang out more with K, maybe a date?
Hang out with D and A.
Talk to W (unlikely).
Sleep more.
Eat more.
Get all my homework done.
Do some laundry.
Play video games.
Do fun things!
It's the last day of February! Hooray! Next up: March. Then April. THEN MAY!!!! :D :D :D :D :D YAY!!!!
I love May.
His middle name is Wesley.
He has two brothers that are younger than him.
He wants to be a pilot.
He likes FPS games.
His parents moved around a lot when he was a kid, but his favorite place they lived was Kentucky.
If he had a superpower, it would be the one from Jumper.
So I am getting to know him more. I'm still not entirely sure how I think/feel about him. I know he's cute and nice and funny, and I like him... but I don't know more than that yet. Still gotta force myself to go slow. Slow slow slow. >.<
Jonag came and visited me at work yesterday! It made me so happy, I love it when people visit me at work. And I hadn't seen Jonag in forever because he'd been in Hawaii.
So I was late getting back from B's last night, and apparently my dad noticed. So he asked me when I got home and I told the truth because I figured if he was asking he already knew. The only punishment was he hit me on the head with an envelope and reminded me of the curfew. Really I think they just don't want me sleeping over anywhere anymore, so as long as I come home I think I'm okay.
No work today, so I have to go to church. I'll probably just go sit in the lobby and zone out or something. I would just not go, but my mom wants a report so she knows I'm not lying. Boring.
Hopes and goals for this week:
Hang out more with K, maybe a date?
Hang out with D and A.
Talk to W (unlikely).
Sleep more.
Eat more.
Get all my homework done.
Do some laundry.
Play video games.
Do fun things!
It's the last day of February! Hooray! Next up: March. Then April. THEN MAY!!!! :D :D :D :D :D YAY!!!!
I love May.
If You Feel So Walked On, So Painful, So Pissed Off
Hung out with K, B, and Venom some more! It was fun, we watched South Park and talked about Harry Potter. K also invited me to go on a double date sometime, but he doesn't know when yet. xD So that should be pretty awesome.
C's brother was hurt at school today. They were playing flag football in P.E. and C's brother and another kid smacked their heads together while going for an interception. C's brother started having a seizure and puking, so my little sister took control and was like, "You call 911, you go for help, you stay with [C's brother], and I'll help the other kid." She did a really good job, but it freaked her out.
I'm worried too. I mean, for two years the kid was like MY brother, because I was so close to C's family. But now I can't even really find out how he's doing, because C would freak out if I contacted his family at all. So I have to wait for news to come through the grapevine to my sister. Nerve-wracking. I just hope he's okay, getting hit in the head and then having a seizure are not good things. At all.
So I'm worried about that, but I'm also happy from hanging out with K. It was very nice. He smells good. I'm still... well, physically I'm comfortable, he's just warm and huggy and comforting. And he's funny and nice, so I like that. I'm just... well. Messed up in the emotional department a little. I have to remember to go slow. Slow. Which is just hard because physically I'm comfortable. Which is weird, I usually get nervous and start shaking when I hug a new guy. xD W called me a "bunny rabbit, because you shake when you're nervous but if I hold you tight you calm down." I guess that's a good description.
Basically, I have no idea. Like, seriously, I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling half the time. I just need to be careful and go with it, I guess.
I am so timid. "I guess. Well. I'm still... I just hope." <- Words of a timid, anxious person.
Anyway, it is definitely bedtime.
26 down, 2 to go! :D
C's brother was hurt at school today. They were playing flag football in P.E. and C's brother and another kid smacked their heads together while going for an interception. C's brother started having a seizure and puking, so my little sister took control and was like, "You call 911, you go for help, you stay with [C's brother], and I'll help the other kid." She did a really good job, but it freaked her out.
I'm worried too. I mean, for two years the kid was like MY brother, because I was so close to C's family. But now I can't even really find out how he's doing, because C would freak out if I contacted his family at all. So I have to wait for news to come through the grapevine to my sister. Nerve-wracking. I just hope he's okay, getting hit in the head and then having a seizure are not good things. At all.
So I'm worried about that, but I'm also happy from hanging out with K. It was very nice. He smells good. I'm still... well, physically I'm comfortable, he's just warm and huggy and comforting. And he's funny and nice, so I like that. I'm just... well. Messed up in the emotional department a little. I have to remember to go slow. Slow. Which is just hard because physically I'm comfortable. Which is weird, I usually get nervous and start shaking when I hug a new guy. xD W called me a "bunny rabbit, because you shake when you're nervous but if I hold you tight you calm down." I guess that's a good description.
