So. It's been a while.
I broke up with B. Broke his heart. I hate myself for it. But... I need to be happy. And I wasn't. I need to figure out what makes me happy. I guess... I just don't have the strength to keep myself AND B from being depressed. I wish I did.
Backing up a little, the concert was awesome, we were first in line, right next to the stage, saw Benjamin up close, awesome.
My birthday was pretty fun. I broke up with B the day before my birthday, so it was... hard. I had a good time, but I missed him. He took off to California after I dumped him. I really don't blame him. I know I hurt him bad.
Anyway, birthday. Went to lunch with Jonag, W, D, Ali, Kat, and Chaos. Then we went back to my house for games until the actual party started at 5. Played a bunch of games, had a water fight (in which the guys grabbed me and dumped a cooler of water all over me), ate tacos, ate cake, screamed Rock Band songs for the world to hear, and had tons of fun.
Also, K was back in town for a few days. Hung out with him some, drove around, brought him over to my house for some party times and stuff. He's a great guy. He's off to Phoenix again in about six hours.
Basically I hope B and I can still be at least kind of friends, and maybe try something again in the future? I just need... to be happy. I have to do what's going to make me happy, even if it hurts too. I think about everyone else before myself most of the time, so I guess it's time I did something for me. And right now I just need to figure things out.
I wish I had a best friend, someone I could tell everything to, no matter what. I wish Z wasn't in Germany. I dunno, I just don't feel like I have a friend that I can tell EVERYTHING to. I have friends for everything, but no one knows the whole story. I...
I hate having to deal with everything alone. Sure, my friends help with parts, but none of them helps with everything, really. I talk to Ali about boys, I talk to D about games and stuff, I talk to K about random stuff... but none of them is available at the times I need someone, none of them can talk to me about everything.
Maybe it's just not possible for anyone to help me. B tried, and he partially succeeded.
I just don't know anymore.
I'm sorry.
Music
