Heal Arrow!

Over at D's again, hanging out with him and A and B. Wooooooo!

So life is crazy. School is... um.... sucktastic. Basically. Probably gonna fail some stuff. Thinking about it makes me freak out a little. So I'm not gonna think about it! Problems go away if you don't think about them, right?

Other than that, life is pretty good! I bought my car today! :D :D Tomorrow I have to get insurance and register it and everything. Gotta get A to give me my freakin' money though. Punk.

ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL THE CONCERT! :D :D :D :D :D Basically I'm more excited than anything ever. It's gonna be so awesome. WOO!

A and D are playing some kind of awesome game that looks a lot like Tales. B and I started a file on Symphonia. He's funny when he's playing video games. He gets all into it and starts moving the controller around like a little kid. It's awesome. :D

He's reading this while I type it. Hello, B. How are you today?

"I am amazing." he says. "To say the least."

He's such a suck up. :P (It's kinda cute. :D)

Basically, yeah. Awesome week. School is giving me chest pain just to think about, so I should probably... work on that... or something. -_-

D just burped. Gross.

We got some delicious limited edition Oreos. They're tasty.

D says he has huge boobs. Just so you all know that.

B is snuggly. It's so cute. :3

So now I'm just typing whatever I feel like. One of the characters on this game has an annoying voice. Oh man! I was playing Pokemon FireRed earlier today, and freakin' Horatio (that's my rival) beat me, after I beat all the Elite Four. The second time around, so they're all way stronger and whatever. I have the three legendary birds, Mewtwo, Charizard, and Dragonair in my party. Awesome. But his stupid Tyranitar decimated my forces. He'll go down eventually.

I have a dumb zit on my nose right where my glasses go, so I had to put a band-aid over it. It's annoying and dumb. Oh well, at least it doesn't hurt as much.

Anyway, this is going on way too long. So... g'bye!

Afraid To Lose Control

Life is complicated always.

Things are going good with B! He's great. He'll stay up with me if I need/want him to, which is awesome. Hopefully he doesn't get kicked out of school and have to leave the STG. :\ Because I would miss him like crazy. You know, since he's my boyfriend and all. :D

The concert trip just keeps getting better and better! D and A, and now my friend Joe from work might be riding with us! And on the way back we're gonna pick up Armando in SLC, so that'll be even more fun! Woo!! So excited.

And now, something different. A note that I did on Facebook and my DeviantArt account, and I want to put it here, too.

Books!

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Choose fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you - the first fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes.

1. IT - Stephen King
2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J. K. Rowling
3. The Pact - Jodi Picoult
4. Skin Game - Caroline Kettlewell
5. Halo: Contact Harvest - Joseph Staten
6. Fragile Things - Neil Gaiman
7. Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
8. The Bro Code - Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn
9. The Lost City of Faar - D. J. MacHale
10. A Mango-Shaped Space - Wendy Mass
11. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
12. Sherlock Holmes (series) - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
13. The Children of Greene Knowe - Lucy M. Boston
14. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King - J.R.R. Tolkien
15. The Lusty Argonian Maid - Crassius Curio (Oblivion)

I actually just ordered #13 on that list from Barnes and Noble, because I haven't read it in so long and I love it. Plus I had a couple gift cards with like three dollars each that I needed to use up.

And yes, I realize the font got all weird here, but I am too lazy to change it!

And now it is most definitely bread time.

<3

Scars And Stripes Forever, In Need Of Change I Can't Resist

Well.

So much has happened since my last blog post. xD I just haven't really felt like writing, for some reason.

Biggest news: I'm now dating B. Facebook official, even! xD We'd been talking a lot about it, and one night we were both feeling kinda down. He said he just wanted a chance, that he'd be more hurt if we didn't try to go for SOMETHING, at least.

I explained to him that I like him, that I wanted to try something with him, but that I was just afraid of hurting him. Mostly because I still like A and W. But I explained that A has no interest and W is very much taken. I told him I just have a major crush on A, but am a little bit in love with W. Again, I explained that A is not interested and that I wouldn't do anything to take W from his girlfriend, because she's awesome.

Then I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to hang out anymore, or if he still wanted to try something. I left it up to him. He said of course he still wanted to try. Then he said, "I really want to kiss you right now."

"That's okay, I want to kiss you too."

So we kissed. And DANG is he a good kisser. xD

Then we were just in some kind of awkward pseudo-dating stage for a while, and people kept asking if we were "official." So we talked about it, and I brought up my issues again, and he said he didn't care, and he asked me to go out with him.

So I said yes. And there you have it. I have a boyfriend. It feels strange to say that. A good strange.

Anyway, I'm kind of exhausted, so I'm just going to sum everything else up as fast as I can.