Basically, I have no idea. Like, seriously, I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling half the time. I just need to be careful and go with it, I guess.
I am so timid. "I guess. Well. I'm still... I just hope." <- Words of a timid, anxious person.
Anyway, it is definitely bedtime.
26 down, 2 to go! :D
And I Was Thinking Of Places That I Could Hide
So it appears this blog is getting more viewers every day! Hello, world!
Now, I would like to say that just because more people read it does not mean I'm going to stop the way I write. I write this blog to be honest with myself and whoever reads it, like I said before. It's like a journal that I let people read. Yeah. With song lyrics for entry titles. xD
Okay, so B's roommate is going to need a nickname. I think I can safely go with K. It hasn't been used yet, I think. So yeah, tall cute roommate is now K.
Tonight I went over to D's and hung out with him and Ali and some other peoples (no A) for a while. We watched part of the Simpsons movie and then decided to get some food. As we were leaving to get food... I texted K. Yeah. I texted him first. D: I hate texting people first. It freaks me out. I get totally anxious. xD But I did it! And he invited me over.
I went and got food with D and them, and then when we were done eating I went over to B's apartment. We watched a funny show for a little while, and then we just kind of sat around talking and I scratched K's head. xD
(Oh, for readers not familiar with my emoticons, xD is the equivalent of lol. But cooler.)
Also, he asked if I'd like to go on a date sometime. :3 So I said yes.
Now, here's the thing. I am a little terrified of like... relationshippy stuff right now. On the one hand, I am dying for some attention, for someone to pay attention to me, to have someone to talk to. On the other hand, I have had pretty terrible luck in that department, so I'm nervous. Every guy that I have actually liked, like seriously liked, has liked another girl more than me. If not immediately, then eventually. C with BF, W with his girlfriend, and A with every girl but me. (>.< lame.) So I'm worried about that. Not very confident, I guess.
For another thing, I still... Like, I like K. He's funny and nice and cute. But I still like A, I still crush on W. I know that with A, he doesn't return the feelings, and W has a girlfriend so obviously nothing's happening there. But I've liked them for a while, so... I guess it's hard to let go of.
Plus I don't really know K yet. And as I've said before, I usually don't start liking boys seriously until I've known them a while. I'm going to have to force myself to take it slow so I don't mess things up.
Now, as for K himself. Pros are that he's tall, funny, nice, outgoing, cute, and kinda... I dunno, snuggly or something. xD Those are all very good things. Cons are that he smokes (not much or a lot, supposedly, but still), I don't really know him yet, and I'm a little worried he might try to move too fast. (Which I might want, but I'm not sure yet? I guess? I don't even know.)
With the smoking, it's just a turn-off. Chaos and I were talking about it, and she was like, "B's not really my type, but even if he was, the smoking thing is just a huge turn-off." (Sorry B, I don't know if I had told you that yet. D:) Like, I don't really care if people smoke. I know it's an addiction, and some people can break the addiction and some can't. I'm not going to try to force anyone to stop. I would encourage them to stop, but I wouldn't like... stop being friends with them. The thing is, I just don't really want to be a) hanging out with someone who's on mind-altering things (however little the effect is)(yes, even cigarettes alter your brain a little) and b) I don't really want to be hugging/kissing someone who smells/tastes like smoke. Just kinda gross. Reason B is more important. xD There is also a reason C, but I won't go into that one. xD
But the other things are easily fixable! I just have to get to know him better and see what happens. Which I want to do, because I do like him and he's funny and cute and all.
I'm just terrified. Like, seriously. I feel so anxious about everything that it's driving me crazy. I feel like I need to curl up into a tiny ball and cry or something. Something.
Terrified, nervous, anxious, confused, tired, bored, lonely, angry, heartbroken, depressed, regretful, excited, comforted, happy. My psychology teacher told us that usually when psychologists ask people to list some things that they feel on a regular basis, most people come up with seven. I doubled that and most of them aren't great. Ahaha.
Anyway, hopefully tomorrow (today) there will be a date with K! I don't know what we'll do or if the date will actually happen, but... woo! It's weird that I'm nervous, considering I spent like an hour tonight with his head in my lap. I think it's because physically I'm comfortable, it's just mentally and emotionally that needs work.
How messed up is that. xD
This was really long, wow. Sorry about that!
25 down, 3 to go. So close!
Now, I would like to say that just because more people read it does not mean I'm going to stop the way I write. I write this blog to be honest with myself and whoever reads it, like I said before. It's like a journal that I let people read. Yeah. With song lyrics for entry titles. xD
Okay, so B's roommate is going to need a nickname. I think I can safely go with K. It hasn't been used yet, I think. So yeah, tall cute roommate is now K.
