What Do You Want From Me?

So, hanging out at D's house with him and A right now. Pretty awesome. They're playing Army of Two: 40th Day, which is pretty cool. Shoot-em-up. A keeps dying, and D keeps knifing people in the face.

Had a dream about C last night again, woke up crying, blah blah blah. I'm gonna get a hug from D (and A, if possible) before I leave, so that should make me feel better.

I sold D's scooter to a girl I work with, so he bought me lunch and he basically owes me his life twice over now. But he's still un-wingman'd.

I got a bunch of stuff in the mail today! I got another letter from Z, who is an awesome awesome guy. I think I'm gonna try and send him a package with some Hot Tamales in it for next week, 'cause he says he really misses them.

Also I got the jeans and sweater I ordered from Victoria's Secret. The jeans are fantastic, super long and awesome. The sweater is also awesome, but it's one shoulder so I have to sneak it around people for now. Once I move out I'm in the clear, though.

The last thing I got was some ear cuff things I ordered. They make it look like my ears are pierced up on top. Super cool.

A just killed a grenadier by shooting his grenades. Heh heh.

Boys are still meh, although just sitting near A is making me feel better. Even though I know I don't really have a chance with him at all. Oh well. He's still a super cool guy, and I feel better whenever I'm around my guyfriends.

They just smell good. Which is why I've been sleeping in a t-shirt of D's lately. Although apparently it doesn't keep the dreams away all the time.

Seriously that dream last night sucked. Which is why I'm still over here, instead of home like I should have been probably an hour and a half ago. I don't like going home, going to sleep all alone in my bed.

Yeah, a good hug would be nice. I really gotta get one from at least one of these guys before I leave tonight.

P.S. Mountain Dew Voltage is awesome.

Poems

Apparently I write poems.

him

temptation

rebellion

excitement
curiosity

want to know what

it

tastes like

warmth

fun

desire

wondering

want to know what

he

tastes like

yearning

missing

crying

wishing

want to

remember

what he tastes like

W
A
C

my boys

Silence

sitting alone

watching people

waiting for someone

music

drown out the quiet

clarify my thoughts

hands are distant lullabies

hate going to sleep

much too still

mind running laps

thinking of

him

him

him

alternating daily

him, him, him

everyday i dream

wish

hope

to have someone

who will help me

make

music

break the

silence

Forever

always left alone

why so many times

it doesn't hurt

what lies I tell

covering it up

letting it all out

why does no one care

can't have what I want

how hard I try

wanting a chance

pretending to be fine

why do I fall

again and again

tell you what I need

a touch, an embrace, a kiss

need a person, a boy

to care about me

for me

please someone

come for me

take me away

lift my spirits

make me smile

be mine

Do I Want This?

I don't know what I want.

I don't know if I want anything.

Well.

I do want some things.

But.

I can't have them.

So.

What do I do?

Give up.

Keep going.

Who cares.

Tired, tired, tired.

Miss you.

I'm A California Castaway

So, A has officially been told I like him, by D. And of course, he already knew. Also predictably, he sees me as a friend and nothing more.

Not really a surprise at all.

Yeah, I'm a little disappointed. I would have liked a chance. But he's still one of my best friends, and he's fun to talk to and hang out with, so I'm not really that crushed by this.

But yeah, that's that, at least for now.

More wait-and-see.

And try to meet new guys.

Hooray. -_-

Painted On My Memory

So, sitting in my super boring technology class. I seriously know like twenty thousand times more than the other people. They're like, "OMG A CHAT ROOM WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I KNOW WHO IS TALKING!?!!??!"

I'm just sitting here finishing everything and navigating the chatroom like a pro and getting annoyed at the other students. I guess it comes from being in the TeenHelp chat room all the time. I'm used to it.

Anyway, Friday was Ali's birthday, plus I got a letter from Z, and my pictures I ordered for my scrapbook! The letter from Z was awesome. He asked me to text OO and tell her that he missed her and just wanted to be home with her. It was sweet, I thought it was like he was still texting her even though he's gone. Pretty awesome. I'll probably end up writing to him like once a week because my classes are so boring and his letters are so funny. I gotta remember to send him a picture of my new hair, I forgot to stick one in the envelope last time.