I got an awesome haircut! Super short and awesome. Gah. I love it so much. I keep talking about it.

D got his ticket for the Breaking Benjamin concert, and A decided he's gonna come too! :D Gonna be the best three/four day road trip of my life. Those guys just crack me up.

Had a party the other day, got to see a bunch of my highschooler friends that I hadn't seen for a while! W and Jonag and Chaos' brother Beau schooled us in Brawl and Halo. xD

Got another letter from Z today, that kid is so awesome. I have a letter, postmarked from Germany, that is addressed to "Audrizzle Higginson." So so so cool. xD I miss him tons, and I'm gonna write to him always!

Basically this week has been super awesome. Tomorrow should be great too, gonna go see Kick Ass with B and then go to work and then go to a dance! :D Fun times!

Anyway, grood night, blogsters. :D

Said Her Name Was Romance, I Said, "I'm Impulsive"

Hm. I don't really know where to start this one! I guess that's why I usually write in here every day, so I can just rehash the day. Oh well.

Apparently Z hasn't been getting the letters I sent with DearElder.com. This angers me. I've gotta get my real letter sent to him.

Okay, so. I'm just gonna type whatever I think about.

After that last post, B and I stayed up talking for hours. He's fantastic. He really understands what I feel, and it's great to talk to him.

I like him. He's a great guy, a good friend, he's pretty cute, it makes me happy to hold hands with him and fall asleep next to him. I feel safe and comfortable around him.

But.

(It kills me to have to have a but, because it has exactly nothing to do with him and exactly everything to do with my messed up head. And I know it's going to make him feel bad and I HATE doing that to him, because I like him. And especially since it really has absolutely nothing to do with him.)

It feels like something is tearing me apart from the inside. I can't fall asleep until it's well into the early morning hours. When I do fall asleep I have nightmares about BF and C tormenting me. I can't make up my mind about anything. I want things I can't have. Things I can have, I don't want. Things I can have and actually do want, I get super nervous and terrified and awkward and paranoid about. I'm falling way behind in my schoolwork. I can't see my friends as much as I want. I miss having C as a friend waaaaay more than I should.

I just don't know how much of this tearing feeling I can take. I feel like my emotions, my affections, are being pulled in twelve different directions. Which I guess is kind of true. It seriously feels like my heart is being pulled apart.

Honestly, I just want to go over to D's house, curl into a ball under his covers, and not come out for a month. I want to go back to a time when everything was simple. Last summer, maybe. When it was just me and D and A hanging out and playing Tales all the time.

I guess I'm just a selfish person.

I like B. I like A. I like W. Heck, I even still like K a little. But I can't have them. A because he doesn't like me. W because he has a girlfriend. B because my brain is hung up on other guys still and I would feel like a b*tch for committing to anything serious with him while I'm still thinking about other guys. And K because... well, he's a little too much for me, and I couldn't do that to B. Because I like B more. I like B a lot. -_-

My brain just hates me. My emotions hate me. My body hates me. Karma hates me. Life hates me.

Seriously, every time I think something good is happening, one of those things f*cks it up. "oh, you like A? har har, he doesn't like you because of your relationship with C." "oh, you like W? har har, he has a girlfriend." "oh, you like B? har har, your brain is malfunctioning and making you freak out so that won't work."

I'm just so sick of it. And I hate that I have to continuously do the same thing to guys I like. "oh, sorry, my brain is a mess so i can't handle anything right now. my bad. i thought i could deal with it, but i can't. oops."

Seriously, I hate myself.

sorry

Lock Out The World And Just Stay There Forever

What is wrong with me? I had a great day, spent most of it with B, watching movies and kind of snuggling, basically it was a happy day! Great day, even! Heck, A even responded to my usual "Hey A" on Facebook! Just one more awesome thing in a pretty freakin' awesome day!

And yet.

I feel like crap! It's like, every time I have a good day, I end up feeling like crap. When I have a normal day, I feel like crap. I just feel like CRAP.

Maybe it has to do with not eating much. Or not sleeping much. But it's a vicious cycle. I'm depressed, so I don't feel like eating or sleeping. Then I feel worse because I don't eat or sleep. Then I don't feel like eating or sleeping.

Here is the deal! I am going to call W tomorrow. I just decided this. Possibly D, too. Once I get home from school and clean the kitchen, I will call W. And text D. I need to talk to them, and if at ALL possible I need to see them. This is my resolution for the night.

I feel even more awful because really, I did enjoy spending the day with B. I hate it when I have an awesome day and then feel like crap afterwards and it overshadows the fantastic day. My brain is just covered in a cloud right now. A haze of uncertainty, boredom, depression, angst, and feelings in general. Makes it hard to focus on anything.

sometimes i really hate myself