Tonight I went over to D's and hung out with him and Ali and some other peoples (no A) for a while. We watched part of the Simpsons movie and then decided to get some food. As we were leaving to get food... I texted K. Yeah. I texted him first. D: I hate texting people first. It freaks me out. I get totally anxious. xD But I did it! And he invited me over.
I went and got food with D and them, and then when we were done eating I went over to B's apartment. We watched a funny show for a little while, and then we just kind of sat around talking and I scratched K's head. xD
(Oh, for readers not familiar with my emoticons, xD is the equivalent of lol. But cooler.)
Also, he asked if I'd like to go on a date sometime. :3 So I said yes.
Now, here's the thing. I am a little terrified of like... relationshippy stuff right now. On the one hand, I am dying for some attention, for someone to pay attention to me, to have someone to talk to. On the other hand, I have had pretty terrible luck in that department, so I'm nervous. Every guy that I have actually liked, like seriously liked, has liked another girl more than me. If not immediately, then eventually. C with BF, W with his girlfriend, and A with every girl but me. (>.< lame.) So I'm worried about that. Not very confident, I guess.
For another thing, I still... Like, I like K. He's funny and nice and cute. But I still like A, I still crush on W. I know that with A, he doesn't return the feelings, and W has a girlfriend so obviously nothing's happening there. But I've liked them for a while, so... I guess it's hard to let go of.
Plus I don't really know K yet. And as I've said before, I usually don't start liking boys seriously until I've known them a while. I'm going to have to force myself to take it slow so I don't mess things up.
Now, as for K himself. Pros are that he's tall, funny, nice, outgoing, cute, and kinda... I dunno, snuggly or something. xD Those are all very good things. Cons are that he smokes (not much or a lot, supposedly, but still), I don't really know him yet, and I'm a little worried he might try to move too fast. (Which I might want, but I'm not sure yet? I guess? I don't even know.)
With the smoking, it's just a turn-off. Chaos and I were talking about it, and she was like, "B's not really my type, but even if he was, the smoking thing is just a huge turn-off." (Sorry B, I don't know if I had told you that yet. D:) Like, I don't really care if people smoke. I know it's an addiction, and some people can break the addiction and some can't. I'm not going to try to force anyone to stop. I would encourage them to stop, but I wouldn't like... stop being friends with them. The thing is, I just don't really want to be a) hanging out with someone who's on mind-altering things (however little the effect is)(yes, even cigarettes alter your brain a little) and b) I don't really want to be hugging/kissing someone who smells/tastes like smoke. Just kinda gross. Reason B is more important. xD There is also a reason C, but I won't go into that one. xD
But the other things are easily fixable! I just have to get to know him better and see what happens. Which I want to do, because I do like him and he's funny and cute and all.
I'm just terrified. Like, seriously. I feel so anxious about everything that it's driving me crazy. I feel like I need to curl up into a tiny ball and cry or something. Something.
Terrified, nervous, anxious, confused, tired, bored, lonely, angry, heartbroken, depressed, regretful, excited, comforted, happy. My psychology teacher told us that usually when psychologists ask people to list some things that they feel on a regular basis, most people come up with seven. I doubled that and most of them aren't great. Ahaha.
Anyway, hopefully tomorrow (today) there will be a date with K! I don't know what we'll do or if the date will actually happen, but... woo! It's weird that I'm nervous, considering I spent like an hour tonight with his head in my lap. I think it's because physically I'm comfortable, it's just mentally and emotionally that needs work.
How messed up is that. xD
This was really long, wow. Sorry about that!
25 down, 3 to go. So close!
But In The End, It Doesn't Even Matter
Being friends with mostly guys can really suck sometimes. Guyfriends never just ask you how you're doing. Okay, not never, but rarely. And when they do, and you try to talk to them about how you're really feeling, they don't always listen.
I really just want to talk to someone. To have someone know exactly what I'm feeling, and at least try to help me. Which happens occasionally, but like... I dunno. I want something like
I can't even miss him anymore, it hurts too much. But I can't help it, either.
I would seriously hang out with B and his roommates every day, if I wasn't worried about them getting sick of me. xD I would hang out with any of my friends every day if I could. If I have to choose between being with my friends and doing ANYTHING else, friends win like 99.9% of the time. It's the only time I feel okay.
But I can't be with my friends all the time. So I hurt.
Kinda sucks.
(Almost) 24 down, 4 to go.
I really just want to talk to someone. To have someone know exactly what I'm feeling, and at least try to help me. Which happens occasionally, but like... I dunno. I want something like
I can't even miss him anymore, it hurts too much. But I can't help it, either.