Went to Vegas on Saturday with Ali, her mom, D's mom and sister, and Ali's best friend who just moved here. It was pretty awesome, I got some hot new shirts and a fedora. Then Sunday we went over to D's house and cleaned his room and stole/borrowed all his cool stuff and decorated his room with little girl pink fairy decorations. It was awesome. I'm totally wearing his Trapt shirt right now. It's way too small for him, but just right for me! :D

Anyway, work's going well, school's going boringly, and friend things... well... you know, they're going. Schedules just hardly ever match up and it gets annoying. I haven't really hung out with anyone but D and Ali in weeks. Other than B for that one movie night. I gotta get together with the Twins, but they're super busy music majors. xD

Well, that's about all for now. Just wanted to kill some time in this boring class.

Oh, and the first page of my scrapbook is going to have a quote from Linkin Park's "With You":

"Painted on my memory, even if you're not with me, I'm with you."

It just fits for how I feel about my friends.

You're Holding Something In Tonight

Okay, first of all, I don't understand girls sometimes. They just have such high expectations of their boyfriends. "Drive across town to see me for TWO SECONDS." "Respond to EVERY SINGLE TEXT." "Don't hang out with your friends who you already made plans with when you could hang out with me."

I mean, I love my girl friends to death, but they can be ridiculous about their boyfriends. But I probably just think that because I'm so laid back and whatever. I just hang out with guys so much that I understand them, so I'm more relaxed about what they do.

Basically I'd be the coolest girlfriend ever for some nerdy guy.

Speaking of, no luck with A. He's just so random and hard to talk to. I just... guh. -_-

I just really have no idea.

Melancholy.

The First Rule Is...

So, went to B's apartment tonight and watched Fight Club. AWESOME movie. Seriously. Totally crazy awesome, and I'm going to be thinking about it for days.

In boy news, I'm just frustrated and confused. I seriously feel like there are two of me sometimes: the adventurous, daring one that wants W, and the video game playing, shy, nerdy girl who wants A. Unfortunately, haven't talked to W in ages, plus there's the fact that he has a girlfriend. As for A, I'm pretty sure he knows I have a crush on him, and I'm also pretty sure that he does not return the feeling. I only say "pretty sure" and not "sure" because he sometimes does things that confuse me.

Just little things though, like joking around with me (just me) when we're at D's, or showing me videos of Kingdom Hearts stuff, or telling me how he feels like his friends don't care about him, but accepting it when I tell him I care about him. Or remembering an ongoing argument we're having.

I just don't know what he thinks, and I'm too afraid to just come right out and say "Hey A. That guyfriend I have a crush on, that I've been asking you for advice about? Yeah, that's you. I've had a crush on you since the beginning of the summer."

I don't want to lose the friendship. I don't think that I would, because we talked about that kind of thing one night, but it still scares me.

Of course, he goes for weeks at a time without talking to me anyway, so it wouldn't be much different.

Basically, A and W (ha, A&W) are just overriding everything else on my brain. I started a story about the split personality character that I use to represent myself these days, and I wrote about how the two of them like two different boys (based on A&W) for very different reasons.

I just feel like I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions. Part of me wants to move on, to like boys in college, to be more outgoing and look for boys in college. But most of me doesn't want to miss out on A&W. So I hold back from other boys, because I'm thinking about A&W.

Mostly A, lately. I've been getting closer to telling him that I like him, but I haven't been able to actually come right out and say it.

It's not that hard, I mean, to say "A, I have a crush on you." To actually say the words is easy. It's deciding to say them, finding the right moment, the best way to lead into it, the way to say it without messing up a great friendship... that's the hard part.

And he just signed in. Here goes another try.

Wish me luck.

Paper Thin Hymn ~ Anberlin

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violence become my only friends


August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
This sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violence become my only friends

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violence become my only friends

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)

These thoughts run through my head

More Red Streaks, and School Starts Tomorrow?!

More red! I like it a lot.

Also, school starts tomorrow, so I should have been in bed already.

*sigh*

Boys. Whatever. They're frustrating. I like ones that don't like me back, or have girlfriends, and the ones who like me, I like as friends. -_-

Bugger.

Set Sail

So, I got another haircut! It's soooo short, and I'm gonna put more red in it tomorrow! I love it! :D

Also, A's been talking to me a lot more, but I don't think anything's going to come of it. Oh well.