I would seriously hang out with B and his roommates every day, if I wasn't worried about them getting sick of me. xD I would hang out with any of my friends every day if I could. If I have to choose between being with my friends and doing ANYTHING else, friends win like 99.9% of the time. It's the only time I feel okay.
But I can't be with my friends all the time. So I hurt.
Kinda sucks.
(Almost) 24 down, 4 to go.
I Wanted To Forgive, I'm Trying To Forget
I feel terribly anxious. I don't know what it is.
Probably 'cause it's that time of the month.
I just want to cry or something.
My chest hurts.
23 down, 5 to go. ._.
Probably 'cause it's that time of the month.
I just want to cry or something.
My chest hurts.
23 down, 5 to go. ._.
This Feeling's Tearing Me Up (Here We Go Now)
Yeah, that title basically sums it up. I feel like my emotions are having an all out war in my head. I just want them to shut up so I can think straight. >.<
But I doubt that'll ever happen.
In other news, I have a shoebox alligator that I made at work. Yeah, productive.
Tired, bored, confused, and thinking too much. That's my life right now, basically. Same old.
I have the day off tomorrow (today), hopefully I'll hang out with someone!
But for now, bedtime.
But I doubt that'll ever happen.
In other news, I have a shoebox alligator that I made at work. Yeah, productive.
Tired, bored, confused, and thinking too much. That's my life right now, basically. Same old.
I have the day off tomorrow (today), hopefully I'll hang out with someone!
But for now, bedtime.
I Don't Know What's Worth Fighting For, Or Why I Have To Scream
So, went over to B's house and played a game with him and his roommates.
Um, his one roommate that is tall and kind of attractive is no longer dating someone. So maybe? (again) *does not get hopes up*
I'm kinda tired and out of it, so this is really short, I guess.
(Tall roommate is pretty cute, though. And funny.)
(But I won't get my hopes up.)
(Or I'll try not to.)
(Why are emotions so confusing?)
(And painful.)
21 down, 7 to go. Only a week left!
Um, his one roommate that is tall and kind of attractive is no longer dating someone. So maybe? (again) *does not get hopes up*
I'm kinda tired and out of it, so this is really short, I guess.
(Tall roommate is pretty cute, though. And funny.)
(But I won't get my hopes up.)
(Or I'll try not to.)
(Why are emotions so confusing?)
(And painful.)
21 down, 7 to go. Only a week left!
Z's Adventures!
So, here are the pictures Z has sent me! He's an awesome brother.
This one made me crack up. For like ten minutes.
Z and his favorite Elder. My mom says this picture looks like they're going on Dancing With The Stars. xD
Popcorn Gollum!
Z calls this costume "Ninja Mouth."
Ninja Mouth is about to pounce on Aubrey! (Yeah, one of his companions is named Aubrey. Weird, huh?)
And there he is with his broken kneecap. xD
I have a bunch more pictures, but for some reason Blogger is being dumb about posting them, and I don't like looking at all the html code. It's annoying!
So the only consequence of sleeping over at D's is that the van has a curfew of midnight now. Totally worth it. xD
Also... well, that's all I feel like writing right now. Kinda tired. xD
Only 8 days left! :D
This one made me crack up. For like ten minutes.
Z and his favorite Elder. My mom says this picture looks like they're going on Dancing With The Stars. xD
Popcorn Gollum!
Z calls this costume "Ninja Mouth."
Ninja Mouth is about to pounce on Aubrey! (Yeah, one of his companions is named Aubrey. Weird, huh?)
And there he is with his broken kneecap. xD
I have a bunch more pictures, but for some reason Blogger is being dumb about posting them, and I don't like looking at all the html code. It's annoying!
So the only consequence of sleeping over at D's is that the van has a curfew of midnight now. Totally worth it. xD
Also... well, that's all I feel like writing right now. Kinda tired. xD
Only 8 days left! :D
Oh, You're My Best Friend, In A World We Must Defend!
So last night I was a bad girl. :O I slept over at D's house with him and A. I'll probably be in trouble or something next time I see my parents, but I'm gonna clean the kitchen when I go home and that should make it a little better.
Anyway. I will reiterate that hanging out with those guys is the best thing ever. We didn't hardly even do anything, just watched A beat Mass Effect 2, went to McDonald's, and played some more games. I fell asleep at some point, and next thing I knew I woke up and it was three thirty in the morning. I decided I'd rather have my parents be mad at me for sleeping at D's without telling them than have them be mad at me for falling asleep behind the wheel and crashing the van into the river and dying. So I sent them a text letting them know I was alive, and went back to sleep.
Then I woke up this morning, sneakily watched A sleeping for two seconds (boys are so cute when they're asleep, not gonna lie), and went home to get ready for school.
Also, I have a horrible cold, so that's tons of fun. -_-
Basically right now I'm just thinking about getting home, cleaning the kitchen, eating, talking to my mom about my adventure last night, and taking medicine. Plus, you know, thinking about boys. A in particular. He's so attractive. -_- But for some reason I'm okay with just being his friend. Probably because it's A. He's just so random and crazy that... I dunno. He's a freaking awesome friend, I wish it would be more, but I'm not going to obsess over trying to get him to like me when he's already such an awesome person.
Trying to act normal around guys you like can be pretty hard. I gotta keep reminding myself not to stare. xD
Anyway, I'm not really thinking straight, so if I read this later and it's actually coherent, I will be very surprised.
15 down, 13 to go.
Anyway. I will reiterate that hanging out with those guys is the best thing ever. We didn't hardly even do anything, just watched A beat Mass Effect 2, went to McDonald's, and played some more games. I fell asleep at some point, and next thing I knew I woke up and it was three thirty in the morning. I decided I'd rather have my parents be mad at me for sleeping at D's without telling them than have them be mad at me for falling asleep behind the wheel and crashing the van into the river and dying. So I sent them a text letting them know I was alive, and went back to sleep.
Then I woke up this morning, sneakily watched A sleeping for two seconds (boys are so cute when they're asleep, not gonna lie), and went home to get ready for school.
Also, I have a horrible cold, so that's tons of fun. -_-
Basically right now I'm just thinking about getting home, cleaning the kitchen, eating, talking to my mom about my adventure last night, and taking medicine. Plus, you know, thinking about boys. A in particular. He's so attractive. -_- But for some reason I'm okay with just being his friend. Probably because it's A. He's just so random and crazy that... I dunno. He's a freaking awesome friend, I wish it would be more, but I'm not going to obsess over trying to get him to like me when he's already such an awesome person.
Trying to act normal around guys you like can be pretty hard. I gotta keep reminding myself not to stare. xD
Anyway, I'm not really thinking straight, so if I read this later and it's actually coherent, I will be very surprised.
15 down, 13 to go.
A Year Has Passed, The Seasons Go
Well, it's been a year.
Valentine's Day kinda sucks, which is why I celebrate Vincent Valentine's Day. Which is fantastic.
For my VVDay present, I bought myself a 12-pack of Mountain Dew Voltage, swiss cake rolls, sour cream and onion Pringles, and a Bond movie. Thunderball with Sean Connery as Bond. It was either that or Die Another Day, and I think we all know that Sean Connery Bond > Pierce Brosnan Bond.
Also, last night I hung out with B and Venom, which was fun. They're pretty hilarious guys! Also, B and I watched Clerks, which was awesome.
I think I have a cold. >.<
I also think I will put the pictures that Z sends me up here at some point, because they're just hysterical.
Anyway, time to munch on some chocolate and watch Bond.
Happy Vincent Valentine's Day! :D
(I made it through a year.)
What's That Sound? You're So Loud!
Last night, I went over to D's to hang out with him and Ali. We watched some dumb romantic movie, and then Ali had to go home. I thought I'd leave pretty soon after that, but D and I started talking. We've never really just sat down and talked about... I dunno, emotional stuff before. It was really nice. He's seriously the best brother ever. I can basically tell him anything, and he just helps me out and talks to me. Plus he's hilarious and fun to hang out with.
Anyway, so I had told my dad I would probably be home around midnight, but because we got to talking, it ended up being closer to 2:30 a.m. So I was coming into the house all quiet-like, trying not to wake people up...
And an alarm goes off. BOOWEEOOOWEEOOWEEOOOWOOP!
So I freak out, and find the source, a motion sensing penguin next to my door. It gets switched off, and I walk farther into my room.
BOOWEEOOOWEEOOWEEOOOWOOP!
Yeah, there were two of them. Nearly gave me a heart attack, and woke my dad up, although he said he just rolled over and went back to sleep.
Also, tonight I went to an awesome dance! I had kinda spent the whole day by myself, just wandering around town, because I didn't want to be at home. Then I decided to go over to the college, because I had heard of some dance. It ended up being a dance for the people who were from the drama festival thing, but they were just letting whoever in. It was AWESOME. They played music that you could actually dance to, no slow songs, hardly any rap... awesome. Plus they showed the music videos for the songs that were playing, so that was pretty cool.
Oh! I got a letter and some pictures from Z today too! There's a hilarious picture of him and one of his companions holding "Chastity" pamphlets and looking suspicious. I put it up on my wall. That kid is so funny. I miss him.