Basically, beans.

Fan-freakin'-tastic!

Okay, that title is part sarcasm and part truth. xD

Sarcasm because: C is still being dumb about the whole thing with BF, and even though SHE dumped HIM it's somehow his fault for being "neglectful." His status is some crap about how "he loves her and knows she loves him so everything will work out!" So who cares. But at least he did talk to A a little bit, so he did reach out to his old friends.

Truth because: Last night at about 11:30, I snuck out to go to D's and hang out with him and A. We played video games, me and A talked for a long time about random stuff, watched some YouTube videos, and made dumb jokes. Then I got to take a lovely nap next to A, and I woke up with my hand against his arm. So that was nice. Maybe I should... do something about that... like buck up and tell him I like him. xD But that would probably make things awkward and dumb and I don't wanna do that. xP So... who knows.

Anyway, I also upgraded to Windows 7! Pretty awesome.

Basically, I feel... blah. Just here. Balanced in the middle of emotions. Woo.

What.

She broke up with him. She dumped him. They're not together. For now. I hope it stays that way. I'm so so so worried about him. I feel so confused. I wonder what happened. I want someone to talk to him. I hope he doesn't feel alone. I'm worried. I worry about things.

I just wish W or A were here and I could curl up in their arms and cry and sleep.

I want someone to talk to him, make sure he's okay. But I don't think he's talking to anyone right now. D's going to try.

I hate her. From what I hear, she's making it sound like it was his fault. He did anything she wanted him to. Anything. She's just such a demanding bitch that he probably couldn't please her enough. I just don't know. I hate her for hurting him. She took my perfect guy, turned him into a douche, and then ditched him.

We don't know if the breakup will last. I hope so. I think it would be better for him in the long run. But I do want him to be happy. I hate thinking about him hurting, the way I was hurting.

So scared for him.

So worried.

So confused.

I just don't know what to do.

Scrapbook

These are the pictures I want to put in my scrapbook. Pictures of my best friends.

W. I took this picture, one of my favorites.

Pickle as Peter Pan.

Pickle. D: She's such a cute babby!

Cutest couple in the world right here. This is ZOO.

D and Ali. They're just so adorable!

Ali.

Kat catching a frisbee!

Kat rubbing the floor because she loves her trumpet.

Jonag and Z! I love this picture! I actually had it put as the picture on my debit card. xD

Jonag with awesome hair.

W. I really, really like this picture. It's the background on my PSP. <.<;

D and Ali. So cute! ^.^

D playing guitar.

A on a beach in California.

This is the one of the coolest pictures I've ever taken. It's A. He turned away right when I snapped it.

La la lalala la lala, la la la la la LAAAA!!! (Auld Lang Syne)

New Year's Eve was freaking AMAZING. Met up with Ali and froze our butts off for an hour while we talked to Jonah and Porter and wandered around. Then we went to In N' Out to say hi to D, and I ate some fooooood. So good.

Then! We went back to First Night and met up with W, his girlfriend, Jacob from Hawaii, and a bunch of their friends. Like Chooch and them. We danced around with them for a while, then went to find Z. Then it was only a few minutes before midnight, so we all worked our way up to the front of the stage.

Then.

Midnight! Fireworks went off, they started blasting music, we all starting moshing and running into each other, screaming, singing, yelling, shrieking... it was fantastic. Just... awesome. That's the only way to describe it.

Plus, I got to run/fall into W a couple times in the mosh pit. xD

Side note: for some reason, W's girlfriend doesn't bug me at all. Further proof to C that I didn't just hate BF because she hung out with the guy I liked.

Anyway, yeah. I bought Z's PSP! It's freaking awesome.

Also, I love pictures. Gotta get me some ink so I can print pictures for a scrapbook.

In MIRACLE news, A is talking to me again! I say "Hey A. What's up?" to him practically every day on Facebook. For the last couple months, he hasn't responded. Tonight, he randomly did. I guess that's just how he is. Random.

Also, work is fun! Making some new friends, making some new money... awesome.

As for boys, besides A talking to me again, just looking at W makes me happy. Hence the background picture on my PSP. <.<;

Anyway, I'm random. Night!