Anyway, I think that's about it for tonight. I should sleep soon, I wore my voice out from singing at that dance. Plus it was already sore... I hope I'm not getting sick. xP
Although it would not surprise me! :D
12 down, 16 to go.
I Live For Those I Lost Along the Way
Hung out with A and D yesterday! It's always the highlight of my week when I do. They're just so freakin' hilarious. They played some games, I took a mini-nap on the floor, we watched "The 25 Hottest Women of Sci-Fi," Ali came over and we went to Taco Bell and got food, we went to Wal*Mart and got cookies, we got Pandorum from Redbox, A and I watched Pandorum and D fell asleep, and then we made dumb jokes for like an hour and went home. They just make me laugh like constantly. Pretty awesome. Especially A, we always have like the same thoughts at the same time. But he always wins somehow.
Pandorum was a really weird movie. And it had a dumb ending.
I observed a whole day at an elementary school today! First grade. One of the little girls came up to me and was like, "Um... I just wanted to tell you that I think you look really cute."
I almost died from the adorable.
Tomorrow I'm probably headed up to Cedar after school with D and Ali to watch some kind of game! Speaking of school, I should probably either be studying for a test or writing an essay, but I don't really care! :D
Well, that's all I feel like writing about in here for now!
9 down, 19 to go. (Thank goodness February is short.)
And Holy FREAK They Were ALIENS!
So apparently I need to clear a few things up, as brought to light by C's message. This post is going to be full of ranting, because I need to let this all out before I go crazy or something.
A) Yes, I have a crush on W. This does not mean I am doing anything to "mess up his relationship." I haven't hung out with him in months, and when I did, his girlfriend was there. I haven't talked to him in weeks, and when I do, I always invite his girlfriend along. I would not do ANYTHING to pull him away from his girlfriend. I'm actually NOT a "desperate slut," thanks. W is still my friend and he's fun to hang out with and play Halo with. And his girlfriend is awesome, at least as far as I can tell from the times I've hung out with her. Hope that clears that up.
B) Yes, I've told C that I would be there for him if he needed me. I didn't say I would stop hating his girlfriend. I would indeed have been there for him if he needed me. Even if he needed me to help him think of ways to win her back or something, I would have helped him. I would have discouraged it, sure, but I would have helped him.
C) Just because you don't love someone doesn't mean they don't love you.
D) I'm not the only one who thinks those things about BF. I'm just the only one who put them on my blog, because I don't care who knows what I think about her. Other people have a little more tact than me when it comes to her, I guess.
E) I really don't think I should be getting the blame when it was his lies I was believing. The only reason I think those things about him is because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Don't lie, kids!
F) The dreams I have about C aren't "creepy." They're usually nightmares about him leaving me. Over and over. So yeah. That would be why I wake up crying.
G) Yeah, I'm not impulsively chasing every guy I see. Since C dumped me after lying to me for two years, I have liked:
W: explained above
A: I know he doesn't like me, so we are just good friends.
B: I was always unclear on what I felt about him, and we ended up just being great friends.
N: Ended up being bipolar and depressed, and I just didn't need that, so when he started talking to me about depressing things, I broke it off.
B's roommate: I met him the day before I got C's message so I don't even know what's going on with him yet.
That's it. Pretty sure that's not every guy I see. And it's not that I "can't get a guy to go out with" me. I've actually been on quite a few dates, thanks. It's just that none of them have ended up being people I want a relationship with, or they don't want a relationship with me. Which is PERFECTLY normal. Not everyone is lucky enough to end up with their "middle school sweetheart."
H) It's true that I used to think that she wasn't good enough for him, that she was just a manipulative bitch who was using him. But now I see that they're perfectly suited for each other. Excuse me for believing all the lies he told me and thinking he was an awesomely amazing guy.
Basically I'm just kinda pissed right now. But I hope this clears everything up for anyone who's reading this, I wouldn't want them to be under the same mistaken impressions that C was.
Also, just want to add that I have the best friends in the world, and that's way better than having some lying bastard of a boyfriend.
8 down, 20 to go.
A) Yes, I have a crush on W. This does not mean I am doing anything to "mess up his relationship." I haven't hung out with him in months, and when I did, his girlfriend was there. I haven't talked to him in weeks, and when I do, I always invite his girlfriend along. I would not do ANYTHING to pull him away from his girlfriend. I'm actually NOT a "desperate slut," thanks. W is still my friend and he's fun to hang out with and play Halo with. And his girlfriend is awesome, at least as far as I can tell from the times I've hung out with her. Hope that clears that up.
B) Yes, I've told C that I would be there for him if he needed me. I didn't say I would stop hating his girlfriend. I would indeed have been there for him if he needed me. Even if he needed me to help him think of ways to win her back or something, I would have helped him. I would have discouraged it, sure, but I would have helped him.
C) Just because you don't love someone doesn't mean they don't love you.
D) I'm not the only one who thinks those things about BF. I'm just the only one who put them on my blog, because I don't care who knows what I think about her. Other people have a little more tact than me when it comes to her, I guess.
E) I really don't think I should be getting the blame when it was his lies I was believing. The only reason I think those things about him is because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Don't lie, kids!
F) The dreams I have about C aren't "creepy." They're usually nightmares about him leaving me. Over and over. So yeah. That would be why I wake up crying.
G) Yeah, I'm not impulsively chasing every guy I see. Since C dumped me after lying to me for two years, I have liked:
W: explained above
A: I know he doesn't like me, so we are just good friends.
B: I was always unclear on what I felt about him, and we ended up just being great friends.
N: Ended up being bipolar and depressed, and I just didn't need that, so when he started talking to me about depressing things, I broke it off.
B's roommate: I met him the day before I got C's message so I don't even know what's going on with him yet.
That's it. Pretty sure that's not every guy I see. And it's not that I "can't get a guy to go out with" me. I've actually been on quite a few dates, thanks. It's just that none of them have ended up being people I want a relationship with, or they don't want a relationship with me. Which is PERFECTLY normal. Not everyone is lucky enough to end up with their "middle school sweetheart."
H) It's true that I used to think that she wasn't good enough for him, that she was just a manipulative bitch who was using him. But now I see that they're perfectly suited for each other. Excuse me for believing all the lies he told me and thinking he was an awesomely amazing guy.
Basically I'm just kinda pissed right now. But I hope this clears everything up for anyone who's reading this, I wouldn't want them to be under the same mistaken impressions that C was.
Also, just want to add that I have the best friends in the world, and that's way better than having some lying bastard of a boyfriend.
8 down, 20 to go.
You Make Breaking Hearts Look So Easy
So. C found my blog. And read it. Which I am fine with, because I just tell the truth about what I'm thinking on here. I just say what I feel. And I don't regret being honest.
He sent me a letter.
Apparently, he wasn't honest. For the whole two years we were dating. I mean, I knew there were some times he wasn't. But the entire time? Wow. He said he never loved me. He was just trying to get over BF. He didn't think he would ever have her, so he decided I was good enough.
It just hurts, to learn that two years of your life were based on a lie. And for some reason he thinks that knowing he was faking it will help me get over him faster. I don't know why he would think that. It just hurts. Like, "Ohey, I said I loved you for two years, and promised you everything, but I was lying. That makes you feel better about me breaking all those promises and your heart, right?"
Yeah, no. Sorry. I know he probably meant well..? But that doesn't make me feel better.
I just don't really know what to think right now. Half of me hates him. Half of me is mourning. Even though apparently our relationship wasn't "real" to him, it sure was to me.
Basically, ow. That just sums it up.
So I get this letter, I tell Ali, I tell D, I tell A, I tell B... basically I told everyone I could. Because it hurt. And I wanted support.
B and his roommates invited me over, so I went over to their apartment. His cute roommate that thought I was cute didn't even really know what was going on, he just knew something was wrong. And he hugged me. And kept telling me it was okay. And hugged me even though I was crying and had mascara and snot running all down my face. Probably.
So we watched my favorite Bond movie, Live and Let Die, and B and his roommates just kept reassuring me that it was okay, that "that guy" probably wasn't worth my time, and I deserved better. And it helped. I wish I hadn't had to go home, but my parents would have flipped. They thought I was at D's anyway.
It's great to have good friends. And apparently A and D both started yelling at C, ending up with them not being friends with him anymore. Which I feel kinda bad about. But it's their decision.
C did call me a slut, after all. Although D said he took it back. It still stings. I'm a slut because I liked some guys after I liked him? Because I "flung myself" at them? Well, whatever. He can think what he wants.
All I think about him is that he used to be such a nice, caring guy, but apparently that was a lie. Now I just miss the guy I thought I knew, and I feel angry and annoyed at the new (or real, I guess) him. I'm sure the great guy is somewhere, but he's hiding pretty well, at least from most of his old friends.
Transitioning from high school to real life kinda sucks. A lot.
I really do wish him the best. I want him to be happy, even if that means him being with a girl that I hate. Yes, I do hate her. I'm not going to lie about it. I've always strongly disliked her, and everything that happened with C just reinforced and strengthened that. But if he's happy, that's good.
Even if it doesn't make me happy.
So, C, if you're still reading this after all of this, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I told the truth, that I was honest in my blog. That's what I created this for. To be honest with myself and whoever else chose to read it.
I am sorry, though, that things ended the way they did. You were a fantastic friend, and a great boyfriend, even though apparently it was mostly fake. I forgive you for that, mostly. It still hurts, and I don't think anything can really change that. But I don't really blame you. Because I know how you feel about her.
Because it's the way I used to feel about you.
7 down, 21 to go.
(P.S. Happy birthday to my sister, who turned 16 today!)
You Know I'll Always Be Around
So I've discovered the cure to my insomnia. Loud noises and people. Seriously. I fell asleep at a dance party today. Heart-thumpingly loud music, people everywhere... and I passed out in a chair. And like I always fall asleep when D and A are playing really loud video games. I think mostly it's the people factor. I feel safer and more comfortable around people, particularly D and A and them.
Hung out with Chaos and B and some of his friends/roommates. It was pretty fun, and one of his roommates seems really awesome and apparently I'm on his "list" of girls. So maybe something will happen...? Who knows.
Anyway, super tired and I have to work in like nine hours.
6 down, 22 to go.
Don't Wanna Reach For Me, Do You?
Yeah, I basically just don't know anymore. Talking to B is proving helpful though. He just gets things that most people don't. It's always nice to have someone who understands.
I don't know what it is about my brain, but for some reason I can never stop thinking about dates. Like, I think "Oh, a year ago today, C and I were doing this." And it kills.
Speaking of, I was already in a terrible mood this morning, I woke up late and didn't shower so I had a beanie on, and a huge coat, and basically looked gross. And who should I happen to run into around a corner? Yeah, C. I saw him, he saw me, we looked at each other for a split second, and then continued walking in opposite directions.
I wonder if he could see how lifeless my eyes were. I wonder if he even cared.
So of course my pulse jumps about 100 bpm, and I can't calm down for all of class. Seeing him is just... a very strange rush. Hatred, longing, attraction (even now), revulsion, pity, curiosity. All of them just jump to the front of my mind.
I wonder if he could tell I'd been crying.
5 down, 23 to go.
It's Getting Dark and You've Lost Your Way
I just feel like I'm slipping more every day.
The people I care about most don't seem to care about me.
They probably don't, actually.
And the people that do care about me, I don't really care about. I mean, they're friends, but not... I dunno. It just doesn't help as much. I guess it's like... you don't care if people you don't like like you. I guess. I dunno. It's confusing. My brain is weird, I guess. Yeah. See how many times I can say guess in one paragraph.
I just want to hang out with W or A or D or Jonag. Or have them randomly come to my work.
I miss Z so freakin' much. He always made sure I was okay.
Why can't one of the nice normal fun awesome guys I like even care about me enough to say hi once in a while? Even when I talk to them, they hardly respond.
I would give an arm and a leg to hug W or A for a while. Like, really. It's getting to the point where I need that so bad. Just the physical contact with someone I like... it would make me feel so much better. Maybe Saturday I'll see if I can kidnap W. Or hang with A. But I doubt it. So I'll just keep... breathing.
That's a good place to start.
I knew February was going to be bad, but I didn't expect this. It doesn't help that I've seen freaking C like every day of February so far.
"It's been almost a year, get over it." (people say things like this.)
Shut the f*ck up. A year is not long enough to get over losing someone you love. I don't know what time period IS long enough. I. Lost. Him. He's gone. He's not coming back.
He might as well have died.
Except that would have been easier to accept.
And I did love him, more than anything else, real, deep love. Even though people may say "you're too young to know what real love is." Yeah right. If it wasn't real, deep love, would I still be hurting this badly a year later? No. I don't think so.
My heart is in pieces, and I keep giving the power to fix it to people who don't want to. But I can't help myself.
4 down, 24 to go.
I Can't Face the Dark Without You
Got another letter from Z! He liked his package, and he sent me some cool pictures of him and his companions. Awesome. I miss that kid.
Basically, blah blah blah I feel blah. Seriously. I should just go to sleep for like five years or so. -_-
Three days down, 25 to go. -_-
I need someone, soon. I seriously... guh.
whatever
Where You Lead I Cannot Follow
C's birthday.
Would have been three years.
I saw him drive through the parking lot at work with BF. Either that or I hallucinated it.
Somehow the latter would not surprise me.
Sent him an email, doubt he reads it.
How can I still miss him this much after almost a year?
Stupid February.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
Fed up.
Worn out.
Sick of it.
Hurting.
Screw you.
